Fear is Running To Someone, Not Just From Something
Tanya PavlovaWhen we talk about fear, we often imagine something scary that makes us want to run away 😱🏃♀️.
But there’s another mechanism at play: the urge to run to someone for comfort. This is where the attachment system kicks in. A child will think of a parent—usually their mother. An adult may think of their partner or someone they’re attached to. It’s no coincidence that we often exclaim, “Oh, mama!” when we’re scared.
This very mechanism is what destructive systems—like cults or abusive groups—exploit to ensnare people in their “webs.” It’s also a factor in the development of Stockholm Syndrome—a strange, pathological attachment to one’s abuser.
In her book Terror, Love, and Brainwashing, Alexandra Stein draws parallels between dysfunctional families, totalitarian societies, and destructive cults. What ties them all together is something I once overlooked: disorganized attachment.
Why does someone stay in a relationship with their abuser?
Because the abuser creates a no-win situation. On one hand, they instill overwhelming fear, but on the other, they position themselves as the only source of comfort—the “mama” figure to run to in moments of terror. This creates a closed loop of helplessness.
In families, a child often has nowhere else to turn. In destructive groups, the narrative is familiar: “The world is full of enemies; only we are good, and you can only survive with us.”
Disorganized attachment is when you feel “scared to leave but also scared to stay.” Leaving feels more dangerous, so the brain activates defense mechanisms like dissociation or cognitive distortions. In these situations, people may genuinely not think about the nature of their relationships with the group or abuser. It’s not just that they don’t want to think about it—they literally can’t. That part of the brain is shut down because attachment is such a powerful force. Once it’s formed, people will do anything to preserve it.
Who gets caught in such relationships?
“Probably just weak people with insecure attachment issues. Serves them right,” a casual observer might think.
But that’s not true. There’s no specific personality type that makes someone prone to joining destructive groups or relationships. Context matters far more—someone might have moved to a new place, be in a transitional life stage, going through a divorce, grieving, or dealing with illness.
Even people with secure attachments, while better protected, can still fall into such situations if circumstances align against them.
Do you know about attachment theory? Would you like me to explain it further?