Femme Guy

Femme Guy
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I have always been feminine. But only in the past few years have I called myself "femme." The difference stands not in abbreviation, but in queer coding. Unfortunately, many folks outside of the queer scene don't fully understand what femme means or recognize its distinct differences from feminine. But the differences are precisely why the word femme must exist in the first place.
To put it simply, "femme" is a descriptor for a queer person who presents and acts in a traditionally feminine manner, as explained by feminist media site Autostraddle. This might be a cis pillow princess , like myself, an asexual trans woman, or a gay non-binary individual, but all femmes hit upon two key aesthetic and identity-related traits: Being feminine and falling somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.
There is also a sense of reclamation when it comes to the femme descriptor. For many, it's about owning the stereotypes and expectations so often placed on women and making them our own. As Evan Urquhart wrote for Slate in 2015, "Intentionality is the key to distinguishing a femme identity from a traditionally feminine one."
Urquhart's point is that being femme isn't about acting feminine or "girly" in the ways mainstream society generally feels that female-presenting people "should" act. Instead, it's about subverting the expectations that women face purely for being women. This is why you will often see femme-identifying people presenting exaggerated versions of femininity over traditional, cookie-cutter, or preppy ones.
For me, using the word "femme" over the descriptor "feminine" is a key component in claiming my queerness. It's a queerness that has often, because of my bisexuality, been erased. This experience is one lived by many queer women and has arguably been discussed more and more with the rise of the internet, including a Twitter campaign by Huffington Post in 2014 that resulted in the hashtag #WhatFemmeLooksLike .
In 2012, queer and relationships blogger Sinclair Sexmith explained femme invisibility succinctly in a post, with no beating about the bush, noting:
"Femme invisibility is a real thing. It happens all the time. Queer women who are feminine get seen as straight — by straight folks, other queer folks, and sometimes even queer femmes themselves — because this culture expects dykes to reject gender roles automatically when rejecting a heterosexual orientation. As if those two things go together inseparably."
What's important to conceptualize about this quote and the narrative that it is fighting against is the division between gender and sexuality that is, actually, an important one. Although gender and sexuality can be undeniably and intrinsically linked, they are not one and the same. What we identify as and who we are attracted to are two separate constructs, and how we present ourselves physically often has little to do with who we are attracted to.
In Urquhart's same Slate article, a friend summed up the contrast of being interested in women and appearing feminine perfectly: "Being femme is about being authentic to what I actually like and how I actually want to appear, in spite of what my sexuality leads people to expect."
If we expect women who like women to present as butch and men who like men to present as feminine, we inadvertently reinforce gender binaries . This is not a slight against butch women, feminine men, or anyone in between, but rather a critique of the expectation so many people feel to fulfill these roles based on their sexuality.
In a comic for Everyday Feminism , artist Anna Bongiovanni explained the privilege in this binary: "We live in a culture that celebrates masculinity and demonizes and shames femininity and those habits don't go away in the queer community."
This promotion of heteronormativity is harmful, though. It erases identities and denies the reality that our identities are complex.
For those reasons, it is crucial to remember that a butch lesbian isn't usually playing into stereotypes of sexuality any more than a femme lesbian is playing into stereotypes of gender: Our identities are so much more layered than that.
So when it comes to feminine and 100 percent straight individuals contemplating whether they should self-describe as femme, I'd personally suggest steering clear from a word that means so much within a community they are not a part of. Ultimately, "femme" is about braking binaries. It's about subverting cultural expectations. It's about being more than one thing. It's about queerness.

*First Published: Feb 12, 2019, 6:30 am CST
More stories to check out before you go

wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock

(Licensed)

Posted on Feb 12, 2019 Updated on Jun 8, 2021, 7:53 pm CDT
As our understanding of gender and sexuality develops as a society, the LGBTQ community is on the front lines of figuring out what words to use to express gender identity. When I said this to a straight, cisgender family member, she asked, “Who makes the rules?” The answer is both no one and all of us.
Language has always grown to fit people’s needs, and it is no different in the modern queer community. Terms like masc and femme aren’t put in place by a rule maker, but over time, through how people identify themselves and the conversations they have about what those identities mean.
That being said, because these definitions are developed personally and across international discourses, they’re not always straightforward, and they can mean different things for different people. You might intuitively infer masc meaning masculine and femme meaning feminine, but they stand for much more, and their meanings can change with context.
In a Bustle article explaining the difference in femme meaning and feminine meaning, Gina Tonic wrote, “all femmes hit upon two key aesthetic and identity-related traits: Being feminine and falling somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.”
That’s the base definition, but the term is often used in conjunction with others that add additional meaning or context.
Often people who fall under the non-binary umbrella will use femme to describe their presentation or their identity. Examples of this include “non-binary femme” or “genderqueer femme.”
Another common use of these terms is in combination with trans: transmasculine or transfeminine (transmasc and transfemme for short). Transfemme people are typically assigned male at birth (AMAB) but identify more with feminity. Examples of people who might identify with this word include trans women, demi girls, genderfluid people, agender people, and non-binary people.
Transfemme can be used as an identity, but it’s also useful for describing shared experiences and organizing events or spaces for people. While there are many experiences shared by trans people regardless of gender, some experiences are unique to transfemme folks.
Many queer women also use femme to describe themselves, and while some use masc, butch is a more common term in this subgroup of the LGBTQ community. Femme and butch were terms originally coined by the lesbian community, but they’re now also used by queer women of other identities as well. Some LGBTQ women who are between butch and femme use the word “futch” to describe themselves, combining the two.
The same principle for femmes can be applied to mascs: They are masculine and fall somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.
According to the Gender Wiki , transmasc people are typically assigned female at birth (AFAB) but identify more with masculinity. Examples of people who might identify as transmasc include trans men, demiguys, genderfluid people, agender people, and non-binary people.
Both masc and femme can have less-positive connotations in the LGBTQ community, too.
Masc and femme (usually shortened to fem) are used as shorthand for masculine and feminine by gay men, and the terms have gotten a bad reputation for how they’re used in the gay dating scene. “No fats, no fems” was such a popular phrase in profiles on dating apps like Grindr that someone made a shirt of it. Grindr ended up changing its community guidelines to not allow “language that is used to openly discriminate against other users’ traits and characteristics” to combat the pervasive problem on their platform. “Masc4masc” is a less-aggressive common phrase used on dating apps to send a similar message.
The language of gender is evolving, and as such, there’s no way to completely capture the full variety of what masc and femme mean for the people who use them. Just as each non-binary person has a unique experience of their gender, the reasons people use the terms masc and femme are equally varied. In an effort to show what these words can mean for those who identify, the Daily Dot interviewed several LGBTQ people about their relationship with the terms.
Noel, who identifies as non-binary and genderfluid, uses the terms to create both clarity and nuance. “I use masc and femme because it’s a non-binary way of talking about the binary,” they said. “Masc and femme are more open to interpretation. Some people think being a stay at home parent is masc. Others think it’s femme. That’s why I like using these terms in conjunction with trans, because it means that I am moving towards an identity and away from expected roles and expectations.”
In a similar fashion, Max, a transmasculine non-binary person from Washington, D.C., takes the traditional use of masculinity and puts a non-toxic spin on it. “[Masculinity] exists primarily in my relation to other people,” they said. While it looks like being with “other mascs or men and participating in bonding rituals,” these rituals do not have to be about bro-ing down.
“For me, embracing masculinity looks like trying to embrace traits like self-confidence, using your strength to help others or lift them up, using privileges to stand up for people, etc.,” they said. “I once saw someone describe non-toxic masculinity for them as ‘I lift weights so I can hold every breed of dog like a baby’ and that’s the kind of energy I’m going for.”
Ashe, who identifies as genderfluid, says that femme and masc give them something to ascribe their ID to in trans spaces. “I don’t really identify with the term transgender because I’m non-binary,” Ashe said. “So instead of saying transgender, I can say trans-masc or trans-femme to feel like I belong in the community without making myself feel bad.”
Chris, who is non-binary and genderfluid, said that femme and masc also gives their identity more nuance. “For most of my life, I didn’t have the words to describe what I felt,” they said. “In the early 2000s, I briefly questioned if I was a trans woman. After reading about the experiences of many trans women, however, I decided that label didn’t seem to fit me. I see myself as a combination of masculine and feminine. I enjoy working out with weights and like developing a more muscular frame, yet I also like trying on different looks with makeup.”
To some people, femme simply means what has been traditionally defined as feminine. “I wear lots of dresses, have long hair, love jewelry and a feminine figure, so I call myself femme,” said Alexa, who is agender.
The definitions of femme and masc are both ridiculously straightforward and endlessly complex. While they correspond to feminine and masculine, the connotations in any specific LGBTQ community, or to any specific person, can vary a lot. Just as with new words for sexualities, ultimately, it’s about people finding words that feel comfortable. While there are general ideas of what femme and masc mean, the most important thing is respecting how people identify and present that identity.
Alex Dalbey is a writer and zinester currently living in Saint Paul, Minnesota. They have written for The Daily Dot, Kill Screen, The Lingerie Addict, and Bullet Points.
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*First Published: Feb 12, 2019, 6:30 am CST
More stories to check out before you go

wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock

(Licensed)

Posted on Feb 12, 2019 Updated on Jun 8, 2021, 7:53 pm CDT
As our understanding of gender and sexuality develops as a society, the LGBTQ community is on the front lines of figuring out what words to use to express gender identity. When I said this to a straight, cisgender family member, she asked, “Who makes the rules?” The answer is both no one and all of us.
Language has always grown to fit people’s needs, and it is no different in the modern queer community. Terms like masc and femme aren’t put in place by a rule maker, but over time, through how people identify themselves and the conversations they have about what those identities mean.
That being said, because these definitions are developed personally and across international discourses, they’re not always straightforward, and they can mean different things for different people. You might intuitively infer masc meaning masculine and femme meaning feminine, but they stand for much more, and their meanings can change with context.
In a Bustle article explaining the difference in femme meaning and feminine meaning, Gina Tonic wrote, “all femmes hit upon two key aesthetic and identity-related traits: Being feminine and falling somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.”
That’s the base definition, but the term is often used in conjunction with others that add additional meaning or context.
Often people who fall under the non-binary umbrella will use femme to describe their presentation or their identity. Examples of this include “non-binary femme” or “genderqueer femme.”
Another common use of these terms is in combination with trans: transmasculine or transfeminine (transmasc and transfemme for short). Transfemme people are typically assigned male at birth (AMAB) but identify more with feminity. Examples of people who might identify with this word include trans women, demi girls, genderfluid people, agender people, and non-binary people.
Transfemme can be used as an identity, but it’s also useful for describing shared experiences and organizing events or spaces for people. While there are many experiences shared by trans people regardless of gender, some experiences are unique to transfemme folks.
Many queer women also use femme to describe themselves, and while some use masc, butch is a more common term in this subgroup of the LGBTQ community. Femme and butch were terms originally coined by the lesbian community, but they’re now also used by queer women of other identities as well. Some LGBTQ women who are between butch and femme use the word “futch” to describe themselves, combining the two.
The same principle for femmes can be applied to mascs: They are masculine and fall somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.
According to the Gender Wiki , transmasc people are typically assigned female at birth (AFAB) but identify more with masculinity. Examples of people who might identify as transmasc include trans men, demiguys, genderfluid people, agender people, and non-binary people.
Both masc and femme can have less-positive connotations in the LGBTQ community, too.
Masc and femme (usually shortened to fem) are used as shorthand for masculine and feminine by gay men, and the terms have gotten a bad reputation for how they’re used in the gay dating scene. “No fats, no fems” was such a popular phrase in profiles on dating apps like Grindr that someone made a shirt of it. Grindr ended up changing its community guidelines to not allow “language that is used to openly discriminate against other users’ traits and characteristics” to combat the pervasive problem on their platform. “Masc4masc” is a less-aggressive common phrase used on dating apps to send a similar message.
The language of gender is evolving, and as such, there’s no way to completely capture the full variety of what masc and femme mean for the people who use them. Just as each non-binary person has a unique experience of their gender, the reasons people use the terms masc and femme are equally varied. In an effort to show what these words can mean for those who identify, the Daily Dot interviewed several LGBTQ people about their relationship with the terms.
Noel, who identifies as non-binary and genderfluid, uses the terms to create both clarity and nuance. “I use masc and femme because it’s a non-binary way of talking about the binary,” they said. “Masc and femme are more open to interpretation. Some people think being a stay at home parent is masc. Others think it’s femme. That’s why I like using these terms in conjunction with trans, because it means that I am moving towards an identity and away from expected roles and expectations.”
In a similar fashion, Max, a transmasculine non-binary person from Washington, D.C., takes the traditional use of masculinity and puts a non-toxic spin on it. “[Masculinity] exists primarily in my relation to other people,” they said. While it looks like being with “other mascs or men and participating in bonding rituals,” these rituals do not have to be about bro-ing down.
“For me, embracing masculinity looks like trying to embrace traits like self-confidence, using your strength to help others or lift them up, using privileges to stand up for people, etc.,” they said. “I once saw someone describe non-toxic masculinity for them as ‘I lift weights so I can hold every breed of dog like a baby’ and that’s the kind of energy I’m going for.”
Ashe, who identifies as genderfluid, says that femme and masc give them something to ascribe their ID to in trans spaces. “I don’t really identify with the term transgender because I’m non-binary,” Ashe said. “So instead of saying transgender, I can say trans-masc or trans-femme to feel like I belong in the community without making myself feel bad.”
Chris, who is non-binary and genderfluid, said that femme and masc also gives their identity more nuance. “For most of my life, I didn’t have the words to describe what I felt,” they said. “In the early 2000s, I briefly questioned if I was a trans woman. After reading about the experiences of many trans women, however, I decided that label didn’t seem to fit me. I see myself as a combination of masculine and feminine. I enjoy working out with weights and like developing a more
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