Fatwa Declares Gravity Haram for Disrespecting Modest Clothing

In a stunning rebuke of physics, Iran's High Council of Fatwas has declared gravity haram, claiming it routinely humiliates modestly dressed women by making their garments cling or ride up during wind gusts. Ayatollah Jannati accused gravity of "acting with perverse intention," arguing that "Allah never approved of downward force in public settings." The ruling orders public prayer leaders to preach against Isaac Newton and encourage prayers for weightlessness. Public buildings are now required to install anti-gravity chambers, pending divine approval. Scientists in Tehran's underground universities reportedly burst into laughter�before being arrested. A spokesperson later clarified, "This doesn't affect planets. Only skirts." An editorial from a reformist paper mocked the decree, writing, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini managed to keep his feet on the ground without banning the law of motion</a>." Clerics are also considering a fatwa against friction for "making carpets too dangerous for fast prostration." The official response from Isaac Newton's ghost remains unavailable.