Finding Mom

Finding Mom
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Finding Mom When I Didn’t Expect To was last modified: November 8th, 2021 by felice

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Mom and Dad are gone. I’m not complaining. I know in my 60’s it would be unusual to have a living parent. But still, normal or not,
Most recently, I’ve been talking to my Mom who has been gone for 2 years.
“I feel like calling Mom lately.” I texted my 3 sisters.
She was 87 and died 2 years ago, I realized I spoke more to her on the phone than I did in person over the last 10 years. And, frankly, we had easier conversations that way.
I loved the sound of my mom’s voice. She was a theater major and masked her anxieties behind her silky voice. Frankly, it was hard to know what she was honestly feeling unless she was outraged by a friend, or a medical service or a bad meal. She wasn’t a touchy feely mom. She didn’t hug. But she cared about people. She cared about her kids. She loved her friends … loved to make lists and create social events for them. She was always busy.. It was hard to get her attention. Her love was channeled indirectly. She told other people wonderful things about me. Somehow I felt her love through their comments.
“Your mother was telling us all about your new magazine. She loves it.”
“Really, wow! That’s so good to hear.”
“Yes and she told me how much she loved her visit with you. And she loves your new house.”
But then, something happened and she began connecting more directly. She got older. She turned 80. And suddenly there was a glimmer of softening in her face, and her tone. She was more available, more present. More willing to be vulnerable. She would look at me and actually see me, I could feel her. She listened more. We would end our phone calls with, I will call you later Mom. And she would reply, I certainly hope so, I certainly hope so. And, I would smile. That made me feel loved.
In her last few years she started asking permission to give an opinion. Her whole life she told not asked. But in her 80’s she started to ask permission.
“That carpet looks worn out and a brighter color would liven up the room.”
She raised her brow and searched for something in her purse pretending she didn’t care. She tried to mask her displeasure I wasn’t inviting her in for a full redecorating convo.
With 4 girls, Mom, was always trying to redecorate our spaces. it was her way of showing love but it came off as criticism and judgment. It was hard to appreciate that these were generous observations.. Her mind would decorate every space upon entry. Her mind took in color and texture like it was pure confection. I could often hear her moaning as she stroked a soft velvet pillow or a fine leather chair and emit a tsk tsk as she touched a faded blanket.
As annoying as that behavior was, I miss talking to her about a new purchase or how to rearrange the furniture. I miss that lady.
But then Mom kinda reappeared the other day. I had an unusual interaction. Last week, when I was waiting to get my booster, I took a seat next to an elderly woman with a walker. She was masked and must have been 95 years old. We had all been waiting almost 2 hours to be called from a long line at the Pharmacy who was issuing boosters without reservations.
“Hi, oh Hi, yes yes, please take a seat there. This is quite the wait.”
“ I know, I can’t believe we couldn’t just sign up for the Moderna booster, but apparently reservations will happen next week.”
“Yes, I’m happy to wait. I want mine now.”
And then Florence Somethingstein , she told me her name straight away began to talk to me, about I don’t know what. I felt an instant wash of comfort.
“Do you belong to a synagogue here in town?
“I don’t really go but yes,” she said.
And we chatted about our Rabbi who we both adore. She asked me who my friends were. She knew a few of them. She talked about how she missed Brooklyn even though she had lived here in Westchester for 40 years. She had loved teaching in Brooklyn and up until 5 years ago was driving everywhere.
“I hate being dependent, Even though my son lives near me, I hate asking for anything.”
“Well, it seems like you are pretty independent, I mean here you are on your own.”
Sheepishly, she hung her head a bit, “He’s waiting for me outside.”
And we chatted some more about her health issues until my name was called.
“Well, Felice,” she said looking me squarely in the eyes, “I’m sorry you are going out West for the winter.”
Really, That’s so nice. But is there a reason I shouldn’t go?”
I could feel myself tapping into the maternal advice from a perfect stranger who I had developed an instant connection with.
“I like you, I would like to visit with you again, so I don’t want you to go.”
It was a childlike and maternal comment all at once and it landed like a fully wrapped gift on my heart. My heartstrings gave a full tug . I looked into her eyes and there she was. I saw my Mom.
“We will see each other again Florence.”
“I certainly hope so, I certainly hope so,” she repeated just like my Mom would.
I barely felt the booster needle go in.
Not wanting to be a burden. It was the mantra of her life.
One in three U.S. households assist adult children financially...are you one?
If it could happen in 1985, it could happen in 2015, right? #Hope
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It’s a photo you’d find in any family album — two beautiful little boys wearing ball caps they’ve yet to grow into, big smiles and big eyes looking back at the camera.
But if you know half-brothers Rob McCallum and Chris Byford’s history, you’d ask the obvious: How could she do it? How could their mom walk out of their lives and disappear for 25 years?
That question is at the centre of a new documentary being developed by McCallum, a former Londoner and independent filmmaker now living in Las Vegas.
Called Finding Missing Mom , it’s the story of McCallum and Byford’s search to find their mother, whom McCallum last saw when he was nine years old and Chris was four.
Yes, they found her last November. It took about 30 days, talking to family, following leads from London to Collingwood and then Toronto.
McCallum raised more than $2,500 online to help finance the final leg of the journey, including a filmed interview with their mom.
“I’m hoping to share this film with as many people as possible,” he said.
McCallum explained that while the film focuses on his search for his mom, it’s a story many people share around the globe. The film will show the emotional roller coaster of the journey, the power of police and role of private investigators when loved ones disappear.
“This one can actually touch people’s lives,” said McCallum. “That someone had the courage and gumption to go on this journey, it’s inspiring. If you have just one seed of courage, it might be enough to help you take that plunge yourself.”
McCallum should be familiar to Londoners. In 2013, Hyland Cinema premiered his film Unearthly, which he described as “ Indiana Jones meets Jurassic Park . . . a family-friendly movie, action adventure with sci-fi elements.”
He also recently completed filming Nintendo Quest , a documentary about a man’s effort to collect more than 600 Nintendo games in 30 days.
He’s hoping to release Finding Missing Mom on May 8, 2016 — Mother’s Day.
“She was surprised when I contacted her but wary of our feelings towards her,” said McCallum. ”She had always hoped we would seek her out.
“She had a few pictures of us when we were younger that she says she looked at every day and framed in her apartment, plus a few smaller wallet-sized ones she carried with her.”
Both boys were raised by grandparents.
All the reasons for her disappearance aren’t clear, but a major issue was “a lack of communication,” he said, and “she was not really equipped to handle the responsibility of motherhood.”
The questions the film will explore with his mom are many, said McCallum.
“What was so difficult that you wanted to abandon not one, but two children? What was so hard? What occurred that the easier choice was to stay away?” asked McCallum.
“There’s never going to be one magic, convenient explanation.
“You don’t have to agree with her answers, but as long as you understand each other’s point of view, then you can move forward. Not enough people do that.”
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