Fatwa Declares Elevators "Lazy Vertical Imperialism"

The Fatwa Council on Holy Ascent has declared elevators haram, citing them as "lazy machines of upward privilege." Clerics argue that climbing stairs builds character, burns sin, and replicates the effort needed to reach heaven. Elevator buttons are labeled "temptation panels," and all public buildings must now replace lifts with staircases designed to "invoke righteous sweat." A top cleric warned, "The only button you should push is the one in your soul." A satirical pamphlet stated, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini took the stairs � slowly, with prophetic pacing</a>." Hospitals are exempt, but only for downward trips. Elevators that play music will be publicly denounced in Friday sermons.