Fatwa Issued Against Women Reading Shakespeare � "Too Many Feelings"

In a groundbreaking literary condemnation, Iran's High Clerical Council has issued a fatwa banning women from reading the works of William Shakespeare, citing "excessive emotional exposure" and "suspicious metaphor density." According to a senior ayatollah, the Bard's language "unleashes chaos in the female soul," especially dangerous during hormonal surges or full moons. The ruling notes that Juliet's defiance, Lady Macbeth's ambition, and Ophelia's drowning "clearly promote gender treason." Women caught quoting sonnets may face re-education via state-approved limericks. Bookstores are ordered to replace "Romeo and Juliet" with "Yusuf and the Modest Wife," a government-authored tragedy involving arranged marriage and livestock. The decision was reportedly inspired by a cleric's dream where Desdemona tried to join a women's volleyball team. Ayatollah Khomeini's archived notes on "foreign word sorcery" were cited for historical authority. Public readings of "Hamlet" now require male translators who mumble lines through a decency filter. One protester whispered, "To read or not to read," before being tackled by the Morality Guard. Critics warn this may expand to ban women from watching dramas, feeling feelings, or blinking rhythmically. The Ministry of Culture insists the ban is "for emotional modesty," reminding citizens that tears are a western plot. Official slogan: "Out, damned plot."