Find Someone For Threesome
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Find Someone For Threesome
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Unicorns are out there. You just have to know where (and how) to find them
Caitlin* (her name has been changed) is in her twenties and works at a recruiting firm in San Francisco. She says she and her boyfriend like to plan the occasional threesome, so they regularly hit up “concerts, raves, bars” and anywhere they might make new friends who are “open [to] alternative sexual arrangements.”
"Contrary to the experience of a lot of people I've heard about, we haven't had any issues with jealousy," Caitlin says. "The experiences were good for our relationship because they proved our that our trust in each other was strong."
Caitlin and her boyfriend were on the hunt for unicorns , a term used to describe a third party (typically a bisexual woman) who is down to clown with a couple, no strings attached. While there isn't much research on threesomes , it appears to be an incredibly common fantasy: according to a study published in the journal Archives of Human Behavior , while only 13% of participants said they had actually had a threesome, 64% of those surveyed said they had fantasized about it.
“A lot of the couples who come to my office have threesomes on their lists of things to discuss,” says Ben Caldwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “If everyone is open, respectful, and caring, it can work well.”
As polyamory and non-monogamous arrangements become more mainstream, a lot of the stigma around group sex and openly arranging a threeway seems to be falling away. But pulling off a successful threesome is tough. For a couple that’s used to being monogamous, navigating the logistics and the feelings involved with such an endeavor can be daunting — and finding a third party is arguably the most challenging part, especially if you'd prefer not to hook up with anyone in your immediate circle in case things get weird. That’s where the search for a unicorn comes in.
Before you try to find a a unicorn, it's important that you and your partner ask yourself why you want to incorporate a third person into your sex life in the first place. “If it's a fantasy, a shared adventure, or a shared belief system about relationships, great,” says Caldwell. But if a threesome is a last-ditch attempt to fix something that’s already broken, or for you to cheat on your partner without really cheating on your partner, “you need to handle the problems in front of you, respectfully and directly. Bringing in a third will just involve an innocent party in an already-bad situation, possibly hurting them in the process too.”
It’s also important to note that unicorns are pretty rare. Bisexual women who enjoy sleeping with couples definitely exist, but they’re not magical creatures: they’re people with their own feelings, wants and needs. Contrary to a lot of harmful stereotypes about bisexual women , not all bisexual women are promiscuous and hypersexual , nor do they actually want to be unicorns for heterosexual couples in the first place. (As a bisexual woman myself, I can attest to this: I dodge threeway invitations on dating apps daily , even though I have no interest in having sex with a couple.)
With the rise of threesome-specific dating apps like Feeld and 3somer , or just plain old-fashioned Tinder and OkCupid, it might seem like finding a unicorn would be easy. But that’s not quite the case. While Tinder is a solid option for both couples and unicorns who might not feel comfortable initiating threeways with people IRL, there are challenges associated with using a dating app to find a unicorn. Potential partners might ghost when it actually comes time to meet, and just like regular online dating, there's no guarantee that the person you meet online is the person you'll meet face-to-face, or whether you'll hit it off IRL.
If you look for a unicorn on a dating app, it’s important to be up front about what you’re looking for. Make sure it’s clear from your profile that you're part of a couple and that you guys are looking for a third. You should also only approach women who explicitly say they're interested in multiple partners on their profiles. Just because someone’s bisexual and likes men and women doesn’t mean they like all men and women. No one likes creeps swooping into their DMs asking for sex, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
If you approach someone IRL, do so respectfully. Take time to get to know your potential unicorn and build a rapport with them first. Unless someone’s explicitly said that they are ready to jump in with you and your girlfriend right now , keep your cool, and take your time before asking. “Talk it over,” says Caldwell. “Ask respectfully, make it clear you're both into it, and make it OK for them to say ‘no’.”
After you find a willing partner and things start to get steamy, don’t be worried if the experience doesn’t live up to your fantasy right away. “Like literally most sex things,” writes Hannah Smothers for Cosmo , “threesomes are something that are hot and steamy in your raunchy fantasies, but have the potential to look and feel extremely awkward IRL.” Embrace the awkwardness, says Caldwell. “Any couple doing this for the first time is likely to stumble over themselves[...] and that’s OK.”
Above all else, take care of your unicorn’s feelings, wants, and needs. Rare as they are, unicorns should be respected and cherished and appreciated, as should any person you decide to have sex with. After all, they're the star of the show, and you wouldn’t be having a threesome without them. If you’re lucky, and if you make sure to keep an open line of communication with your existing partner, the three of you could form a beautiful, sexy, and magical friendship.
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Yes to these apps. No to those awk vibes.
Let’s be real, negotiating the world of threesomes isn't exactly as seamless as you see in movies . Thankfully, threesome apps can be an excellent tool if you’re on the prowl for a ménage à trois.
“Looking for threesomes online is ideal," says sex coach Tiffany Yelverton, founder of EnticeMe.com and Sexy Survivors . "It gives people more discretion than going to a club and is a good way for newbies to ‘dip their toes in’ if they haven’t tried it before.” Plus, “just the thought of looking and exploring can add spice to a relationship, and simply imagining adding a third person can often be enough for some couples.”
Whether you’re single or paired-up, read on for experts' favorite threesome apps and tips for making the most of each one. And it goes without saying: Bookmark these babies for *after* this whole COVID-19 situation clears up. Heck, hopping into bed with a third seems like one heck of a post-pandemic party, if you ask me. In the meantime, fantasize...
You're in for a good, good time with this app, which allows you to join as either a single individual or as part of a couple. “It’s one of the more popular apps for those looking for a female third-party,” says Brenda Wade, PhD, advisor to Online for Love .
In general, Wade has three key guidelines when it comes to engaging in threesomes:
This app is one of the best of the bunch if you’re looking for an option that caters exclusively to threesomes. “It works for both singles and couples,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn , PhD, professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. “Simply sign up and state if you're single looking to enter a threesome or a couple finding a third.” One major perk: “The software is linked with Facebook so you can choose to ‘hide’ from your FB contacts,” she adds. Done.
If you’re, well, open to a broad spectrum of horizontal adventures, this is the site for you. Ideal for pursuing non-monogamous threesomes, polyamory, and BDSM, the app is also great for the LGBTQI+ community. When making your profile, establish some boundaries so potential partners can get a sense of what you truly seek, says Amanda Pasciucco , LMFT, a certified sex therapist based in Connecticut. Try: “We have only Fridays available,” “we don’t text sex partners,” or “we only do threesomes quarterly,” she says.
Hello, threesome-verse. “This app is 100 percent dedicated to threesomes,” says Jason Lee, a relationship science and data analyst with HealthyFramework.com . “While you're going to run into a lower volume of people on this app, everyone is looking for the same thing.” And isn't that the whole point?
Once you sign up, whether solo or as a couple (the app works well for either), you’ll be asked to choose if you are looking for a threesome or another kind of group sex, says Chris Pleines, the chief dating officer of DatingScout.com in Germany. Note: This app is best for sex of the no-strings-attached variety.
You may be surprised, but Tinder has become a surprisingly hot spot to scope out threesomes. “Tinder already has that ‘hook up’ reputation,” says Suwinyattichaiporn. If you’re in the market for a threesome, explicitly communicate this desire in your profile. “Open communication, honest self-disclosure, and lighthearted interaction is the best way to initiate a threesome online,” she says. “Your profile should clearly indicate ‘we're a couple, here to find the right third for a little sensual adventure’ or ‘I'm single, sex-positive, and open to being a third in a threesome.’”
When you’re ready to reach out to someone through your app, reference a threesome straight off the bat, she says. Try: “Hey! I saw the 3some note on your profile, and I'm super intrigued. Would you like to chat more about it?” says Suwinyattichaiporn.
This app aspires to make the swingers community more mainstream, and users can check out threesomes and group sex galore on this popular site. “Its large member database gives you higher chances of meeting like-minded individuals,” says Pleines. Also, if the voyeuristic aspect of threesomes turns you on, you may find plenty of arrangements that allow you to simply be a spectator to others getting down.
Suwinyattichaiporn calls this app “up and coming,” noting that it’s recently gained more users, and it’s definitely one to keep on your radar for when the time is right. “You can identify as a couple seeking a third or a single seeking adventure. The app includes all kinds of sexual orientations, so it’s a diverse space to explore,” she says.
A non-threesome specific app choice for many, Yelverton likes that OKCupid provides a variety of search options in relationship types. “I believe it is important to be open, transparent, and intentional when creating a profile."
She continues: “A good way to state your intentions on your profile is to put, ‘I’m open to....’ followed by the specifics you're looking for, such as men, women, couple, casual, poly, relationship, long-term." You can also start with “My partner and I are searching for…”
This is one of the top platforms if you’re looking for sexually focused relationships, like threesomes. “The app isn't purely focused on threesomes, so you'll want to note what you're looking for on your profile,” Lee says. And be direct: “This isn't the time to be cryptic or wishy-washy about what you're looking for,” Lee says. “If you take that approach, you'll be inundated with a ton of requests for things you're probably not interested in.”
Welcome to the sexual playground equivalent of the good old-fashioned ice cream store, where there are seemingly endless choices to satiate every kind of desire. Even though it’s not specifically geared toward threesomes, you should have no problem finding plenty of leads in this realm. “This site is for people looking for sexual adventures, and with over 90 million members worldwide, you'll surely meet others who are like-minded,” says Pleines.
How To Make The Threesome Of Your Dreams A Reality
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By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Apr 13, 2017
So you've decided to have a threesome.
Please strap in (and strap it on, should you feel so inclined) and prepare to enjoy the sexual adventure of a lifetime, or, at least, like, of this sex-calendar year.
Assuming you've already set your ground rules with your partner and made it clear that either one of you is allowed to change your mind at any time for any reason about this encounter (communication, it's a bitch, but it's the trade-off you make if you want to explore the sex holes of others), now you have to embark on the daunting quest of actually FINDING that third person to bring into your bedroom.
Deciding to have a threesome is an exciting challenge, finding someone to get into your bed (and into your vagina , if you have one) is a challenge, but it's definitely not as exciting. Because let's be real, when it comes to finding that third party who is down to clown, your options are pretty limited.
You can ask a friend and risk the potential humiliation of that friend freaking out and saying no, or risk the trauma of that friend saying yes and then you guys have sex and then things being weird, so maybe don't ask a friend.
Other options included hiring a professional in places where that is legal or using a dating app in the hopes that somewhere in that sea of women looking for true love you happen to find the eager slut of your dreams.
That's why I love the idea of this new app called 3somer .
Rather than trying to make you and your partner's needs fit into the narrow parameters of most dating sites, 3somer is designed for folks who are specifically looking for a threesome . In an age where I order both sandwiches and birth control via apps on my phone it only makes sense that I'd outsource my threesome hunting needs to a specific app, too.
That said, don't expect it to be entirely smooth sailing.
Because the site is open to anyone over the age of 18, if you're a woman on the site prepare to get hit up by dudes who assume that wanting a threesome means you're also game for having sex with them alone, because clearly having stated a desire to experience a threesome means you're also willing to participate in whatever sexual fantasies they have cooked up.
The key to using this app successfully is to approach it with the same mindset you'd have arranging a threesome in real life: be smart, be safe, and communicate.
As someone who has engaged in her fair share of threesomes before, I will say that keeping stuff on an app for too long can sometimes ruin things, so don't drag that noise out.
Meet in real life, not for sex, get dinner first, see how it goes and just like you would on any other date , go from there!
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By
Charlotte Grainger and Zachary Zane
Charlotte Grainger
Charlotte is a freelance journalist with a deep interest in romance and relationships.
Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.
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Make that ménage à trois happen, finally.
Craving a threesome ? You’re not alone. A massive 89 percent of Americans have fantasized about having a ménage à trois , according to research conducted by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. , a Kinsey Institute sex researcher, Men's Health advisory board member, and author of Tell Me What You Want . But for many, this alluring fantasy is nothing more than that—a fantasy. Only around 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome, according to the 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study .
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