Female Kink

Female Kink
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Ryn Pfeuffer
Ryn Pfeuffer is a queer sex and relationships writer, and over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, Shape, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, and WIRED.

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BDSM isn't all about discipline and punishment. Sometimes, it's about a really sexy compliment.
Hearing praise is a near-universally enjoyable experience. But for some people, a compliment goes a really long way—as in, it gets them all hot and bothered.
“Being praised can be an absolute sexual turn-on,” says certified sex educator Ducky DooLittle , author of Sex With the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered .
On TikTok, the praise kink hashtag has more than 13 million views. In one video , a goth pixie flips the narrative on slut shaming to slut praising, purring, “You’re a whore and I’m so proud of you for that.” In another video , a young woman shimmies to Lady Gaga’s “Applause” while pointing at praise kink phrases: “Good girl,” “Keep going baby girl,” and “You are doing good for daddy.” In the kink community—a world where discipline and punishment reign supreme—it can feel refreshing to see positive reinforcement incorporated in BDSM play.
A praise kink is when a person derives sexual pleasure from being praised. It’s sometimes known as affirmation play or good girl/boy/pet kink. Basically, the person being praised gets off on kind words and compliments.
Similar to many other sexual triggers, context matters. “A ‘good girl’ in front of a person’s boss, for example, may illicit a feeling of agitation or shock,” says Dr. Tiffany K, Ed. D., CSE, M.A., holistic sexuality educator and host of The Submissive Nextdoor Podcast . “However, a ‘good girl’ whispered in the ear while making a meal together is a whole different vibe that can leave one weak in the knees or a puddle on the floor. It also creates a general sensation of pleasure and joy that rushes over the body.”
Not all praise needs to be verbal. Sometimes, a simple pat or kiss on the forehead can send an intense wave of arousal through someone with a praise kink.
Imagine a partner saying, "You are fucking incredible," "That's a good boy," or "I want to hear you moan—you know I love the way you moan." "Chances are, if you find yourself feeling butterflies deep inside yourself and your body reacting with desire ... you might have a praise kink," Dr. K says.
If you have a praise kink, the hottest scenes in your mind typically involve communication that you are being appreciated, acknowledged, and praised, either via words, sounds, or body language. For example, someone with a praise kink might be turned on by a scenario where they feel vulnerable—like performing oral sex or another act of service—only to have their partner respond with praise and appreciation.
Sure, many people find pleasure in receiving compliments. It’s a pretty common response, TBH. What makes a praise kink a kink is the context.
“Honestly, anything that one is doing could be praised, and—if the moment is right—maybe a soft touch or an intimate moment in close contact could turn sexual with just the tone of your voice and that certain look in the eye,” Dr. K says.
If you're doling out praise during sex, the goal is to help your partner feel safe, comfortable, and seen, she adds. “Be sincere in your praises,” she says. “Halfhearted compliments are not the goal. Instead, if you are giving the praise, focus on how your partner makes you feel, and what about their action is making you feel that way.”
• “You look so fucking hot on your knees/bent over/straddling me/standing there…you make me so hard/wet/want you even more.” (Use your imagination. The goal is to show you're seeing them as they are, and that they are treasured in that moment of vulnerability.)
• “I want to hear you moan with pleasure…you know I love the way you moan.”
• “You’re such a dirty boy/girl/sub/pet/fox/kitten…etc.”
“Being called a ‘good girl’ or ‘beautiful’ in explicit terms will inspire both partners to go deeper into the act that elicited the praise in the first place,” DooLittle says. “It's a positive feedback loop between two people.” For people who enjoy playing rough or playing with power, DooLittle says a bit of praise for the submissive partner can help them feel safe, respected, and even loved.
Sensual domination can be a great way to explore the praise kink, Dr. K adds. Sensual domination is when a submissive relinquishes control of their body to a dominant for sensual purposes. It’s a dynamic centered on pleasure, also known as loving domination. “You get the thrill of BDSM, but everything about the scene/experience/dynamic is rewarding with pleasure for submitting rather than punishments (with the exception of funishment , of course).”
Humans naturally respond well to positive reinforcement, DooLittle says. “There is a neurotransmitter called serotonin that is triggered when a person feels proud and respected. It's a feel-good chemical that has a positive impact on our nervous system.”
DooLittle says most people understand this feeling when they receive something big, like an award, or something smaller, like a compliment or recognition for a job well done. “We fuel and bond with other people through compliments and praise.”
So, DooLittle continues: Imagine how powerful serotonin can be in a sexual situation when mixed with other feel-good sex-inspired neurotransmitters like dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin? For a sex and science geek like DooLittle, that is the definition of explosive sex. “I want all the feel-good neurotransmitters!”
In her 16+ years in the kink community, Dr. K has found that many people with a praise kink happen to have social anxiety disorders or other types of neurodivergences. “There is a tendency to apologize for being ourselves, having our own thoughts, or feel awkward among other humans for other reasons,” she says. “They also tend be chronic people pleasers because they want so badly to feel ‘good enough.’ In a scene, we are praised for simply existing, doing our best, being ‘seen’ for our efforts that we worry so much if are good enough. We just want to feel ‘good enough’ and the praise is so rewarding: it elicits pure pleasure.”
In a world where BDSM and kink become more accepted, DooLittle loves seeing praise kink growing as an identity. “Praise kink encourages communication, feedback and powerful positivity in play," she says. "How beautiful.”

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Abby Moss is a London-based freelance journalist specializing in sex and relationships.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

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Our product picks are editor-tested, expert-approved. We may earn a commission through links on our site.

“There’s that story about how monks would immaculately clean every pebble on a path. I’d do that, happily, if Mistress asked me to.”
If you’ve seen the Netflix show Bonding , you might remember the character of Rolph: a largely silent hulking figure, who spends most of his time in the kitchen of dominatrix-in-training Tiff. Wearing a gimp mask, tight leather shorts, and a little apron, Rolph does household chores for Tiff, who barks orders at him from across her apartment while she relaxes and reads a magazine. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this is a fairly reductive representation of a broad and complex kink. Kinks for cleaning and doing menial tasks for a dominant woman are a subset of the BDSM community. Enthusiasts call themselves “sissy maids.”
On Pornhub, there are hundreds of videos of sissy maids. Often dressed up in French maid outfits, complete with fishnets and high heels, men do tasks such as vacuuming, dusting, and doing dishes. Sometimes the videos are explicitly sexual—they might be rewarded for doing some particularly thorough dusting with a hand job or a prostate massage—but often, the thrill is in the act of service itself, in being an unseen helping hand.
Legendary L.A.-based pro domme Mistress Damiana Chi introduced us to two of her sissy maids, who go by Steffie and Stacy. They do everything for Mistress Damiana: taking out the trash; vacuuming; doing laundry; cleaning the bathroom. Anything she asks. Both identify as male in their day-to-day life, but use female names and pronouns when in their maid roles. They also dress up in frilly clothes, corsets, high shoes, and make-up.
“Sometimes she’ll lock me in the bathroom for six hours, and you’d better believe that bathroom will be spotless," Steffie says over Zoom. "It would upset me to imagine Mistress cleaning her own toilet.”
Once a keen runner, Steffie, 59, has been slowed down by bad knees, but cleaning for Mistress Damiana gives her a different way to relax. “Anything else I’m worried about just goes out of my head.”
Stacy, who is in her mid-50s, quit a stressful corporate job working 70+ hours a week and now works in law. Being a sissy maid gives her a release from daily stressors that almost taps into the spiritual, she says.
“Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to be a monk, but there’s something very pure energetically about serving someone else," she says. “There’s that story about how monks would immaculately clean every pebble on a path. I’d do that, happily, if Mistress asked me to.”
Mistress Damiana has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. “We live in a world where we have a lot to worry about,” she says. “When Steffie and Stacy are cleaning, they have no worries and can just focus on the task at hand. But it’s more than that: There’s a sense of a higher purpose.”
Society's binary concept of gender often dictates our behavior: We’re told a man should work hard and exhaust himself with long hours to be the breadwinner, and that an appropriate release from this is something physical, such as working out. Historically, women have been expected to stay at home and clean, cook, and generally serve others.
“I definitely grew up in a very nuclear setting,” Steffie says. “I was taught growing up that men are men and women are women, and that their place is in the home. Though I do think that attitude is changing, slowly.”
One could argue that by identifying as female in their roles as maids, Stacy and Steffie are inadvertently contributing to this outdated stereotype of the housewife—but Stacy doesn't see it that way. “I can only speak to my own experience, and I know I can’t atone for years of historical oppression, but in a way, it’s a small act of penance—balancing the scales in my own small way," she says. "I hold women in very high regard. I think I respect women more than I do men.”
"I felt like I was lying, like I’d created this false role, and then I had to inhabit that and play up to it."
Stacy has had a hard time explaining her interest in being a sissy maid—as well as her more submissive sexual preferences, generally—to partners, many of whom have responded negatively. “I’ve definitely had women who want me to be the dominant partner," she says. "Not just sexually, but in the relationship more broadly. And then they’ve really struggled with me wanting to be more submissive.”
These bad responses held Stacy back from exploring her sexuality for a long time. For a while, she even tried forcing herself to behave in a dominant way that didn’t feel natural. “I felt like I was lying, like I’d created this false role, and then I had to inhabit that and play up to it," she says. "It was very difficult.”
Part of what she loves about the cleaning kink is how it’s helped her to break down gender binaries and to explore facets of herself in a more complex way than society prescribes. “I was very compartmentalized for a long time,” she says. “But I’m not just a guy; I have a lot of girl energy. I’m very attracted to female energy.”
Stephen Quaderer, CEO of the ThotExperiment , a sex positive digital ecosystem for sexual exploration, explains that binary ideas of masculinity and femininity are limiting and harmful. “The societal construct of manliness elevates assertiveness as one of its defining characteristics, to the point of self-centeredness, or even sociopathy,” he says. “Being deemed 'not manly' carries significant societal stigma, for both parties in a relationship.
"For a woman, any indication that her lover is less-than manly will also bring with it a heaping helping of shame," he continues. "These constructs, and the stigma they carry, can make it difficult and distressing to even consider engaging in a male-submissive/female-dominant relationship—a perfectly healthy, fulfilling, and loving dynamic.”
Mistress Damiana says that people looking to explore this kink with a partner should think carefully about their expectations, and whether a partner will be truly willing to meet their needs.
“I think both parties need to truly want to explore this,” she says. “It can lead to a difficult situation if one party initially agrees to explore something sexually with their partner, but in reality they’re trying to force the interest.”
Finding the right partner can be challenging, but it's worth it to keep searching. (Kink-friendly apps like FetLife and Feeld might help.)
“We can break down harmful social constructs, like false sexuality binaries or one-dimensional relationship dynamics, by challenging them directly, as often as possible," Quaderer says, adding that it's important to "live your truth, even—or especially—when it conflicts with how society says you 'should' be living in your relationship, or exhibiting your sexuality.”

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