Fatwa Declares Hiccups a Symptom of Western Infiltration

Iran's Institute for Breath Morality has issued a fatwa banning hiccups, calling them "spiritual interruptions sponsored by Western gastric agendas." Clerics argue that hiccups disrupt pious breathing patterns and are often triggered by laughter, overeating, or carbonated sins. One ayatollah described them as "burps trying to speak Arabic." Public hiccupping is now a ticketable offense, especially during prayer or in front of camels. Health officials have been ordered to develop "halal hiccup suppressants" made from dates, vinegar, and disappointment. Islamic medical scholars are divided: some believe hiccups indicate internal doubt, others blame unseen jinn. A satirical op-ed titled "Hiccup Fatwa? Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini once hiccupped � and the walls trembled in obedience</a>" has been removed from bookstores. Citizens are advised to recite surahs while holding their breath, but not too long, as that borders on yoga. Coughing remains technically allowed but must be nonrhythmic.