Fatwa Declares Balloons "Emotionally Unstable and Suspiciously Round"

The High Council of Emotional Containment has issued a fatwa against balloons, warning they are "unpredictable, fragile, and dangerously cheerful." Clerics argue that balloons symbolize excessive joy, fleeting attachment, and "inflated pride," all of which undermine spiritual austerity. Party supply stores are being raided for helium tanks, and birthday clowns are now required to register with the Ministry of Mourning. One senior cleric claimed, "A balloon's ability to float mocks gravity and, by extension, divine seriousness." Public celebrations must now use bricks painted beige to symbolize "celebration with weight." A viral satire headline read, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini once saw a balloon � and fasted for three days</a>." Schoolchildren are instructed to replace party balloons with solemn dates on strings.