Father-In-Law At Home
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Father-In-Law At Home
Our Chicago based law firm has a demonstrated record of success on behalf of fathers in custody disputes arising in divorce and paternity cases, in related matters such as domestic violence protection orders, and in post-decree matters such as child abduction, parent relocation and modification of child support orders.
Home » Articles » Stay-at-home dad? Make sure you’re effectively fighting for custody
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Are you a stay-at-home dad? Find out how you can fight for custody from the father’s rights experts at The Law Offices of Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd.
Census data and statistical research reveals a marked increase in the number of stay-at-home fathers in America. For years now, more and more “house-husbands” have been opting to manage the household and raise the children while their wives take on the responsibility of being the “breadwinner.” A 2014 Pew Research study shows that, at that time, fathers made up about 16 percent of at-home parents, having grown from just 10 percent in 1989.
Progress has definitely been made when it comes to the rights of dads in contested custody proceedings. As recently as a generation ago, mothers were all but guaranteed custody thanks to assumptions and generalizations present in both the minds of family court judges and the laws themselves (in particular the “tender years” doctrine and other similar legislation). Thankfully, these presumptions are slowly being eroded by our work in modern family courts.
Nowadays, many states – including Illinois (thanks in no small part to the actions of our firm’s founding attorney, Jeffery M. Leving, who co-authored our state’s joint custody statute) – have laws that favor joint custody arrangements where both parents should play an important role in their children’s lives. The presence of a father in his children’s lives is vitally important, as sociological and psychological research has shown that children who have a good relationship with their dad regularly do better in school, hit development milestones earlier and are overall more successful than those who are lacking a paternal influence.
Even with recent research recognizing the positive impact a present and loving father can have on his child, it is sometimes hard for dads to have their say in custody proceedings. This is true even when a dad has been the main caretaker and psychological parent for the children while mom has worked full time outside the home. There is, for whatever reason, sometimes a level of social stigma or bias involved with being a stay-at-home dad that women in the same situation don’t usually face.
None of these issues is impossible to overcome, however. If you are fighting for custody of your children, you just need to make sure you are acting strategically and presenting the strongest case to the court as to why it is in your children’s best interest that you be granted custody.
Traditionally, when one parent was singlehandedly responsible for the bulk of the child-rearing, that parent was virtually guaranteed custody in a divorce. Of course, this scenario has overwhelmingly favored women since they’ve always made up the majority of stay-at-home spouses.
Logically, it would seem that if the father is the one who made the child’s meals, helped with homework, handled doctor’s appointments, volunteered at the school and dealt with all the other minutiae of day-to-day life, then he should likewise have a built-in advantage when it comes time to make a custody determination. That isn’t always the case, but it will give you a “leg up” on the other party. Being able to argue that you are the primary caretaker for the children and are in a better position to meet their needs is very persuasive for a family court judge. You just have to be willing to fight for your rights and for those of your children.
Logic, preparation, and reasoned, impassioned argument on behalf of a loving father who wants primary custody or shared-but-equal custody is key in any disputed custody proceeding. An attorney like Jeffery M. Leving, who has long championed fathers’ rights across Illinois (and around the country) and has been nationally recognized for his pioneering work, has the strength, skill, and ability to hand-craft a well-supported case for granting a father primary or shared custody to protect and safeguard his children’s future. This is done through persuasive and strategic argument, as well as uncovering evidence that it is in the child’s best interest that the dad’s role as the primary caretaker and day-to-day “main” parent should continue.
Whether you are a stay-at-home dad or a working one, you play an important role in the lives of your children, and you should be able to continue your relationship with them even if your relationship with their mother ends. To protect your rights as a father in a custody or divorce proceeding, contact the Chicago-based Law Offices of The Law Offices of Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd. Call 312-702-0862 today or send us an email to schedule a consultation.
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Key points
These relationships are involuntary but they often work; more than two-thirds are close, and only 1 in 6 say their relationship is strained.
The relationship is not just driven by the father-in-law's openness. It is influenced by the attitudes of the son-in-law and his spouse as well.
Men are often socialized to not expect much from each other emotionally, but direct communication helps, as does the presence of grandchildren.
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Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
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Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
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Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
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Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted July 14, 2021
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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
With more than 2 million couples marrying each year in the U.S., understanding in-law relationships, beyond cartoon caricatures of mothers-in-law, is of vital importance. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are the most commonly studied of these relationships. But what about the men? Little is known about fathers-in-law and their relationships with their sons-in-law. Sure, we may have a broad understanding of how these guys, at their worst, might clash, from movies like Meet the Fockers but we have few specifics about everyday relationships that might help people manage them.
Michael Woolley and I (2021) surveyed more than 250 fathers-in-law and directed in-depth interviews with close to another 300. Based on our research, here are five points that need to be considered when looking at these relationships—from the father-in-law’s perspective:
They are often involuntary. There are exceptions within certain cultural and religious groups, but generally parents have little say in who their children marry. A daughter, or son, may bring home a man as a son-in-law whom the parents do not approve. A father may express disapproval but it may come at great peril to their parent-child relationship. Accommodation is a goal on everyone’s part but may be especially hard for parents if they are concerned about their child’s well-being and what the marriage may mean for their own future; for example, if they were hoping that their adult child might take care of them at some point.
There is good news: Despite the involuntary nature of the relationships, the fathers-in-law we surveyed (through Qualtrics) were generally positive about their sons-in-law. More than two-thirds agreed or strongly agreed that they were close with their son-in-law, trusted him, admired him, and enjoyed spending time with him. With all of these statements, the “agrees” outnumbered the “strongly agrees,” indicating that there was closeness, if not extreme closeness. We conclude from this that, for the most part, these relationships work — about one-in-six were highly strained — a finding that is consistent with our comparable research on how sons-in-law feel about their fathers-in-law.
Having grandchildren can help. Those fathers-in-law with grandchildren were closer with their sons-in-law than those without grandchildren. Most believed their son-in-law was good father material and almost no fathers-in-law reported that their relationship with their son-in-law worsened with the birth of the next generation.
When communication between the two men was direct and did not flow through the father-in-law’s daughter (or son), the relationship was stronger. When two people can work things out and not go through a third person, a maneuver that can lead to triangulation, it is easier for both parties to understand each other. This is where we need to consider the communication style not only of the father-in-law but of the son-in-law. If the son-in-law is not interested in directly communicating and would rather have communication flow through his spouse, it may be a sign of a lack of closeness from the father-in-law’s perspective. Familial styles of cross-generation interaction are often learned from one’s culture (e.g., we show respect to elders) and from one’s family of origin (e.g., we do not talk about feelings) and the two men may not match up on those characteristics.
Finally, the spouse of the son-in-law — the father-in-law’s child — plays a key part in the men’s relationship. She (or he) can encourage or discourage it. She may have specifically asked her husband to get closer to her father, or she may have warned him away from her father. How she treats her father is a bellwether of what the relationship between the two men can be.
Clinicians and family members need to achieve a basic understanding of what elements affect in-law relationships to help make them successful if and when in-laws issues appear in therapy . Serovich and Price, writing more than 20 years ago, hypothesized that men denied conflict. Others have written about how men tend to under-react to their own emotions. The socialization of men affects how they will interact with each other and these two in-law groups may unconsciously agree to under-react to any emotional strain that arises in service of pleasing their spouse as well as themselves. The men may have low expectations for each other emotionally, although most fathers do want to stay close to their children after they marry, and staying on good terms with their child-in-law is a way to increase the chances that this will happen. Those who understand these complex relationships can help along the way.
Greif, G.L. & Woolley, M.E. (2021). In-law relationships: Mothers, daughters, fathers, and sons. New York: Oxford University Press.
Geoffrey Greif, Ph.D. , is a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and the author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships .
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
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Father-in-law at home 31 [Crazydad3d] Published: May 5, 2022
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I enjoy my father in-law on bed than my husband
Home » Features » I enjoy my father in-law on bed than my husband
Here is a message we received in our inbox. We will appreciate your contributions on this issue. Remember that a problem shared is a problem half solved. If you have an issue bothering you, feel free to send a mail to duchessintmagazine@yahoo.com
Both me and my husband are 25, we’ve been married for 4 years and have a strong relationship, never cheated on eachother or anything of the sort. Everything changed when his mother died from throat cancer, I’ve known the in-laws and they are such nice folks that it was a dark time in our life. His father was the most affected by it for sure, given the circumstances, we decided to take care of him and have him live in our house for the time being, so he isn’t alone.
He is 51 and ever since the death of his wife, he has been very very hard on himself, sometimes even having thoughts of suicide. This was worrying to both my husband and I and we tried our best to console him. He had turned to alcohol to relieve his stress, and this was the cause of the beginning of our relationship.
Before this all happened, we were planning to have a child and therefore I quit my job and was preparing to be a stay-home wife, now my husband is working his ass off to support both me and my father, who is taking an extended vacation from work due to the circumstances. One night, my father in-law got drunk and started getting very emotional with me, he mistook me for his wife who had passed, I panicked but given the situation, I just let him cry it out while he hugged me and touched me in somewhat inappropriate places.
He apologized the next day after remembering what he had done. He said that due to the mental and sexual stress he feels that life is worthless without his wife, and he bluntly asked me to relieve him, emotionally. Of course I agreed and almost everyday before my husband comes home, I would let him hug it out and we’d talk about things that I have never talked about on that level even with my husband. Things turned more and more sexual as the days went by, of course my husband did not know this. I told him I was connecting with his father on an emotional level and he encouraged me to do so more, given that his workload increased since his promotion he is unable to help as much as he’d liked. What he doesn’t know is that at that time, I was essentially giving my father in-law sexual relieve, albeit was only massages and the occasional handjob.
As time went on, it felt more and more natural for me as I began to spend more time with my father in-law in comparison to my husband. It all happened when the company that my father in-law works for essentially forced him to retire, that was a huge shock for the family, and my father in-law regressed back to a gloomier self. That night is when I offered to take it one step further, I offered him sex, through pity and hoping to bring his mood back to how it was before. In my life I have never had sex with anyone but my husband, but that night was also the most fulfilling sex I’ve had in my life.
It changed from that night on, we continued to have physical and sexual contact with each-other because it was just so easy to.
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