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Fingering might be seen by some as a teenage sex act that has no place in adult sex lives, but they would be so very wrong. When done right, fingering is The Best. It's actually also really important for female pleasure and orgasm. Most women and people with vaginas can't orgasm through penetration alone (around 80%) so will need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. And that's where fingering comes in. Anyone who has sex with people with vulvas needs to know how to do it well. So here's an expert fingering guide courtesy of sex experts at Kinkly.
Before you start, as Dr Eskander, a consultant gynaecologist at The Gynae Centre says, "By keeping your fingernails short and clean you can reduce the risk of infection. Be careful not to be too rough as this can lead to minute vaginal tears which, in addition to taking a few days to heal, increase the risk of catching an STI, particularly if there is an exchange of bodily fluids."
When it comes to creating the persistent, rhythmic and often subtle stimulation required to really please a vulva - and deliver a mind-blowing orgasm to the person attached to it - fingers RULE.
Our fingers are dexterous, yet strong. Each soft, smooth fingertip is incredibly sensitive and receptive, allowing them to respond to a partner's cues, change rhythms, and expertly play with the labia, clitoris, vagina and all the lusciously sensitive skin between them. The hand is, inarguably, an amazing sexual tool. But you still need to know how to use it.
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As you may already know, the clitoris is the centre of sexual pleasure for women and people with vaginas. It has about 8,000 nerve endings and, while it appears tiny from outside, it actually extends deep into the pelvic area and around the vagina. Even G-spot orgasms may occur as a result of stimulation of the back-side of the clitoris.
However, because the clitoris gets so much attention, we often forget about all the other luscious bits down there. And that's a problem. Because you shouldn't - listen closely, because this is very important - you should not stampede straight for it from the get-go. Actually, please don't do that. If you do, you're likely to shock those 8,000 super-sensitive nerve endings with your cold start, which tends to be very jarring, irritating and even painful.
So, first thing's first: get to know your anatomy. The vulva includes the pubic mound, the inner labia and outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening and, just beneath, the perineum. All of these areas are sensitive, sensual and responsive to touch. If you want to finger someone really, really well, you should definitely be working in a few, according to your partner's preferences.
The smoother and more slippery your subject, the longer, hotter and more satisfying your touch will be. Forget about the outdated idea that natural lubrication is enough. It can be affected by hydration, hormones, medication and stress. Why leave it up to chance? Just use lube, OK?
Go for a natural, organic and good quality lube like the Sliquid range. They're vegan and don't contain any allergens.
Sliquid H2O Original Water-Based Lubricant 255ml
Vulvas like stimulation that is sensual and slow. That's because it takes at least 15 minutes of stimulation, on average, for a vulva-owner to reach orgasm. Fingering is not a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am kind of play. In fact, one good way of thinking about it is to imagine it as a great song or story, with a beginning, middle and end.
Remember how we said don't jump straight to the clitoris? Don't jump to the punch line, or start at the end of the story. The best stories slowly reel in your attention, introduce new characters and twists, get more intense, more interesting and then - only then, when you are helplessly riveted - do they reveal the ending.
Begin your play slowly, gently - gentler than you imagine, even - and gradually increase your speed and intensity as you move toward more sensitive terrain. What you're doing is encouraging blood to flow to your partner's genitals. This increases their arousal, all the while making them more receptive to intense stimulation and winding them ever closer to the edge of orgasm.
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Just as you need to build up the intensity, it's also best to work your way from the outside in towards the clitoris. Think of the clitoris as a sort of bullseye. In this case, you want to start stroking and touching the outer edges of that target - the legs, thighs and lower abdomen. You can do this with your fingers - the sensation will be so light and teasing, it'll build your partner's anticipation.
If your partner is liking what you are doing and responding well, you can move your caresses in closer, to the pubic mound, labia and perineum. You may even run a finger over the clitoris. But keep those touches light and teasing - you aren't going there yet.
As your partner becomes more aroused, you can start zeroing in on the areas they respond to and enjoy the most, making your touches more rhythmic and consistent as you go, perhaps by rubbing a finger back and forth, or tracing a circle. Use your partner's words and cues as your guide.
As your partner becomes more aroused by your touch, it's important to really tune in to them, the directions they are giving and the sounds they are making. If you change up the rhythm or focus of your stimulation and things get quiet, back up. If your partner moans, writhes, their breathing gets louder or they tell you they like what you're doing, you're on the right track.
As things heat up, get up close to your partner and let yourself get lost in their breathing, their movements, their pleasure. Listening to your partner and learning their body language is important to any kind of sex play, but it's essential here. You have all the control; it's you who decides whether your partner leaves satisfied. There is no sex tip in the world that'll serve you better than your partner's individual erotic cues, so listen up.
Sometimes, when our partners get excited, we do too. The way they are responding is so hot that we change something up, alter our rhythm in the hope of making them feel even better. But please don't do that. When your partner is digging the thing you are doing, it's time to keep doing that thing, not something else. Persistent, rhythmic stimulation is the key to a successful fingering. If the pace and pressure are working, keep doing it until your partner asks for more.
You can also use a clitoral vibrator to stimulate their clit. Start on a low setting and speed, and that'll keep this persistent and consistent. Depending on how they like it, you can gently brush the vibrator against their clit to tease them, or try using the toy just above it. The Je Joue bullet vibrator is perfect for beginners, and super cute too.
Although it's best to wait until your partner is really warmed up, some people like a little penetration with their finger play. Be sure to ask your partner if it's OK for you to go inside. Once you slip a finger or two in, there are a few things you can try.
As always, check in with your partner about what you are doing and how they are liking it. This should be a joint effort, with both of you working toward your partner's ultimate pleasure.
If you're concerned about finding their G-spot, you can always use a toy specially designed to massage it. Sex toys with a curved or bulbed tip are made to target vibrations and pressure to the G-spot.
As your partner moves toward orgasm you'll hear their breathing get faster, their body tense up, and their noises and moans grow louder (or, for some, much softer). Your job here is to maintain focus. By now, you might be stimulating the clitoris directly and, if your partner is feeling really hot at his point, that stimulation can be pretty rough and intense. Just keep up the rhythm and touch that's working for your partner, and check in with them to see what they need.
Sometimes, all it takes is just a little something extra. You could try kissing them hard, looking them deep in the eyes, or running your hands across their neck. You could also let them know just how hot their pleasure and arousal is making you. The best sex engages the body and mind fully. Helping your partner tune in to their body and stay present can help tip them over the edge.
If you've seen a few vulvas, you probably know that they're all quite different. As individuals, we are all wired a bit differently too, and have our own unique preferences. Sex is a skill, and part of that skill involves learning about your partner's sexual quirks. For example, did you know that some people prefer stimulation on the right or left side of their clitoris? Do you know which side your partner prefers? You should. Small adaptations to your fingering technique over time are the things that can send your partner beyond just orgasm and right into orbit, to that place of total weightless, senseless bliss.
Sounds pretty hot, right? It is. And you hold the power to make that happen - in your fingers, your fingertips, your palms and your sensual, subtle, skilfully sexy hands.
And here's some handy advice from IRL people - aka vagina experts - on Reddit:
"I would prefer to be rubbed through the clitoral hood, not directly on the head." [via]
"Make sure it is good and wet and run little circles around it to start, then go to direct pressure. if they respond, you got it!" [via]
Looking for your next favourite podcast? Listen to Cosmopolitan's All The Way With... on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Acast and all the usual podcast apps.
Paisley Gilmour Sex & Relationships Editor Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
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