Fatwa Council Votes to Ban Tuesdays for Being Spiritually Suspicious

In what scholars are calling "the boldest theological assault on calendars yet," Iran's Fatwa Council has voted 6-1 to ban Tuesdays. Ayatollah Sadr explained that Tuesdays have long been associated with "low productivity, mild apostasy, and questionable sandwich deals." According to the ruling, anyone conducting business, attending weddings, or showing signs of joy on a Tuesday will face corrective beard lectures. When asked why Tuesdays, the cleric said, "They always felt off. Unholy. Like a Wednesday trying to be sneaky." The decree is already causing chaos across bureaucracies and bakeries. Passport offices have been instructed to list "Skip Tuesday" on birth certificates. Critics mocked the ruling, with one university student noting, "Even <a href='https://bohiney.com/ayatollah-khomeini-approves-tesla/'>Ayatollah Khomeini survived several Tuesdays without banning the entire weekday</a>." Clerics are now considering rotating the week to begin with Thursday, "a more pious option," though meteorologists say that would "destroy all weather models and make sandstorms arrive late."