First Time Have Sex

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Reviewed by Neha Pathak, MD on May 21, 2021
When you are thinking about “having sex” for the first time, the stakes can seem really high. After all, the society and pop culture around you have been telling you that at some point in your life you will “lose your virginity,” as if it were an actual possession that you give away, never to have again.
In fact, “there is no part of your body called ‘virginity,’” says Logan Levkoff, PhD, a sexuality educator in Manhattan. “It is a socially constructed term that is steeped in old ideas of who must maintain virginity. It’s loaded with shame and stigma, because if you lose something you can never get it back. That phrase is designed to make people feel guilty.”
Plus, it only applies to one particular sex act -- vaginal intercourse (when a penis is inserted into a vagina), which leaves out other equally intimate sex acts and sex with a same-sex partner.
When school sex educator Al Vernacchio, of Wynnewood, PA, talks to high school students who are interested in having sex, he asks them: “What’s important to you about having sex? Is it pleasure, is it intimacy, is it connection, or is it just achieving some external mark that seems to have some societal meaning?” Then, when he has a clear sense of what someone is actually interested in, “we talk about some of the best ways to achieve that,” Vernacchio says. That could involve vaginal intercourse, but there’s a lot more out there that you can experiment with as you are becoming a sexually active person.
What you define as sex is a personal decision, but the sex educators interviewed for this piece agreed that it involves the genitals. For Levkoff, any time there is genital contact, whether with a hand, a mouth, or another person’s genitals, she considers it sex. Jo Langford, a psychotherapist, sex and tech educator in Seattle, uses genitals and penetration as a benchmark (and that includes oral sex).
But all argue that broadening your definition of sex achieves a lot of things. It makes sex more inclusive. It takes the pressure off one sex act being the be-all and end-all, and it allows you time to experiment with what you like and what feels good. And that gives you a chance to work up to the sexual acts that come with more significant potential outcomes.
Some things that can be considered sex:
“Whomever is involved and whatever parts they’re using, they are deeply personal, intimate acts,” Levkoff says. “They all come with the potential for pleasure, they all need protection -- emotional and physical -- and they all need consent.” That means you should feel comfortable enough with yourself -- and with the person you want to share your body with -- to ask the important questions and think through what you both want and are prepared for.
“One of the things I say constantly is, if you can’t talk about it, then you should not be doing it,” Langford says. “If there’s no way you would ask your partner about their sexual history, then that’s a sign that maybe you are not ready for this.”
Levkoff offers these questions to help guide you through the decision about what you are ready for.
“Ideally, you want your heart, your mind, and your crotch to be firing at the same speed,” Langford says. “For most people that doesn’t happen until 16, when they can get their driver’s license and reach a place where they are learning how to make grown-up decisions, which can be really motivating and empowering.”
Vernacchio agrees that teenagers younger than that are probably not ready for genital contact. “The way our society is structured, when you’re 13 or 14 and you’re a 9th grader, you are at the beginning of a whole new phase of your life as a high school kid,” Vernacchio says. “There’s a vulnerability there that make it easier for kids to be taken advantage of or for power to be misused against them, intentionally or unintentionally.”
“Everything we do with our bodies, from holding hands to kissing to sharing our genitals in any capacity, requires consent,” Levkoff says. “Consent is you being able to take agency over your own body to say, ‘this is what I want, this feels good,’ or ‘no, this is not what I want.’” And that applies to everything. When Langford talks about consent, he likes to use a pizza analogy. “You wouldn’t order pizza for someone without finding out what they want on it and you wouldn’t grab a slice off their plate or take a bite of their slice without asking,” he says. “Go out and order pizza with someone before you have sex and see how that goes. You are exercising the same muscles you use for consent.”
Another thing to be prepared for is how to handle it if the person you are being intimate with does not want to do the same things you do or decides they want to stop. It’s important to be ready for “hearing and recognizing and being OK with a ‘no’ and managing your feelings around that,” Levkoff says.
“A lot of people grow up thinking that someone else will flip the switch that makes them a sexual being, but that’s giving someone else a lot of power,” Levkoff says. “There is something really empowering and important about knowing your body is capable of pleasure on its own.” Masturbation is a great way to get to know what feels good to you. And it “will help you explain to somebody else what feels good to you,” Langford says.
Because porn has become a fairly ubiquitous experience, and because it presents a very unrealistic picture of sex, Langford recommends that people who have been masturbating with porn aim to masturbate 50% of the time with just your imagination. That will help you find out what is a turn on for you personally and increase the likelihood that your first experiences with someone else are fulfilling. If you rely only on pornography to reach an orgasm, you may find it hard to orgasm when you are physically intimate with another person. “Having a healthy imagination is so important for consent and intimacy and romance,” Langford says.
“There is this common expectation that if you are a heterosexual, male-bodied boy-identified person, that at some point in high school you are going to get a blow job from a girl,” Vernacchio says, “but we do not see the same kind of expectation about girls getting sexual pleasure. I like to call that out. Too often we sacrifice female pleasure on the altar of having sex for the first time, and that’s not fair.”
And the reality is that “the majority of orgasms for people with vulvas and vaginas do not come from sexual intercourse,” Levkoff says. Which means that “if you are interested in your female partner having an orgasm, that may not be the best thing to do for your initial sexual interaction,” Vernacchio says. “If you are masturbating each other or masturbating with each other, that can be a really pleasurable experience.”
“There’s always been a whisper network about how it’s going to hurt the first time, it’s going to bleed,” Levkoff says. “I think people with vaginas have a huge amount of fear around this, particularly with my teenage students, they ask, ‘How painful is it going to be?’” The answer that she and other sex educators give is that with care and communication it does not have to be painful.
“Penetrative sex shouldn’t hurt,” Vernacchio says. Ways to make sure your first experience with penetrative sex is not painful include doing what you can to make it a relaxed experience. This is where those conversations and open communication with your partner come into play, as well as going slow and gently. Lubrication from being aroused and/or lubrication products are a big help, too, Levkoff says.
And practicing penetration -- whether in an anus or vagina -- beforehand is good idea. “Use a finger first,” Levkoff recommends, “so there is gradual insertion going on. There are muscles, blood vessels, and thin tissue that is expanding for the first time. So, it’s really important to have consent, protection, and lubrication. We really need to be with partners who we can talk to about these things, so we are comfortable.”It’s also helpful for people with vaginas to know that the hymen is an overhyped body part. “It’s basically a thin membrane that is left over from in utero development,” Levkioff says. “Most people do not have intact hymens, or they would not be able to menstruate, and most of the time the hymen has been abraded and worn away -- just from living life -- long before someone has sex for the first time.”
For me the most important part of the conversation is, ‘Why do you want to do this? What do you want to get out of it?’” Vernacchio says. “And then, choose something that is really going to meet those goals.”
Logan Levkoff, PhD, sexuality educator in Manhattan; author of Got Teens: The Doctor Mom’s Guide to Social Media.
Jo Langford, MA, psychotherapist, sex and tech educator, Seattle, WA; author of The Pride Guide.
Al Vernacchio, MSEd, sexuality education coordinator for the Friends' Central School in Wynnewood, PA.
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Tip number one: Embrace the awkwardness.
Ah, so you’re ready to have sex for the first time. Let’s start with the basics: For one, it’s absolutely normal to feel a lil nervous or timid about your first time. You’re not alone in that feeling.
It happens to pretty much everyone because, hi, sex can be awkward—and unfortunately, that doesn’t really go away the more experienced you get.
Secondly, there’s no right or wrong way to have sex. That’s because sex is all about exploration and discovering your desires, which takes time. Maybe you won’t know right away what exactly you’re into—and that’s okay.
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That said, it may help to explore some of your own needs and wants via a one-on-one session with yourself prior to engaging in partnered sex (more on that later).
But, basically: Relax, breathe, and take it all in stride. We’ve enlisted the help of amazing experts who will guide you as you navigate sex for the first time. You’ve got this.
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The best thing you can do before you have sex for the first time: masturbate. “Take time to explore your own body and find out what you really like when it comes to how you like being touched, what areas feel pleasurable to you, and what areas don’t,” says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. This can be v empowering and make room for lots and lots of pleasure when it comes time for partnered sex, she confirms.
Whatever face you’re making or how your stomach looks in any particular position literally does! not! matter! Focus instead on what you're experiencing, what feels good, and the sensations of how exactly your partner is touching you. “The best thing to do is to ditch the idea of performative sex so you can make room for what really turns you on,” says Menezes.
Hopefully this goes without saying but no need to schedule this like an appointment. Allotting only a certain amount of minutes in your day for first-time sex sounds like an unnecessary stress you shouldn't pang yourself with.
“Give yourself time and go slow,” says Menezes. Have sex when you know you don’t have any plans afterward to make room for not only the sex itself, but cuddling. You may want to engage in some pillow talk, too.
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If there’s even the slightest possibility of sex potentially happening, you should already be prepared with a condom, suggests ob-gyn Tamika K. Cross, MD. Since condoms help prevent unwanted pregnancy and STIs, take responsibility into your own hands and don't expect your partner to provide them. “Why put your faith in someone else's preparedness?” says Dr. Cross. A few condom options right this way.
The sole purpose of sex does not need to be experiencing an orgasm, says Astroglide's resident health advisor Angela Jones, MD. Especially the first time you do it.
Sure, it’s great—and should be something both partners actively work toward as they become more familiar their own needs, but take the pressure off. Think about sex as a way to connect with your partner on a deeper level, via all its emotional and mental benefits. “An individual’s worth is not tied to whether or not they climax during sex,” says Dr. Angela.
I know pop culture has ingrained in us all the need to moan and writhe with pleasure at every single touch, but do yourself a favor down the line and don’t set the bar for an orgasm via kiss immediately. Psychotherapist Nicole Tammelleo says this is especially important the first time you have sex with a new partner. You don’t want to create any unrealistic standards, especially since many women don’t have orgasms the first time they have sex with a new partner.
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"If you fake an orgasm or tell your partner you had one when you didn’t, it's harder to communicate your needs in the future," Tammelleo says. Plus, once you get into the habit of faking, it makes it that much harder to stop, take a step back, and be like, "Actually, what you’re doing doesn’t rock my world as much as you think, sorry."
Talking about sex with a new partner is a must. "In order to have good sex, you need to communicate your wants, needs, and desires to your partner," says SKYN's sex and intimacy expert, Gigi Engle. This includes talking about what this sexual encounter will mean to you, if you are in a casual or serious relationship, if you and/or your partner are planning on being monogamous, and whether or not you are sleeping with other people.
And don't worry, you don't have to bring up this convo the moment you match with someone on Tinder, but you should bring it up before you take that trip to pound town, says Engle.
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Whether it's your first or fiftieth time having sex, the worst thing you can do is go into it with the assumption that you know everything about what your partner wants. No amount of slumber party gossip about blow jobs and giving massive hickeys can prepare you for what your partner is actually gonna be into. The only way to find out is to ask them: Do they like oral sex, or would they rather leave that off the menu? Would they rather have the music on or off? Not only does asking questions show your partner that you care, but it may also encourage them to do the same—making the whole experience better for everyone.
"Many women believe that the first time they have sex it will be painful," says Tammelleo. "While it might be a little uncomfortable and awkward, it really should not be painful."
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Tammelleo adds that "hundreds of women" have told her that, when they had penetrative sex for the first time, it felt like their partner was "hitting a brick wall." Which is absolutely not what this should feel like. Lube is an absolute must-have (more on that later), but if that doesn't help get things running smoothly, you should consult your doctor or a gynecologist to see if you may have a condition called vaginismus, which makes it really hard for anything to enter the vagina.
If your vagina is burning or itching or feels any sort of bad thing during or after sex, talk to your doctor, especially if the sensation quickly doesn't go away on its own or gets worse over time.
The (incorrect, pretty problematic) myth that everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they have penetrative sex is, as is turns out, very much not true!
Yes, some people do bleed the first time, and that bleeding is usually caused by the stretching of your hymen—a thin, delicate piece of tissue located just a couple inches inside the vagina. But more than 50 percent of people don't bleed their first time, because the hymen can be stretched during regular, non-sex activities like jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike, or running around.
Also, bleeding after sex can happen any time in your life—not just the first time. Once again: lube is your new BFF.
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Not only should you temper your expectations going into it, but also keep in mind that when you’re looking back on the experience later, not to beat yourself up about it. If you waited to have sex for the first time with a long term partner only to break up in the future, don’t feel bad for sharing that experience with that person as long as you had consensual, enthusiastic fun in the moment.
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No new partner deserves a full report of your sexual history. Whether you've slept with 50 people or zero, that's your business. I repeat: no one is entitled to your "number." However, getting intimate for the first time can be... well, intimate. It you feel like you're withholding something important to you, it could negatively affect your overall comfort level and ~vibe~.
If you tell someone you've never had sex before and they freak, then they're probably not someone you wanted to be with anyway. They should take that as their cue to be even more communicative with you.
Nothing is more distracting than worrying about STIs and pregnancy during sex. Even if it feels awkward, it is so, so, so important to chat with your partner beforehand about what you’ll do to protect yourselves. Use a condom even if you’re on another form of birth control to protect you both from STIs (check out local clinics like Planned Parenthood for free/affordable testing).
"Make sure you enthusiastically consent to each and every thing the two of you do together," says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. "'Enthusiastic' is a key part of that sentence. Don't just go along with something—make sure you're excited about it.”
Remember that just because you start an activity—for example, sex—you don’t have to finish or continue it: You have the right to pause or stop whatever it is. No. Matter. What. Same goes for your partner, of course: Check in with each other as things progress to make sure you’re both enthusiastic about what you’re doing.
So I Tried Giving a Virtual Blow Job…
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A big part of enjoying sex is focusing on the sensations you’re feeling instead of, for example, your nervousness (which is totally common to feel your first time, even if you know you’re ready to have sex). "Deep breathing is a fantastic way to let go of distracting thoughts," M
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