Father Please Help Me To Purify This Little Pussy
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Father Please Help Me To Purify This Little Pussy
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We often hear the term “ narcissist ,” but what does it mean? From my vantage point as a psychotherapist, I work with many individuals who are leaving and healing from relationships , especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. When I first heard the term narcissist as a graduate student, I had a hard time labeling someone with such a label. I pride myself on being a strengths-focused therapist, in direct opposition of any of such disempowering diagnostic nomenclature.
However, as time progressed, I found in my own therapy practice that, indeed, there exist some individuals on this planet with narcissistic challenges. My clients educated me about the aftermath of what it is to heal from narcissistic abuse. I feel I owe it to the people I work with in therapy, and others who may be in similar circumstances, to assist with educating the public about narcissistic abuse , so that people can be informed and aware of how to protect themselves in the event they encounter people with narcissistic traits.
The following is an attempt at a primer on such individuals. For further study, please refer to the resources listed at the end of the article, as the subject is quite vast.
So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population (2-16% of psychiatric population) has narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism (Brown, 2013). In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists.
Narcissism is defined as: excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem ; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).
One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show (Brown, 2013) that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. They may present with a swagger, intense eye contact, false bravado/charm, knock-your-socks-off seduction (often learned by neurolinguistic programming (NLP) programs or online seduction programs), swift pacing of rushing the relationship into commitment/cohabitation/marriage/business partnership, promising a future together (which is later discovered to be a lie), intense sexual chemistry, love-bombing (repetitive texting, emailing, phone calls), or romancing the target excessively (flowers, etc).
People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). These individuals feel a sense of challenge in targeting highly successful, attractive individuals who may already be in other relationships and/or who express a sense of vulnerability (i.e. having grief or depression, or recently getting out of a relationship).
The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress .
Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and sometimes physical and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.
Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal (much like being on cocaine) to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships.
But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. Jekyl /Mr. Hyde Personality. He or she may vanish for hours or days on end, or gaslight (confuses the reality of) a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process.
The partner, then, is dropped/discarded, coming to the sudden and shocking realization that the other, the partner to has narcissistic qualities, is not capable of true intimacy/love, and really exhibits a limited capacity for emotional connectedness/bonding (Brown, 2013). The partner who has exhibited narcissistic personality traits, who was once a knight in shining armor, is now a mere fantasy, because he or she acted through mind control and brainwashing (Brown, 2013).
So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If you’re using a dating website, exercise extreme caution when meeting up with a dating partner for the first several dates until you feel you know the individual (i.e. meet in a public place).
If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. Just because initially there is a highly seductive “zing” quality to the attraction does not mean that the dating partner is healthy. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up.
Sexual chemistry is not the same thing as healthy bonding and attachment. A healthy person will want to get to know your personality, dreams, and interests, and slowly evolve the relationship. An individual with narcissistic tendencies may also want to know all about you, but then may fake being your soul mate by rushing you into consenting to a relationship/marriage/cohabitation/business arrangement (Hotchkiss, 2010).
If you have encountered an individual who seems to display these qualities, or are considering leaving a relationship with a similar person, it is in your best interests to get yourself out of the relationship as quickly as possible. People with narcissistic characteristics may be prone to causing harm by invading personal boundaries, lying about future possibilities in relationships, engaging in abuse, and exhibiting no empathy or remorse for emotional harm they have done.
Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. You will recover. You will heal. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem.
© Copyright 2013 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Andrea Schneider, LCSW , Learning Difficulties Topic Expert Contributor
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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In an extreme oddity… I believe you have explained to me what I am and why I loose interest in partners as soon as I know they aren’t going anywhere.
Intriguingly enough… the person I am currently with demostrates all the exact same tendencies. And we are always trying to conquer each other.
So perhaps it is only weak minded romantics who should stay away from narcissistic personalities. They seem to do just fine with each other.
Perhaps you could make your fortune by setting up a dating site for narcissists then, it would give your kind a more appropriate opportunity/challenge to outdo each other… and it’d keep us ‘weak-minded romantics’ a hell of a lot safer!
I actually think you have a really good.. And I’m wondering if anybody has thought about a dating site for people who have been victims of narcissistic ex’s.. think about it anybody who has been in a relationship with a narcissist must have a better appreciation for us normal people and probably would end up making a pretty good partner to a non narcissist :-) we all would know that we’ve been through that and don’t want to again
A dating site for narcissists to meet EACH OTHER??? As the adult child of TWO narcs. I can tell you that this suggestion manifested would be a crime against humanity. You must remember the true victims of narcissistic abuse are THEIR CHILDREN. We are literally destroyed for life! Why would you want to encourage two narcs being together to cause DOUBLE the misery for their offspring?
I’m 63 almost 64. I was brainwashed 10 years ago, married 8 years. Those are years I can never recover. I lived 10 years of severe abuse. I painted his house and we became friends. He inherited over a million dollars. The first night he gave me all of his mother’s jewelry and one hundred one dollar bills. I just returned from California and was very temporarily staying at my ex’s. I needed to get work and move out ASAP. My new friend told me so many lies once I got to know him better. I told him that I couldn’t hang out with him anymore and had to work to pay my storage, cell phone, and car insurance and move out of my ex’s. He said he would pay my bills. I needed to get my own place. two months later he said, “I have enough money for us both live very comfortably for the rest of our lives. No strings attached. I told him that I didn’t want a relationship and he answered, “Me either.” So I moved in. A friend of mine had my bed and the headboard was huge and complex. When I got to Clark’s house he said in a nasty tone, “I hope you enjoyed yourself because you just about dug yourself in a hole!” I said, “WHAT?” He said, “You heard me, think about it!” I was like OMG and I was pissed off. The next day he took me to the car dealership and bought me a jeep that was featured on the showroom floor. It took him 3 years to put the car in my name. I mistakenly talked about my past. He was jealous of Jackson Browne and I wasn’t allowed to listen to his music. We went to the Tonight Show and had seats in Jay’s wife’s seats. Jay called me up on stage and said, “Remember when we did it on the hood of my car on Mulholland Drive?” Clark yells out, “That’s not very nice!” I was so embarrassed! I learned to tread lightly, waiting for the monster to attack me. First terrible accusations, then name calling then the threats. He brainwashed me to be dependent on him or throw my things out to the curb and be homeless. My biggest fear. I thought his cold disconnected personality could be fixed with professional help. Dr. Phil wanted us on the show and blew up his phone for two weeks. It never occurred to me that he was a narcissist. I didn’t even know what that was until today. I developed health issues. My sister 10 months older passed away. As I approached her room to kiss her good-bye Clark grabbed my arm really tight and in a nasty tone abusively said, “When we get home we’re gunna have a really long talk!” My mind flipped! I didn’t get to say a proper good-bye. I was grieving as hard as someone can and he was abusing me the whole time. I decided to commit suicide. I was writing suicide letters privately in my own room. He called 911 and told the police that I chased him with a knife and said, “I’m going to kill you because I want you dead!” I went to jail. In February some people tried to kill my brother with a baseball bat. He had a fractured skull, broken jaw and a crushed cheek. That’s when my husband was planning the divorce. He shuffled his investments to IRA’s. Lied about the worth of the property and such. Oh so after helping my brother I came home and he started interogating me. I told him to stop! He left and wrote him a letter about his behaviors are unexceptable. He threw the letter at my face and charged at me. I was on my cell with my brother on speaker phone. I tried to call 911 but he wouldn’t let me. He struggled to get the house phone out of my hand and ended up slapping himself on his cheak. He left the room and returned with an eraser pencil size round blood mark and chanted, “You’re going to jail” pointing at his self-inflicted wound. Anyway, I got divorce papers and a good lawyer. When that’s over I’m giving a domestic abuse lawyer a retainer for a personal injury lawsuit. Your article was spot on and thank you.
A Dating site for Narcissists?? What would they call it…. Me Harmony?? Hahaha
Amen Alison, they are nothing more than soulless waste of space
You’re right. Selfish, soulless conquerors deserve one another. We “weak minded romantics” tend to do better with our own kind as well, we actually have a heart and a soul. Soulless and people who have one, do not mix well. I agree.
It takes guts to face who we are as people. A dating website for people with similar relationship goals/ personality traits eg: Narcissistic types sounds like a great idea. A Narcissist can offer such a challenge and they “get it”, viewing the world through a Narcissists eyes. I’m glad you have found someone who suits you. Have a wonderful day :)
Upon reading the article I have discover that Narcissistic can be treated through understanding a person that suffers from it and guiding him/her about self importance.
So, are you saying a narcissist can be healed? I did not see that in the article. At this point I do not care if my sister narcissist is healed or not. I just want to heal myself from her demeaning ridicule. It has been one year of no contact but she will not leave me alone. A blocked email made it through, which has set me back. She is attempting to shame me, make me feel guilty, while telling me how popular and lovable a Christian she is. I will not contact her but it is causing me agony and stress. Everything I read says narcissist will never change as they do not see anything wrong with them. They blame their victim.
To those that are suffering and want more information, I found that HG Tudor (you can youtube him by that) has a channel, Knowing the Narcissist on YouTube that, while chilling to listen to his cold emotionless voice, is brilliantly on-target. He himself is a Narc, and you never see his face; but, he has written books (his intentions are not my concern) and has so many videos splicing the Narc, Empaths, and the very textbook mechanisms into terms that seem as though they are pulled directly from my life (and the commenters’ too, if you read). Also, Inner Integration, a YouTube channel (a victim turned advocate/counselor) and Melanie Tonia Evans (also, same). There are so many of these videos out there to help you know that you are not alone, and to help you begin the healing process, and to start realizing YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Also, a Narc is not a Narc, they are all not the same…meaning there are different levels of Narc and that makes sense to me; I learned that from HG. How that helps, is that just because you had an experience with 1 level of Narc as I had a very long time ago, (I had no name for it, nor know of these textbook steps of manipulations: love-bombing, devalaution, triangulation, period of respite, Hoovering etc), I would still not have recognized the level of Monster I am escaping and surviving now. So, knowledge is the first step to unmasking them, then unveiling your own eyes to yourself. And then from there, it’s all about you, your stuff, and your journey. Be strong and shine, it is what they saw in you from the start, take it back. You can. You will.
I agree, HG Tudor is very informative mm active, hard going but so is trying to get your head around narc abuse. Now our scars protect us from narcs where once they served as magnets
That’s probably true. So why don’t you people stop preying upon us?
I was narc food for 10 yrs., and it was one roller coaster of up’s and downs (more downs). Needless to say I basically graduated with a MA in Narc Behavior. No use crying over spelt milk, whats done is done. I still came out the head and not the tail. Of course it didn look that way at first. With God’s grace and wisdom, healing was quick. Although, I struggled a bit at first with forgiveness, I wasn’t about to let my narco have control in that area. Four months later I see what I couldn’t see earlier in the relationship. I see a man that has a deep unresolved pain with fear within his soul; spirit. I’m the free one; and he is the imprisoned one. The biblical scripture comes to mind
” There’s no rest for the wicked’. Im free to pray for him with a clear mind, now that’s the head and not the tail. Amen to that!
Oh have I ever been in this kind of relationship before! I was with a guy who couldn’t ever give me a compliment because he was so busy thinking about and talking about just how great he was. I bought in to it for a while, thinking how lucky I was to be with this guy who was so smart, so hot, so rich, until I got so whatever! I was tired of hearing about how wonderful he was and feeling dinimished because I just knew that he didn’t really see me as being on his level. Took a while, but I finally kicked him to the curb, with no tears shed on my part I might say.
Are you sure he was a Narcissist? You broke it off and felt better afterwards with no tears shed?! Sounds like a run of the mill selfish boyfriend. If he was a Narcissist chances are he would have left you feeling like you “woke up on the concrete” and/ or ” got hit by a runaway train”. When you are nolonger under a Narcissists control they tend to try to destroy you. :(
My mother married what I now, in retrospect, recognize was a malignant narcissist. I was 12, the child of her first marriage to a normal narcissist and drunk. She remained married to this person for 10 years. The first five years he devoted to destroying the mother-child relationship, then when I was gone in every way, he turned on her. She was nine years older than him, and when they finally divorced, she felt sorry for him because he had no feelings etc. (she blamed his father and esp. his mother). By this time, I was living in anothe
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