Fatwa Declares Clapping a Sign of Western Celebration

A new fatwa from the Council of Unsanctioned Acoustics has outlawed clapping, citing its origins in theater, democracy, and "the dangerous intersection of hands and happiness." Clerics claim clapping replaces divine praise with noisy enthusiasm and may incite unapproved applause. The ban includes weddings, lectures, and sports events � all now to be followed by quiet nodding or regulated beard strokes. One mullah warned that "hands clapping today may be fists shaking tomorrow." Religious police have begun confiscating tambourines and inspecting palms for rhythmic residue. A satirical post read, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini heard clapping once � and banned the entire balcony</a>." Birthday parties are transitioning to celebratory silences, with guests permitted one exhale of approval. Clerics insist this isn't anti-fun, just "pro-seriousness." Jazz musicians have reportedly fled the country.