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“I Had a Threesome and Now I’m Pregnant”

By: Dear Wendy

October 14, 2011

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A few of weeks ago I had a threesome with a couple I’m friends with. We are all 20 years old and for the guy’s birthday we gave him a threesome. I took the morning after pill when I woke up but I guess it didn’t work because I just found out that I’m pregnant. I know that I’m going to get an abortion but should I tell the father? I don’t want this to ruin his relationship or make things bad between any of us. What do I do? I am very scared of what this will do to all of our friendships. — Terrified and Pregnant
I recently met an amazing guy. He’s intelligent and funny, we have a lot in common, we’re sexually compatible, and we have a lot of fun together. The only problem is that he is deploying in May for a year — and he has a dangerous combat job. According to our mutual friend (the one who introduced us), he’s not interested in a relationship right now due to his impending deployment, which makes sense. We have been spending a lot of time together and I am starting to develop feelings for him. I told him before things got physical that I wasn’t interested in casual sex, and that if we did get involved in that way, I’d likely end up having feelings for him. I am also wary of having a serious/committed relationship with him specifically right now because of his deployment, but I don’t want to miss out on something amazing. How should I proceed in this situation? — Deployment Bound
I just recently turned 21, and have never really had a boyfriend or have ever been in love for that matter. I’ve been on dates, but now that I am close to finishing college, I feel obligated to settle down. My parents had been married two years by the time they were my age. Everyone I know is trying to set me up — some of my friends even make jokes that I am their only single friend, which makes me feel like the black sheep. I am actually okay being single for right now; I just want to focus on finishing school and having fun, but a lot of people feel the need to tell me that my clock is ticking. My Mom even suggested that I start going on dating sites! I know that I will eventually find someone, but when they talk like this it makes me feel like it won’t happen. How do I tell the people I love to stop with the matchmaking skills and let me live my own life? — OK Being Single
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While I’m spending some time with Baby Jackson, I’ll be posting an occasional re-run column. This one originally ran on March 11th.
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss a threesome pregnancy, starting a relationship with a deployment-bound guy, and how to deal with nosy busy-bodies who can’t stop playing matchmaker.
Since I have answered variations of your question before, I will direct you to those columns here, here, and here, and hope those replies help you reach a decision. I also urge you to get tested for STDs as it’s obvious that if you were using protection, it didn’t do its job in at least one regard.
The fact that you just met him and aren’t even in a place where you feel comfortable broaching the topic of relationships with him, and are instead getting information about him from a second hand source, is a pretty good indicator you won’t be ready in two months for the sacrifices needed to maintain a committed relationship with someone deployed in combat for a year. Save yourself a year of turmoil and back off now. If you guys are meant to be, you can explore a relationship when he comes home.
I’d suggest saying something along the lines of this: “I think it’s really great that you found someone at a young age and are really happy with your decision, but I look at your life and know it’s not what I want for myself right now. With all due respect, I’m not ready to trade in what I’ve got for what you’ve got, and I hope you can respect my life choices as much as I’ve shown respect for yours.”
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Can I just add that the idea of “giving” a threesome for a birthday gift really disgusts me?
As much as WE might feel this way, we shouldn’t judge. We’ve all done things in our lives that we realized a little too late were bad ideas. She’s dealing with the consequences now and needs our support (even if it’s only online support….)
Yeah, you’re right on that. There’s no undoing what’s been done and I wish her good health and a strong recovery.
It’s just that it makes me shake my head the way that these two young women have so internalized the idea that sex is just something you “give” to a man like any other commodity. I’m not railing against threesomes if it is something all parties want to do because of mutual attraction, desire, curiosity, etc and are all active players. It just really rubs me the wrong way…I mean? “so what’s the best birthday present you ever got?” “sex with my girlfriend and her female bestie”? I think it gives the impression to this young man that sex is something women do *for* him, that it’s a commodity.
Yeah, I understand what you mean. They are just 20 years old… at that age I was also among the many girls who gave up sex just to please a guy. A lot of girls feel pressured to make sure their man is satisfied, so he won’t be tempted to cheat. It’s kind of sad.

fast eddie
March 11, 2011, 10:56 am

Perhaps it was just her choice of words about gifting him with sex. She apparently consented to this evening of adventure for her own reasons. Thankfully she can have a legal and safe abortion. I don’t get all the comments about sex being a commodity, but that may be my male perspective which is somewhat restricted.
I think it’s the notion in our culture that among straight people, men bring the demand and women have the supply. When we see magazine articles directed at women, we often encounter the position that the way women attract and keep men is by cultivating and maintaining sexually attractive/available bodies. So, sex and sexuality are the commodity by which women are understood to secure the affection, ongoing interest, and attention of men. The obvious problem with this line of thinking is that it assumes women have less of a physical drive for sex and instead use sex strategically to aquire status, security, or relationships. This view is a disservice to the complexity of women’s sexuality and diverse natures. It also assumes that straight men can be controlled by manipulating their sexual impulses, which is reductive to men and the variation of their experiences and characters.
The idea of sex as a ‘gift’ implies the woman benefits from the act of giving, rather than the sexual act itself, whereas sex should be enthusiastically collaborated upon by all partners, who share in the experience on similar levels and engage for similar reasons. Does that make sense?
I also have noticed that in many of your comments, fast eddy, you disclaim your point of view as ‘a male perspective’, or ‘a guy’s point of view’. You don’t speak for all men, nor is your point of view only informed by your maleness. Instead, your perspective is your own unique perspective, and has been formed in part from your experiences in this world as a man, but also, your history and ideas are not identical to or fully representative of the multitude of perspectives that men have because of their personal beliefs, relationship background, age, culture, race, class, and other identity factors. Not nitpicking, just saying…
Your right Conv. but not every reader pays as much attention to details as you do. Thanks for pointing it out. I’ll refrain from doing that in future posts. After giving your reply some thought I looked at my pic and it’s completely obvious that I’m an older male.
What’s not so obvious is that I’ve got a fat gut. LOL
I agree to much, but I don’t like seeing sex reduced always to the give & take. Sex can and has been distorted to this level. We probably disagree how that is achieved though.
No personal judgment, but sometime in the future I think a man needs to know. First he is gifted with sex, then he is gifted with blissful ignorance? Why do women carry this burden to make men happy, she didn’t get pregnant on her own.
I agree MissDre, we shouldn’t judge. Wendy hit the nail on the head with getting tested for STDs. If you are going to do something like LW1 did, you need to be super careful. LW1 needs to make sure that this pregnancy came from the threesome before she decides whether to tell the other participants though. Not assuming anything about her behavior, but if it just happened a few weeks ago and she just found out she’s pregnant, the timing may not add up.

camille905
March 11, 2011, 10:14 am

As much as the idea of “giving” him a threesome may disgust you (which is your own issue to deal with), please also consider this- maybe this guy had shared with his girlfriend that a threesome was one of his fantasies and in the interest of maintaining a healthy relationship where he felt he could share things with her, she decided to fulfill one of his fantasies. There is nothing wrong that. How do we know he hasn’t fulfilled some fantasy of hers? It’s not as if the LW was coerced into the situation since she was the third.
They were attempting to be responsible and it didn’t work. Nothing is 100% except not having sex. If they were older would people be so disgusted/disappointed?
It’s the idea of “giving” the fantasy as a present, not the act of doing it that is bothering her I think.
I don’t really agree, I think its more harmless than making sex a commodity (although the idea of prostitution doesn’t bother me anyway) and the girlfriend would fulfill the fantasy eventually anyway even if she didn’t have a reason/occasion. I mean, most likely all 3 of them were interested in having a threesome and the birthday is the chosen occasion that sparked it. An excuse to make it happen, really.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all if all parties are mutually excited/interested by it. It’s just that I know how girls (some, not all) can think.
I was friends with a guy who got engaged at a very young age, like 21. He was conflicted about getting married, because he’d never been with any other girls except his fiance. So that made her feel pressured to satisfy him. She tried to “give” him a threesome because she was afraid that he would regret not having been with other girls, or that he might cheat, or leave her. So his fiance gets this other girl in the room, but freaked out and couldn’t go through with it.
I am not trying to paint everyone with the same brush, I know we are all different and I certainly don’t know the couple in this situation. But having been an insecure girl who gave up sex as a way to please a guy, and knowing other girls who have done the same, I just hope that the threesome didn’t happen for the wrong reasons.
It’s said that it was between friends and that “we gave THE GUY” not “my boyfriend.”
So, even as much a proponent of casual sex/do what you want with your life as I am, giving a threesome to “a guy” for his birthday is a bit weird to me.
And like Wendy said, that girl needs to get tested.
errr i can’t read. i didnt see that it was “the couple” i’m friends with.

bittergaymark
October 14, 2011, 6:14 pm

For that matter, how do ANY of you know that the Girlfriend wasn’t just as excited about this threesome as her Boy Friend? Seriously, so many of you seem so sex negative that you simply assume the poor Girlfriend was gagging her way through the entire evening… Like she was so hopelessly put upon. That very likely is not even remotely true… So, please, seriously, stop pinning all of your own hang ups on to other people.
If you wouldn’t have a threeway, hey, that’s all well and good. That’s your choice and your decision. But there is no need for you to project your own personal qualms about having one onto the LW’s best friend and assume that she normally would feel just as disgusted as you would about having a threesome, but felt so desperate to keep her man or to please her man that she simply forced herself to go through with it.
Not all women are victims. Just because some don’t follow your standard rules or strict code of morality is no reason to assume that they are victims of society that forces them to have sex with people they don’t want to. Seriously…
There’s nothing wrong with “giving” sex as a gift. How many women give their boyfriend or husband birhtday BJ’s? How many of us give sex if he does the dishes? Prostitution aside, many people are already using sex as a way of rewarding a partner, or making a special day even more special. All 3 were consenting adults who probably all enjoyed it so why judge? It’s not disgusting, it’s not unnatural, and just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong. The only person that belongs in a consenting adult’s bed are those she invites, not those who want to judge.
You’re very right, there’s nothing wrong with giving sex. People do it all the time and it is perfectly ok. And please don’t misunderstand me, I am certainly not judging her. I’ve done the whole threesome thing too, so for me to judge her would be the pot calling the kettle black.
My only concern (just in general, not directed at the letter above) is girls “giving” sex because they are in a place of insecurity. It hurts me to think of other girls being in the situations that I put myself in when I was younger. Giving up sex to guy even though I didn’t really want to do it, just because I wanted him to like me. Participating in a threesome because I didn’t know how to speak up and say no. Doing things in bed that I thought a guy would like (even though they made me uncomfortable) just because I was afraid he’d leave me for another girl if I didn’t. Having sex even if it hurt because, again, I was desperately seeking approval.
I just really hope that these girls have never put themselves in any of these kinds of situations. I hope that they are happy and healthy, and that they love themselves, and that they are giving sex because they genuinely want to, not because they feel they must.
It does hurt to watch young women who are so smart and competent in school and at work be so insecure in relationships. I’ve been helping my daughter stand up to a forceful friend who really is a nice girl but who does try to demand that her friends do just what she wants when she wants. I’ve told my daughter it’s always okay to turn someone down when you don’t want to do what they want you to do and I’ve seen her more and more forcefully saying no to her friend. I was only thinking of this in context of peer pressure but am realizing that this will also help her stand up for herself with men. We so much must help our daughters and sons stick up for themselves.
I’m happy to hear that you are teaching your daughter to stand up for herself. It was not something I learned until just within the past 2 years, and I’m still working on it. I’m sure she’s a super smart young lady and she’s lucky to have a mom like you
I really didn’t have anyone help me to stick up for myself and so I too was slow to learn it. I finally found that it really is easy to say no, you just say it and the reaction I usually anticipated receiving usually wasn’t there. It was all in my head.
I dont know, I think it’s kinda of insulting to give someone something as a gift that you ideally would be doing out of mutual enjoyment. I mean, aren’t sex and oral sex and kinky stuff supposed to be something couples enjoy doing together all the time?
but than again, people go out to restaurants all the time and that is a common birthday gift too so I guess it’s more like that than “I will make the sacrifice of having sex with you but ONLY because it’s your birthday”
I agree that women shouldn’t have sex, any kind of sex, if that’s not what they want and that’s not what they enjoy. The facts are, sex is supposed to be enjoyable to all parties but sometimes you do stuff because your partner enjoys it more than you do. I know so many women who hate giving a guy oral sex but continue to do so because he enjoys it. It’s not like he’s asking her to kill a goat to get him off and just because she may not be completely into doesn’t mean she’s being taken advantage of either. For that matter, how many women insist that their guy give her oral sex even though he might not enjoy it like she does. I see nothing wr
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