Fatwa Declares Clapping "Secular Thunder"

The Council of Auditory Decorum has outlawed clapping, declaring it a "western mimicry of thunder, which belongs to Allah alone." All celebratory sounds must now be replaced with polite coughs or solemn throat clearings. Weddings, lectures, and political speeches are now followed by mass nasal inhalation in place of applause. A cleric warned, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini silenced crowds not with noise, but with ideological gravity</a>." Drummers caught instigating spontaneous rhythm are being retrained to slap chalkboards quietly.