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Originally Published: March 11, 2018
If You’re Wondering How Often You Should Pee, You're Probably Not Going Enough
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Some people are skeptical of this “new trend” of kids coming out as transgender and non-binary at an early age. Why are there suddenly so many?
I’ll tell you why. Because they’re less afraid of you people.
I suspected, at nine. I knew at eleven. I fought against it at fifteen, sixteen. By seventeen I knew I wouldn’t change.
But I had also learned, because I had heard the word “Maricón” (Sissy) often enough, that I must hide, push down this female self — because nothing good came with that word.
Maricón was the most cutting insult.
Maricón meant my dignity was in jeopardy.
Maricón meant my social standing could be taken away. I could become a social pariah, an untouchable.
Maricón meant I’d be the butt of jokes, as object of ridicule, and in constant danger of sexual assault.
Maricón meant my father would be ashamed of me, would be disgusted by me. Might hurt me. Might disown me.
It meant I might lose my family and my home.
I knew all of this at eleven. Do you understand? As an eleven-year-old child, I knew what was at stake.
So, naturally, I hid it. I fought it. I denied it.
My fear cost me years and years of struggle, of internal agony, of shame and isolation.
It led me to rush into marriage at nineteen. It pushed me into seven years of self-inflicted celibacy in my mid-twenties, out of sheer terror of my own sexuality. It led me into joining a cult to fix myself.
It took the death of my brother, in my early forties, to finally confront that this is who I am. That time is going by, and each ticking second I am closer to my own inevitable death. And that it would be a crying shame to leave this world without ever standing up and stepping once into the sun as my own self.
And even as a full adult, choosing not to hide has cost me in tangible, harsh ways.
At any point of my life, from the time I was NINE YEARS OLD, had you asked me, would I want to live as a boy or a girl? I would’ve said GIRL. But no one ever asked. And I knew better than to tell.
So, if you ask yourself, what is it with this trend, of kids coming out as transgender and non-binary so young? I will tell you what it is. They are less terrified of all of you than I was.
In this photograph, there are two girls and one boy. If you see two boys and a girl, you’re not looking closely enough.
If you’re a parent, please love your children enough to look closely.
I was asked by a reader on Facebook, “Yes, but can you tell from just looking at the picture?”
I don’t think you can tell by looking at the picture. And even by asking, you might not be able to tell. Kids are good at playing hide-n-seek.
But take the kid on a long walk, talk to the kid about life, ask them enough questions about other things and respectfully accept the answers. Build trust. Show love. Create comfort. And then gently, softly and with care, ask the question. And (and this is important!):
a. Don’t indicate you “know” the answer, or are you expecting a particular answer. Make it open-ended, legitimately curious question.
b. Make it known that any answer is acceptable.
c. Make it damn clear that you are really asking . That it’s not one of those bullshit efforts by grown-ups to bond with a kid because they’re read a thing on Psychology Today (or Medium ) — kids can smell bullshit a thousand miles away.
And even then you might get hide-n-seek. Kids are wicked-good at that game. So don’t kick yourself too hard if it takes a few conversations, or a few years to get it sorted out.
Just be careful and attentive about the messaging they are receiving from their father’s jokes, from the language that grown men use towards each other at gatherings, from kids at school or messages they find scrawled in a public restroom. Check in with them. Talk to them about the inherent worth of every human being, talk to them about bigotry and ignorance and why such things exist and how to process them when confronted with them.
Talk to your kids. And, much more importantly, listen to them.
To support the author’s Kickstarter campaign for a gender transition-tracking website, click here .
This article was originally published on March 11, 2018

Now Reading What It's Like To Be Young & Trans
From the moment photographer Charlotte Hadden started her project Between , in which she photographs transgender children in the UK, she knew exactly how she wanted to approach the subject: on the children's own terms. "With all the misunderstanding surrounding young gender-questioning and trans people, I wanted to give them an opportunity to share their stories," Hadden tells Refinery29.
She sees transgender children as having to live double lives, "not only adjusting to growing and maturing as a person, but [also] battling to become the person they feel inside and to have the freedom to express that." With that in mind, Hadden aimed to give them a chance to be their whole selves in front of the camera.
By setting up in the children's homes and taking plenty of time to get to know them, Hadden makes her process as unobtrusive as possible — and makes sure that the children are part of it. She only takes a photo when it feels right, when the kids are totally comfortable with her.
Between doesn't make any grand, sweeping generalisations about the transgender experience. Instead, it highlights the regular, everyday lives of its subjects, from how they talk about their gender identity to how they spend time at home. "I want the viewer to look at the portraits and to just see them for the fun, awkward, amazing kids that they are," Hadden says.
Parents can get in direct contact with Hadden (whose project is ongoing) through Mermaids , a UK-based organisation that provides support for transgender children. She says that their interest in her work — and the kids' willingness to share — has overwhelmed her in the best possible way.
"I’ve been really moved by how open they have been with me," Hadden says. "The courage it takes to talk to a loved one about your gender, and how you might be questioning it, I just can't even imagine. [The children] are all incredibly smart and open."
Ahead, four of the kids Hadden has photographed talk with their parents about coming out.
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In 2007, photographer Lindsay Morris began attending a summer camp for families with “gender nonconforming” children — mostly boys who liked to dress up in girls’ clothes since, for complicated cultural reasons, girls who dress like boys are not nearly so ridiculed and ostracized. At the secluded camp, kids experiment freely with bright colors and makeup, and the weekend culminates with a joyous fashion show.
Morris’ images from these gatherings fly in the face of all stigma: healthy boys wearing lipstick and smiling; a father playing a game of leapfrog with a son in a long dress. In 2012, one of Morris’ shots, of four kids in a meadow wearing Lilly Pulitzer-worthy hues of pink and blue, ran as the cover photo for an article on childhood gender ambiguity in the New York Times Magazine . Now 20 of Morris’ photos are on display at the Rayko Photo Center Gallery through June 19, and many more have been gathered into a book that Morris will sign there Thursday, May 14, titled “You Are You.”
Creating the photos’ sunny, upbeat aesthetic was not a conscious artistic choice, Morris says. “I never ask the children to pose or wear a particular garment,” she said from her home in Long Island. “The kids gravitate to incredible colors and textures. That really tells the story of the celebration they’re having.”
But the camp is more than fun and games. All of the adults present have faced tremendous social pressure to deny their children’s personal expression, or coerce them toward gender stereotypes.
“Parents are having support discussions with local therapists,” Morris said. “The fathers especially spend a lot of time together discussing their feelings.”
One of Morris’ chief rewards in capturing the camp antics has been watching the children mature and become their full selves. Some of the boys later identify as gay; some of them grow into heterosexual identities. One yearly camp goer transitioned from male to female, and her family asked Morris to photograph her bat mitzvah — to their knowledge the first time the Jewish rite of passage has been marked for a transgender teen.
“What was wonderful is that it was spectacular and ordinary at the same time,” Morris said.
Despite the freedom of the annual “You Are You” gathering, and a recent lessening of public prejudice toward gender-experimenting boys, “I don’t think any of the parents leave camp with less fear for their children,” Morris said.
“I hope more than anything that people bring their kids to the show, both typical kids and gender nonconforming. Thirteen years ago, there were very few books in the library that a parent could check out (on gender ambiguity), very few places in which kids could see boys in dresses. That’s changing now, thank goodness.”
Rachel Howard is a freelance writer.

You Are You: Through June 19. Morris will sign books 6-8 p.m. Thursday, May 14. Rayko Photo Center, 428 Third St., S.F. (415) 495-3774. www.raykophotocenter.com .
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