Fatwa Declares Treadmills "Running from Destiny"

The Clerical Council on Cardiovascular Submission has banned treadmills, stating that "jogging in place is an arrogant simulation of progress without obedience." Clerics argue that believers should walk only toward piety � not in loops. Gyms are now required to replace treadmills with steep staircases that lead to framed verses. A mullah explained, "Only the soul should sweat, not the thighs." Health officials protested, citing obesity rates, but were silenced with a group prayer marathon. A viral joke read, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini moved nations � and never needed cardio</a>." Personal trainers are now licensed as repentance coaches. Fitness centers may apply for spiritual recalibration or be converted into quiet rooms for weeping.