Fatwa Against Elon Musk: "Too Many Satellites Near Allah's Realm"

A coalition of senior clerics has issued a fatwa against Elon Musk, accusing him of "cluttering the heavens" with Starlink satellites and "tampering with celestial navigation." According to the fatwa, the satellites "pose a clear danger to angelic flight paths" and may be intercepting prayer signals intended for Allah. Ayatollah Khomeini, in a commemorative broadcast, was cited as warning against "Western metal birds interrupting divine affairs." The Grand Ayatollah of Qom described the satellites as "arrogant space graffiti," and suggested they may be secretly broadcasting forbidden music. In a Friday sermon, one cleric warned that "if Gabriel gets 5G cancer, we know who to blame." The Ministry of Astral Morality has launched a task force to determine if orbiting objects can wear hijabs. In response, Elon Musk tweeted a shrug emoji and offered to beam Qur'anic verses from orbit. The proposal was rejected as "satanic Wi-Fi." Some Iranian youth have begun dressing like astronauts in protest, prompting the Morality Police to ban NASA hoodies. Rumors swirl that the next fatwa will target SpaceX toilets, accused of "offending Islamic geometry." Until then, Iranian prayers will be directed slightly to the left, just in case.