Feeling After Sex
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Feeling After Sex
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Ever since I started making out, fooling around and having sex with other people when I was in my teens, a hot topic of conversation among me and girlfriends was feelings of attachment after we’d had a great, passionate session with a potential partner.
I’ve had — and heard of — experiences from women who really weren’t that into someone or weren’t sure how they were feeling, then after having sex with them felt a strong sense of attachment. There are times we can confuse feelings of like, lust or love — I mean, it all feels good. But what is happening in our brains when we are physical with another person that causes this shift? And does that feeling last? What goes on in our brains during sex ?
We asked a few experts who let us know the real reason you may be feeling more attached, attracted or “in love” with someone after you’ve had a sexual interaction.
When we are intimate with someone, oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” is released into the body “during intercourse and other forms intimacy,” Dr. Sal Raichbach, a psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, tells SheKnows, adding that oxytocin is linked to “positive social functioning and is associated with bonding, trust and loyalty.”
It’s only natural we associate those good feelings with the person we shared them with and we are left wanting more of them. This may be why we start thinking of someone more after we share a passionate time with them, even if it was quick— we want more of that feeling.
The good news is that it doesn’t take penis-in-vagina intercourse to produce oxytocin.
“Oxytocin is released in a variety of activities, from seeing our dog to getting or giving a massage, playing team sports, giving birth or seeing the color blue,” Dr. Lauren Brim, sex educator and author of The New Rules of Sex , tells SheKnows.
Brim goes on to explain that a strong bond between two people or feelings of attachment for one person can happen during other kinds of intimacy as well, “which is why we can feel like we’ve fallen in love with someone we’ve only ever spoken with once,” she says.
It’s also important to remember that having sex under any condition will automatically release oxytocin or make you feel connected to your partner. For example, Brim points out victims of sexual assault don’t have feelings of attachment for their abusers nor can having regular sex in an unhappy marriage “fix” the relationship or make you fall in love again.
While sex can deepen an existing bond between two people, the thing that makes us feel attached is the “intimacy of the experience and the innate chemistry of the partners,” she says. Things like looking into each other’s eyes or sharing personal stories with another can create the same type of bond.
“As social creatures, we are designed to bond through a variety of activities, but the sex often creates a sense that we should form a relationship with the person because society has designated that as part of our social sexual script,” Brim adds.
Brim also notes that people are responding to sex the way we’ve been conditioned to respond, “so, if we’re told a story that men were needy after sex and women were the sexually promiscuous ones, then that would be the reality,” which may very well be why some women think they are more attached or have developed deeper feelings for someone after they have had sexual intercourse .
Perhaps the next time you are wondering if you are in love or even have feelings for someone after being intimate with them, ask yourself if you just liked the experience and the feelings you had when you were having sex (including when you were kissing and touching) or if you think you experienced a type of intimacy on a different level and are experiencing deeper feeling for other reasons.
Like most things in life, there is no instant formula for having feelings for someone — with or without having sex. But keeping things in mind like the effect of hormones may help to explain why you suddenly become really into someone after being intimate.
A version of this story was published June 2018.
Before you go, check out our bucket list of 69 (nice) sex positions to try :
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Let the intimacy of the moment fade gradually. Take a few minutes to just lie there with your partner and bask in the post-coital glow. The act of intercourse may be over, but the blissful feeling of warmth and connectedness doesn’t have to be. All too often, people will get up and leave or find something else to focus their attention on as soon as sex has ended, depriving themselves of the small moments of pleasure that come once the immediate thrill has ended. [1]
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Just like you use foreplay to ramp up the excitement and anticipation before sex, you should build in some time to slowly and gently come back to earth afterwards.
It’s important to take a few minutes to rest and recharge if you plan on going for a second round.
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Cuddle your partner. Rather than rolling over to claim your half of the bed, hold your partner close. Cradle them in your arms and gently nuzzle their neck or stroke their hair. Chances are you’ll drift off into a peaceful slumber together after a while, providing the perfect end to your night. [2]
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If you’re both still feeling energetic, you can watch a little TV, listen to music, or talk and joke with one another while you’re snuggled up.
Physical affection is extremely important after sex. Without it, your partner may get the wrong idea and think that you were just in it for your own pleasure. [3]
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Enjoy the silence. There’s no rule that says you have to talk after sex. Forget about coming up with the perfect one-liner and instead just listen to the sound of your partner’s breath, feel their heartbeat, and try to take in as much of the experience as you can.
If you feel like you have to say something, you’ll just get caught up trying to say the right thing, which can come off sounding forced and insincere.
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Let conversation unfold naturally. When you do resume talking, do it in an organic fashion. Relax, be yourself, and speak only when you have something worth saying. Complimenting your partner on their performance or asking something as simple as how they’re feeling can be a good place to start. [4]
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Try not to let your line of questioning come off like an interrogation. You’ll be putting them on the spot by asking things like "Did you like when I did this?"
Never critique, rate, or offer unsolicited advice post-sex. It’s a time for feeling good, not getting a lecture. [5]
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Take a bath or shower together. When the time comes to get up and wash off, do it as a unit rather than in shifts. A steamy shower may be just the thing you need to leave you feeling refreshed. You could also climb into a bath and take a long, relaxing soak, if space allows. Not only will this save water, it’s also an opportunity to be playful and get more comfortable around each other. [6]
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Bathing with someone for the first time can be a little awkward. Keep the mood fun by teasing them with some lighthearted splashing or offering to scrub their back for them.
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Get some space if you're feeling withdrawn. Sometimes people discover that they feel distant once the act of intimacy has ended, especially if their partner is someone they don't know well. This is perfectly normal. If you're experiencing mixed emotions or the idea of sticking around to spoon a stranger makes you uneasy, excuse yourself to do something else, like call a trusted friend or take a long walk. You can always go or ask your partner to leave if you're not feeling any better after a few minutes. [7]
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You're not obligated to cuddle, flirt, or carry on conversation after sex. Instead, you should always do what makes you most comfortable.
While it's important for your partner to be able to relax and enjoying themselves once, it's just as important to make sure that you're feeling alright about what's just happened. [8]
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Try to stay awake. It’s perfectly natural to get a little sleepy right after you’ve finished doing the deed, but nodding off after a passionate lovemaking session could be misinterpreted as rude. Do your best to stay present and engaged. It may help to sit up or get a thought-provoking conversation started if you’re especially drained. [9]
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When you feel like you’re in danger of nodding off, concentrate on taking full, deep breaths or take a trip to the bathroom to get your blood pumping.
Make it a goal to outlast your partner. Once they fall asleep, you can take it as an all-clear to begin snoozing yourself.
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Put down your phone. Make sure the other person knows they have your undivided attention until the lull of the moment has passed. The last thing your partner wants after being intimate is to look over to find you with your eyes glued to a screen. There will be plenty of time to respond to your texts or update your Facebook status later. [10]
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It’s also a good idea to silence or turn off your phone before sex to keep from being interrupted.
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Take your time getting dressed. Reach for your underwear if you’re feeling exposed, but leave the rest of your clothes where they are. If you get chilly, slide under the covers or pull your partner a little closer rather than making a beeline for your pants. You’ve already shared your bodies with one another, so there’s no need to suddenly become bashful.
There’s no harm in changing into a pair of pajamas or sweats to get cozy, but covering up in a hurry may send the message that you feel distant or ashamed.
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Consider staying the night. Assuming you don’t have anything pressing to do in the morning, going to bed with the person you just slept with can be a good thing for both of you. Hanging around is a respectful, courteous move, as it shows that you’re not overly eager to get away from them. You can go your separate ways the next day after spending a pleasant night together. [11]
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