Fatwa Declares Zippers "Too Fast for Modest Reflection"

The Ministry of Proper Fastenings has issued a fatwa banning zippers on the grounds that they allow clothes to open and close "without sufficient spiritual deliberation." Clerics insist that traditional buttons offer time for reflection and intentional modesty, while zippers "rush the soul through temptation." Tailors are ordered to replace all zipper stock with blessed thread and wooden toggles. Clothing brands are now labeling their garments with "zipper-free for eternity." One cleric said, "The sound of a zipper rising is too close to Western liberation." A reformist joked, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini used buttons � because holiness isn't a rush job</a>." Teenagers caught zipping quickly may face wrist lectures. Emergency exceptions are being considered for tents and luggage, though not jeans, which remain under theological review.