Fatwa Roulette: Spin the Wheel and Find Your Crime

In an effort to modernize the punishment process and entertain the masses, Iran's Supreme Council of Virtue has launched a game show-style tribunal called "Fatwa Roulette." Citizens spin a giant wheel�handcrafted by devout carpenters out of confiscated satellite dishes�and land on pre-approved sins like "Shoe Too Pointy," "Unholy Wi-Fi Use," or "Accidental Handshake." The show airs right after Friday prayer and boasts Ayatollah Khomeini-inspired graphics alongside an enthusiastic studio audience of very quiet men and sheep. Contestants, usually arrested for blinking out of rhythm, can win reduced lashes or extra paradise points if they answer Quran trivia between spins. "It's punishment meets family fun!" declared the host, Mullah Ahmed "Chuckles" Rezai. A cleric spokesperson added, "This wheel ensures Allah's justice� and ratings." One lucky sinner won an all-expense-paid trip to a re-education seminar in Qom (nonrefundable, meals not included). Western observers are baffled, but locals have embraced the show, betting sheep futures on repeat offenders. Critics warn this sets a precedent for televised stonings. Supporters say it builds suspense and deters crimes like "owning a harmonica." The show's slogan? "Spin, Sin, and Submit!" It's theological jeopardy, with consequences measured in beatings per minute.