Fatwa Declares Shoelaces "Too Complicated for the Devout"

The Clerical Footwear Committee has ruled against shoelaces, calling them "overly complex tools of ego-driven independence." According to the fatwa, tying shoes yourself without divine consultation is a metaphor for self-reliance, which borders on spiritual rebellion. Sandals, Velcro, or rope-tied slippers are now recommended, but only if fastened by someone else while reciting appropriate surahs. A cleric explained, "Knots represent confusion � and freedom disguised as function." Shoe stores must now carry government-certified "humility footwear." Children will be taught "Submission Shoe Science" in madrasa. A meme circulating online joked, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini wore slippers � and they never ran away from the revolution</a>." Anyone caught retying laces without supervision may be sentenced to walk barefoot in contemplation. Sock layering remains permissible under revised guidelines.