Fingering A Woman

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Fingering A Woman
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Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

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When it comes to satisfying your partner's sexual desires, enthusiasm and a willingness to experiment will usually get you pretty far. But it also helps to constantly be brushing up on your core skill set, and if your partner happens to have a vulva, those skills should include knowing how to finger them.


And knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. "Remember that fingering someone's vagina isn't meant to look or feel like a jackhammering penis — unless your partner specifically asks for that! — so the fast in-and-out rigid finger thrusting we often stereotypically associate with fingering likely won't be the way to go," says Anne Hodder-Shipp, an American College of Sexologists (ACS)-certified sex educator. "Remember that your fingers have joints and can curl and bend."


Here, Hodder-Shipp and other experts share their 10 best tips for ensuring your next fingering — aka hand sex — session is a steamy hit.


It might seem rather basic, but Hodder-Shipp encourages anyone prepping to finger their partner to be sure their hands are clean, and their nails are trimmed and clean.


In fact, it might be fun for someone to exfoliate and moisturize their hands before playing with their partner, advises Jamila Dawson, LMFT , an interdisciplinary sex therapist.


If you have longer nails or a special manicure: Hodder-Shipp recommends taking a nitrile glove and putting a cotton ball at the tip of each finger, so when you wear it, the cotton creates a cushy barrier between the manicure and your partner's body.


Porn would have us believe that when it comes to any kind of penetration of the vagina, deeper is better, but that's not always the case. The majority of a vagina's nerves are located in the first one-third of the vaginal canal, points out Hodder-Shipp, so going super-deep isn't really necessary unless that's the sensation you would like.


"Lube is an absolute must during hand sex," points out Gigi Engle , ACS, a certified sex educator and author. "The fingers against a clitoris — or inside a vagina — require a barrier and some extra lubrication to not feel like sandpaper pushed up against your nether regions. Always generously lube up your partner's fingers and the clitoris before moving forward."


Dawson advises using a high quality water-based lube like Pjur or silicone-water-based hybrid like Fuck Water .


"Keep in mind that the vagina 'tents' and elongates when aroused," explains Hodder-Shipp. For that reason, you'll want to be sure your partner is especially aroused and receptive to penetration before inserting a finger — or anything else, for that matter.


One sexy move to try as you're working on getting your partner hot, bothered, and ready for more: "Cupping the vulva to let the heat of the hand transfer to the vulva can be very sensual," advises Dawson.


In general, it's ideal to go slow anytime you start a new sexual activity, says Hodder-Shipp. That way, you can see how it feels and get into the groove of it. Not to mention that, at times, fast movement in the vaginal area can feel uncomfortable, especially as you get started, she notes. All of that said, be sure to ease into penetration of any kind.


As you begin to ramp up the intensity of the act, Engle advises "definitely focusing" on the clitoris — especially the outer part at the top of the clitoris. "This organ is the only one in the entire human body whose purpose is pleasure," she notes. "It has 8,000 nerve endings in the external glans alone, which is double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis."


She continues, "Much like with oral sex, hand sex will most likely deliver an orgasm when your partner moves in a consistent motion over the glans clitoris ." However, unlike oral sex, you'll want to be a bit more gentle when you're using your fingers. "If you press down too hard, it can become uncomfortable," she says.


The giving partner should use their pointer and middle fingers to make clockwise circles around the clitoris, advises Engle. Then, they can try moving the fingers up and down, side to side, or in a figure eight.


If you're the receiving partner, listen to your body, and don't be afraid to ask for something else if it isn't working for you, she says.


Although the clit is often essential for reaching orgasm, you'll also want to stimulate the very front of the vaginal opening, as it's packed full of nerves, explains Engle.


"The bottom of the opening, called the fourchette, is an excellent place to tease and touch," she says. "Try pressing your fingers around the vaginal opening. Perhaps slip a finger inside. Don't stop there, touch and tease the labia. Perhaps you'd enjoy some gentle tugging. Your labia cover the internal legs of the clitoris. Try different things and see what works for your body."


"If you're the one doing the fingering, your partner is really the one in charge," says Hodder-Shipp. "Only they know how it feels and what adjustments they might need for it to feel pleasurable, so it's essential to be present and ready to receive feedback and pay attention to what your partner's voice and body language sound and look like."


Although some people make noises and will say exactly what they want — or don't — it's important to bear in mind that not everyone feels comfortable making vocal noises as they receive pleasure, says Hodder-Shipp. So while quiet isn't necessarily a bad sign, it's a sign to check in and ask things like, "how does that feel?", "do you like that?", or "want some more lube?"


And don't be nervous about switching things up in the moment in order to find your groove. Kristine D'Angelo , a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach, says, "While stimulating the clitoris, switch between using your fingertips, full length of your fingers, and even the palm of your hand," she recommends. "Ask your partner, 'More pressure or less pressure?' Some people need light pressure while others like a lot of pressure."


Though you might be looking for a go-to cadence that's guaranteed to leave your partner breathless, there is no one "best" rhythm to follow, notes Hodder-Shipp. "Every vagina responds to finger and hand simulation differently," she explains.


Still, once you find a rhythm that seems to be working — either because your partner is moaning and saying "yes, exactly like that" or their hips are lifting and moving along with the motion of your fingers — do not switch it up. "Keep that rhythm until your partner says they're done or orgasm happens," says Hodder-Shipp.


When it comes to penetrating your partner with more than one finger, D'Angelo recommends trying this variation: "Make a V with your index and middle finger," she advises. "Twist those fingers as if you're crossing your fingers for luck but keep both fingers fairly straight as they curl. Use your crossed fingers to penetrate the vagina, and begin to slowly twist your wrist creating a swirling effect."


If, as the receiving partner, anything hurts or feels uncomfortable or unpleasant, or it feels like your partner has to push their fingers inside, take a break or stop and do something that you enjoy better, advises Hodder-Shipp.


If you're the giving partner, keep communicating. As Engle notes, "Always remember that if you're not sure if something is working, simply ask: 'Does this feel good? I want to make sure what I'm doing feels good to you.'"


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There are a lot of underrated sex acts , but here’s a big one you’ve probably been ignoring: fingering. Most adults tend to forget about fingering, but I’m going to show you why I think this act deserves a place in any couple’s sexual repertoire, and give you some tips for how to do it properly.
Last month, you told us about your most overrated sex acts (sex in the great outdoors was…
This post also serves as the first installment of a new series we’re doing at Lifehacker: After Hours called Do This Tonight: sex tips you can (and should) try out as soon as you can!
Before we get into the details of how to become a fingering master, allow me to convince you why you should even bother in the first place.
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We tend to start our relationships being much more sexually creative and varied, but there’s something about having intercourse that seems to make people forget that other sexual activities are possible. Most established heterosexual couples have long since abandoned fingering. If they do it at all, they do what I call the “let-me-just-pop-my-finger-in-here-real-quick-to-make-sure-it’s-wet-enough-for-my-dick” move. Intercourse can be incredible, but it can also start to feel a little boring and predictable if it’s all you’re doing.
Having an entire sexual session where all you’re doing is fingering her can feel so refreshing and unexpected. Most women haven’t been thoroughly fingered in a very long time. For some, it might even date back to their junior high or high school days, furtively hiding in the back of the movie theater or behind the school gym. Fingering her will instantly breathe some new life into the bedroom, and will remind her that getting fingered used to feel—and can still feel—thrilling.
Every woman is different, of course, but I think many would agree that getting fingered feels phenomenal. Fingers can give much more focused, deliberate, and intense stimulation than any other body part. You can also use one hand inside of her and the other on her clitoris. The combination of internal and external sensations can feel incredible.
70% of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Getting clitoral stimulation during intercourse is possible , but a lot of my female clients tell me they have a hard time focusing on their own pleasure during intercourse. They may feel too embarrassed to ask for clitoral stimulation, or too shy to reach down and do it themselves, and it’s logistically difficult in a lot of positions. Fingering is quite simply one of the easiest ways for women to reach orgasm. You can give her the exact kind of stimulation she needs.
If you're a woman who has a hard time climaxing during intercourse, you may be interested to know…
It’s so rare in life that we get the opportunity to just receive. Being able to soak up all of the attention without having to worry about our partner in that moment can feel like such a gift. Plus, being giving and generous towards her may evoke some warm fuzzy feelings for you, and may inspire her to reciprocate next time.
Now let’s get into the real nitty gritty of how to do the deed.
Ask her if she’ll let you finger her tonight. Build up some anticipation by sending her this article, or a sexy text. Let her know that tonight it’s going to be all about her, and her only. Tell her how excited you are to lavish attention on her gorgeous body.
Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed, and that you don’t have any bothersome hangnails. Do not cut your nails right before doing the deed, as they’ll be too sharp!
A good fingering requires good lube! I recommend high-quality silicone lubricant like Pjur Eros Bodyglide Original . Silicone lubes feel best against the skin. If you don’t have any on hand or can’t stop off at your friendly local sex shop, coconut oil can do the trick.
Spend plenty of time kissing her, slowly removing her clothes, and running your hands all over her body. Leave her underwear on, and trace your fingertips lightly over the fabric. You want her to be squirming with anticipation before actually getting down to business.
Get in a comfortable position that gives you good leverage with both hands. You can sit between her legs while she’s flat on the bed, or have her drape her legs off the edge of a bed or sofa while you kneel between her knees. Use your dominant hand on her clitoris, and your non-dominant hand inside of her. Since the clitoris is so sensitive, you’ll want your more dextrous hand on the job, but you can always switch if you want more power for the hand doing the thrusting. A safe place to start is drawing circles around her clitoris with your thumb, and using two fingers to pump in and out of her vaginal canal. Start off slow and gentle, and gradually build up to more intensity.
If you’re not sure what she likes, demonstrate two different techniques, and get her feedback about what she likes best. Ask her, “do you like it better when I fuck you with two fingers, like this… or three fingers, like this…” Here are some other techniques to try:
Fingering your lady can be an awful lot of fun. You’re completely in charge of her pleasure, and can watch her respond to your every touch. If she knows you’re enjoying yourself, she’ll have a better time too.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy. It’s her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom. Have questions about sex? You can reach her at vanessa.marin@lifehacker.com , or at VMTherapy.com.
Lifehacker: After Hours is a new blog aiming to improve your sex life. Follow us on Twitter here .

Now Reading How Realistic Is After's Lake Scene?
Photo: Courtesy of Aviron Pictures.
In one particularly memorable scene of the new movie After , naive college freshman Tessa (Josephine Langford) and tattooed British bad boy Hardin Scott (Hero Tiffin Fiennes) take a trip to a nearby lake. After some swimming, flirting, and making out , they move to the shore. Hardin slowly moves his hands over Tessa's body, slides his fingers under the waistband of her underwear… and when Tessa gasps, he stops. "Have you never been touched before?" he asks. When Tessa responds with "Why'd you stop?" he answers, "We've got time," and the scene ends.
In the book, the scene doesn't end. Hardin fingers Tessa, leading to her first-ever orgasm . Known as the “lake scene” to fans , the moment is a turning point in both the book and the movie, and it’s featured heavily in the movie’s promotion .
So, how realistic is this scene? Fingering can absolutely result in a mind-blowing orgasm — if you’re doing it right. Clitoral stimulation is one of the most common ways people with clits reach orgasm. One 2015 study found that 36.6% of cis women said that clitoral stimulation was necessary for them to reach orgasm, and another 36% said clitoral stimulation wasn’t necessary for them to reach orgasm, but their orgasms felt a lot better if clitoral stimulation was involved.
If fingering is going to result in orgasm, it will most likely include clitoral stimulation, says Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How To Get It . “Some people think of fingering as putting a finger (much as you would do a penis) inside a woman’s vagina and moving it around or in and out, and others think of it as stimulating the external portion of a woman’s genitals (her vulva) , which includes the inner lips, the external part of the clitoris, and the vaginal opening,” Dr. Mintz says.
The second definition is the one most likely to lead to orgasm . “The vast majority of women don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone ,” Dr. Mintz explains. “So, just like false images of women orgasming from intercourse alone, someone sticking a finger in their vagina without any preceding or concurrent clitoral stimulation is not going to lead to orgasm. It might even lead to pain because if you put anything in your vagina (a finger, a penis, a toy) before you are aroused and lubricated (which occurs via external stimulation), it could hurt.”
Dr. Mintz adds that some people like a finger or two in their vagina — but in addition to clitoral stimulation, not instead of it. Fingering can involve G-spot stimulation — the G-spot “is not actually a spot at all, but instead an area that can be found inside the vagina and it includes many different structures, including the vaginal wall, the internal portion of the clitoris, and the female prostate gland,” she explains, adding that not everyone can find this area, and not everyone likes how it feels when it's stimulated. If you're going to add any type of internal fingering , make sure the person being fingered is aroused first .
There are two rules that people who want to finger someone to orgasm should keep in mind, Dr. Mintz says. The first: “Make sure you engage in external stimulation! This includes the clitoris, the inner lips, the mons pubis, and the vaginal opening — all are full of touch sensitive nerve endings.” And the second: “ ASK your partner to tell you what feels good! Another essential fact is that every woman’s genital nerve pattern is a bit different, which means that what every woman needs to orgasm is different. The only way to know if what you are doing is pleasurable is to ask!”
Another part of the lake scene is a little more unrealistic. In the book, it’s revealed that this is Tessa’s first-ever orgasm, not because she's anorgasmic , because she has never masturbated before . One study found that 66% of 18- and 19-year-old women had masturbated, so while not that unusual, Tessa is in the minority here. But then again, after that lakeside encounter with Hardin, maybe her answer would change ...
How To Finger A Girl To Orgasm Like Tessa In After Film
Photo: Courtesy of Aviron Pictures.
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