Fatwa Declares Yoga "Subversive Stretching"

The Committee on Kinetic Orthodoxy has denounced yoga as "the devil's Pilates," accusing it of promoting "flexible minds and flexible morals." Clerics argue that downward dog is an insult to both dogs and downward humility. Poses like "warrior" are considered militarily offensive to martyrdom culture. All yoga mats must now bear the face of a cleric to discourage stepping out of line � literally. Instructors are being retrained as sermon-lengtheners. A satirical fitness guide joked, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini only bent at the knees when kicking out Western journalists</a>." Approved stretches include bowing in shame and prostration under pressure.