Femdom How To

Femdom How To
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.

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It’s hot, sexy, kinky as hell—and also really nice?
Within the kink community, there are all types of dominant and submissive roles, each with their own layer of nuance. While the mainstream Fifty Shades stuff might conjure up an image of a male dominant with whips and handcuffs and lots o’ Red Room sex, another dom/sub relationship might involve no sex and focus more on role-playing as a nurturing mother or teacher.
The latter form of dom/subbing is referred to as “gentle femdom,” a kink that, unfortunately, doesn’t always get as much ink as it deserves. Thankfully, we found two experts to help break down and explain a beginner’s guide to gentle femdom.
Think of gentle femdom as female domination without the elements of pain, harsh punishment, or humiliation. It can be sexual, only BDSM-based, or role-based. As Carol Queen , PhD, resident sexologist at Good Vibrations , says, gentle femdom is more infused with love and nurturing.
“It will often focus on roles that have power—like mommy or teacher—but also have nurturance and care built in,” Queen adds. The erotic component of gentle femdom can be pleasure-focused or it can just be about dominance without pain and intensity that is often associated with non-gentle kink play.
Femdom as a larger umbrella term can refer to domination ranging from gentle to very fierce and intense, depending on the domme (the female spelling of dom) and partner’s interests and limits, says Queen.
Not at all! “Gentle domming is for everyone, no matter what gender expression or sexuality they identify with,” explains Mistress Couple , a professional dominatrix and author of The Ultimate Guide to Bondage .
Queen says that while the classic armchair psychologist’s analysis of a male sub might bring to mind a CEO with too much power that he needs to feel subservient, you don’t have to be a powerful exec to want to be dominated by a woman. There are dudes out there who just want a partner to exercise power over them (and this doesn’t automatically mean it has to include pain or rougher play). “Some subs feel that it is easier to feel loved and cared for in such a scene,” she adds.
If you don’t love the idea of inflicting pain on your partner but do want to play with a power dynamic, this can be a great kink to experiment with, Queen says. With gentle femdom, “it’s a very easy kind of play to slide into” and allows new-to-kink couples to ease into things.
Not to mention, for some women who have never really been encouraged to take power, this can be an extra-exciting dynamic to try out, says Queen. “It can be based on roles that are already coded female, even feminine, and that is appealing to some.”
Couple says she personally finds that the “love, care, and empathy that are involved in a gentle femdom dynamic really help to create a safe container for the more violent or taboo activities that a couple might want to try. These qualities also contribute to deepening devotion—a key aspect of any BDSM dynamic.”
Totally. Just like how there’s mommy play seen in gentle femdom, there’s daddy play in the gentle form of male domming.
Couple says that of common BDSM activities, teasing and denial, sensation play that utilizes different temperatures (think a glass or steel dildo that can get warm or be cooled down to the touch), and leash walking could be used in a gentle femdom dynamic. Role-play is also big, according to Queen.
For nonsexual activities, Couple suggests starting with pre-date-night activities, like picking out your partner’s clothes for the night, instructing them on how to strip for you, using sex toys on them, or directing them to use toys on you.
Definitely make sure you talk about it before you just bust into bossing them around—even if it’s not sexual in nature, changing that dynamic can be super jarring and fucked-up to your partner if you don’t both consensually go into it!
If you’ve dabbled with kink play before, Queen recommends just asking for it up front. You can say, “I heard about this kind of play, do you want to try it with me?” Queen says that trying this supersweet version of BDSM might not be as big of a risk as you think.
If you’ve never dabbled in role-play before, Queen says you can also try asking, “If we tried role-play, what kinds of roles do you think you’d be into?” For more role-play tips, you can also check out the chapter in Queen’s book Exhibitionism for the Shy .
And as always, make sure you have a safe word at the ready!
“Domination is mostly about control and lack of control,” says Couple. She recommends kicking things off by teasing your partner. Tie them down so they can’t move, and then you can slowly begin to kiss or caress your way around their body and get them worked up. “Make them beg for more attention,” says Couple, and have them do so for a while before you give in. Since this type of domination is gentle and nurturing, “the only pain they should feel in this activity is the overwhelming torture of wanting to be close to you.”

Ahh. The wonderful, erotic, kind, and tender world of gentle femdom. It’s a community with millions of very happy people who all love the dominant yet light and pleasant side of this type of relationship. Gentle FemDom is also sometimes abbreviated to GFD which some of you may prefer to call it.
Gentle femdom is like normal femdom (female domination) except it’s sweeter and kinder and where the sub will perform acts of service, body worship, sexual submissiveness, maybe the sub will be collared but rarely will the sub be punished as would usually happen, instead a sub is usually praised for their efforts through affection and physical and verbal praise. They may be teased and denied their orgasm but this is done affectionately and a sub will always give their best effort which is more than likely always rewarded.
My boyfriend and I have had a lot of fun with the gentle femdom kink. It started with pegging, which was completely separate from our femdom experience, but we actually started to enjoy the domination aspects of it, so much so I’ve written about it a few times on my blog.
We’ve had pegging threesomes and I even wrote a femdom pegging guide . I think I’m pretty hooked at this point and so ladies and gentlemen this is everything that you need to know about GFD.
I’d say that personally gentle soft femdom is the perfect intro into this kink. It still needs an open mind from whoever is involved, but it’s far easier to start and have the conversation about it.
There are also a lot of ways to try this type of female domination without having to dive deep into the kink, so it’s pretty accessible for newbies, which is always a great opener. For me, it’s not about complete domination all the time. I’m personally a switch which means that I enjoy being dominant and submissive.
If you choose to enjoy gentle femdom it’s a great way to build up trust with a partner and feel a great connection, this can happen whether you’re a newbie or practice femdom (I have some amazing femdom bedroom ideas here ) all of the time. Switching on that maternal, loving side to your brain is really nice sometimes and allows you to explore a really interesting side to sex and even your relationship.
I actually find gentle femdom to be a deeply loving and bonding experience, it’s about being soft and gentle guiding your sub, and having fun with your sub, showing them lots of love all while still being in total control of them without any of the punishing or humiliating.
I find it a really healthy kink and it’s a great reward after some harder femdom moments for those of us who still enjoy the dominatrix and hard dom side to the femdom world and so if that sounds like a nice idea to you here are the best ways to enjoy soft femdom with my 101 guide that tells you everything you need to know:
I’m going to show you some of the things I’ve fallen in love with during my time experimenting with femdom with my boyfriend so that you too can have a sweet and exciting time as a gentle dom.
I decided to keep track of everything I used the last few times I gently dominated my man and this is a quick breakdown, it’s also all the stuff I mention further on in this post:
Bed Restraints: Most of you hopefully already have some bed restraints ( these bed restraints are amazing ), they are amazing for all kinds of sex, especially domination. Once their feet and hands are restrained, you can do whatever you please without any of their limbs getting the way.
Handcuffs : You can use heavy-duty handcuffs, rope, or any loose material that can bind the hands together. I usually use handcuffs or rope, we have used scarves and a modified belt before too.
Rope : Rope is solid, you can use it for so many different types of restraining and it’s cheap and easy to buy. The only downside is you do need to research knots and ways to tie but this really isn’t hard to learn.
Blindfold: Use fabric, use a pillowcase, a t-shirt, or if you have a blindfold use that. Adds another element of control as you take away your subs vision.
A Good Vibrator: I love my magic wand , it’s easy to use with restraints, has high enough vibrations to make my man cum, and can be wired or wireless. If you don’t have one you can use an electric toothbrush (just take the head off and make sure to charge it fully), you can use it on the balls and head of the penis for a satisfying rumble.
Butt Plug : Any good butt plug will do, good for a warm-up and fun for teasing and denial.
Strap-on : I’ve played and tested a few strap-ons, these below are by far the best for pegging, but just wear one that feels comfy to you and your sub.
#1. Beginner Pegging dildo : This beginner’s dildo is a manageable 5.5 inches, slim, and easy to use and handle. Ideal for beginners and those who just prefer something a little smaller.
#2. Intermediate pegging dildo : It’s slim, there’s a hole for you to add a vibrator into, it is incredibly irresistible and is perfect for all doms and subs.
#3 . Advanced pegging dildo : A delightful 8-inches, hollow, and with a vibrator attached, this pegging dildo is a real treat and great for putting subs in their place, respectfully of course.
Masturbator: You can use a fleshlight or a male masturbator, it’s really good for edging. (if your sub is male if not just edge them with your vibrator).
I have done a much more in detail femdom resource guide , but this is pretty much all you need to get started with gentle femdom sex toys. Now, let’s move onto the affectionate verbal side of this harmless and kind kink:
The first step in making yourself into the best gentle dom is by acquainting yourself with kind and encouraging positive words. This is super simple, you want to be in full control, but be positive and supportive instead of forcefully dominant and punishing.
Being able to do this puts you in a great position and will instantly make your sub feel good and set you on your way to mastering the art of soft femdom.
Remember though, your sub still has to be respectful, listen and do as you say, but you’re more forgiving, you give them rewards and you’re mindful of their feelings.
It’s all about nurturing with slight hints of domination whilst still remaining calm, kind, and in control.
You can add any of the above to your pegging, punishments, sex and it will add a nice gentle vibe to the whole experience.
Dirty talk can be just as important as positive reinforcement and actions and so try out some of these pleasant and stimulating GFD words and phrases to use on your submissive:
Next up in this femdom 101 guides, let’s talk about feminization…
Some of you may wish to skip this part as gentle femdom doesn’t often involve feminization or humiliation but for those of you who wish to try it out and get some femdom tips in this category, this is for you. If not, scroll down to the next block.
Not all subs are into feminization, but it can be a beautiful part of this kink if you do it right.
You’re letting go of a big part of control when you wear something feminine and it doesn’t change who you are, it’s fun and something to be embraced if you enjoy it, and try it at least once if you haven’t before. For me, I like my man to embrace his feminine side and be treated with the love and care that females are often met with.
My feminization routine isn’t as intense as it would be for more extreme gentle female domination, instead, it’s just sexy and an experience for him to wear the hot clothes I wear every day and get treated with tenderness and care.
Knee-high socks: This is usually where it starts, just a cute pair of knee-high socks for him to look sexy in (he has great legs!).
Stockings: Stockings are fun to wear and I want to share that fun with him.
Panties/Thong: Next you can make him wear a thong or cute panties every time you peg him. It’s strange how hot it can be, it’s like I shouldn’t find my boyfriend hot in a thong, but while I’m pegging him it just is. Especially if you’re bi and like women. Seeing his cock tucked away inside of the small material is such a turn-on!
Pink Clothes: Pink PJs, pink jeans and shirts, you can have a lot of fun with them and it’s really easy to find pink clothing. Usually, I make him dress in pink for date night.
Body Stocking: If you really want him to be sexy, then try a full body stocking , it’s crotchless, cute, easy to wear, and will make him look cute.
Now, remember the compliments, I always compliment how sexy he looks, I let him know it’s fun for me too and I give him lots of positive reinforcement, to keep him wanting to try it again and feel hot and pretty rather than humiliated or forced.
Some like mom jeans, PJs, and everyday clothes, others like to wear something latex, sheer or slutty. Some like to dress their partner up in their own clothes. Whatever it is you think would suit your relationship and dynamic is the best option.
I did a big article on the best femdom outfits (coming soon), I find myself that if I wear something that makes me feel sexy and powerful it puts me in the mood to be a good dom even if it is a gentle scenario, I still like to feel powerful.
The outfit is sorted now let’s move onto the leash and collar, a very important step for femdoms:
Taming is part of this kink and I haven’t found a better way than when using a collar and a leash. Collars are pretty standard and are like the wedding ring (or at least engagement ring) in a femdom relationship.
The submissive who wears a collar is officially ‘owned’ by their dom. It also gives a nice little contrast of the power dynamic between the two of you.
Usually, it’s worn in private, at pride and lifestyle safe events and clubs, some also have a daily wearer that’s a little less noticeable.
You can even have a ceremony to commemorate it, this is usually done when you sign a femdom contract . However, don’t feel as if you have to wear it 24/7 some just like to wear a collar and leash in the bedroom and when they are engaging in some gentle or non-gentle femdom play.
Or you can simply go to a pet shop and buy one it doesn’t have to be complicated.
You then have the pretty leash as an option too, it’s again about submission, you don’t have to be forceful with it, you can be playful, use it to guide and treat your sub like the good pup they are.
The next step is personal grooming, you can teach your sub how to wash you, shave you and cleanse your body. Even set up their own routine. Have a bath or shower together and show affection and praise as your sub does exactly as you like. Also if you prefer them shaved, you can show them how to shave, with intricacy and soft strokes. This is a good bonding experience for you both before you start your sex session and can be something that is done routinely between you both as a way to get acquainted and reassure one another of the power dynamic that is about to occur between you both.
To be the best sub and dom it’s important to remind yourselves of your dynamics and your position in the bedroom and that’s where eagerness comes in…
Reinstate your eagerness to your dom/sub. Repeat these instructions to one another and remind one another what it is you want and gain from your power and docility:
Dom: I am caring and respect your limits and try not to push you over them, I’ll care for you even after the session and help guide you to be the best sub.
Sub: I am eager, willing to do as you say with complete enthusiasm and appreciation, I will give myself to you because I trust you fully.
Restraints are super important for gentle femdom, why?
Restraints are used to keep your sub however you want them, they are used to tease, deny and give your sub a loss of power. They control him so you don’t have to.
This makes it easy to stay gentle because you don’t need to restrain him yourself. It also is a great reminder as to who is in charge. If you’re on a budget use rope, it’s cheap and has lots of wonderful uses, if not then get a four-way bed restraint . You don’t need to remove it before sleeping and it can be tucked away nice and discreetly whenever it is not in use.
Here are my favorite ways to restrain your sub:
Four ways on his back: Restrain both his wrists and ankles to each corner of the bed (this is so easy with the restraints I mentioned before). Great for edging his cock, tickling, cuddling, ruined orgasms . You can unclip his legs for easy access pegging, you can peg his ass, put a vibrator on his cock, or milk his cock at the same time.
Four ways on his front: Securing his four limbs to each corner of the bed except this time on his front, this is amazing for pegging, with complete control, gentle spanking, and massage.
Hands behind the back: Doggy style with hands restrained with rope or cuffs behind the back is the perfect soft position, the position does the harder work, while you just gentle thrust, while holding onto his cuffed hands.
Hands tied above head: If you use rope or cuffs, have them anchored to the part of the bed a
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