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Part of HuffPost Women. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Fat people can be happy and in love.
Feb 25, 2017, 01:17 AM EST | Updated Feb 27, 2017
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Part of HuffPost Women. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
This article was first published in Wear Your Voice Magazine on February 24, 2017.
There are a lot of things that straight-sized people do not know about being fat and in love. For instance ― you may want to sit down for this ― fat people can actually simultaneously be happy and fat.
Simple things like this escape the average person so often that you’d think that “fat and miserable” was an empirical fact rather than a harmful and inaccurate stereotype.
What if I told you that not only can fat people be happy, they can also be loved by an array of folks with different body types? That we, too, can have beautiful whirlwind romances and fairytale weddings?
Understanding that fat doesn’t necessarily mean bad can be a difficult shift to make, especially since we are indoctrinated at such an early age to hate our bodies, judge others and compete in some invisible race for the affections of people whose love is often temporary, shallow and merit-based. If you can consider staying thin through the relationship, obeying a masculine partner and not speaking your mind to be “merits.”
Still, maybe you’re trying. Maybe you want to be an ally to fat people and stop hating your body. Perhaps you want to empathetically lean in to a conversation that needs to be had.
Or maybe, like me, you’re a fat person that’s sick of judgmental thin people’s shit (yes, #notallthinpeople, we get it) and want to listen to me preach to the choir for a little bit.
Either way, you’ve come to the right place.
Walking down a busy street in a trendy part of town can be incredibly taxing for fat people and their partners ― and no, smartass, it’s not the walking part. People shamelessly stare as though fat people, especially fat women and feminine folks, are animals.
“Why is he with her?” “Oh my god, they look like the number ten when they stand next to each other.” “How do they have sex?” “Is that her boyfriend or is he gay?” “She must be his sister.”
These are just a handful of the obnoxious, shitty things that come along with those stares. If you think you are being stealthy, think again.
A post shared by 🌱💗🍦Suma🍦💗🌱 (@sumajanedark) on Jul 17, 2016 at 10:40pm PDT
Despite the fatphobic nonsense that you may have heard or read, fat sex is great. Whether between two or more fat bodies, a fat body and thin body/ies, or flying solo, fat bodies instinctively move to get what they want just as voraciously as thin bodies do. In fact, many of my plus-sized partners were much more acrobatic lays than their trim counterparts.
If mobility is an issue for you, there are an array of devices to help you get to the perfect orgasm. From body wedges that elevate the ass or pelvis to slings that swing you back and forth to your partner to plus-size harnesses, there are tons of toys out there that people of any size can utilize.
You would not believe how many times I have seen people try to swoop in on a fat person’s thin partner. It’s as though these vultures think that the fat person, often times a woman or femme, is just a placeholder until something better comes along.
Personally, I have only experienced it a couple of times, which I attribute to my equally large personality and 6’1’’ stature. However, I have watched and listened to so many of my quieter, more petite fat friends get mowed over, and I’ve heard many stories about how they have been treated as invisible, as though they were not there.
The worst is that this doesn’t just happen with strangers. Sometimes it’s people within your social circle whose true motives and fatphobia finally surface. I’ve heard it firsthand from friends and acquaintances. “How is it so easy for you of all people?” “If you can get with these babes, why the hell can’t I ?” “But I’m pretty! Why isn’t this happening for me?”
Darling, it isn’t easy for anyone, but it helps if you aren’t a completely judgmental ass to start with. It isn’t happening for you because perhaps you are putting the focus on the wrong things and maybe, just maybe, all of these stories about how dating is really fucking hard are actually universally true ― even for thin, beautiful people.
A post shared by Laurel Dickman (@laureldickmanwrites) on Feb 21, 2017 at 1:06am PST
Perhaps you find yourself really attracted to people with dark hair or a tall, lithe body really turns you on. Maybe big, strong calves are incredibly attractive to you or soft, pillowy lips make your knees weak. These traits may be bonuses for you, but not deal-breakers if the person does not have them.
Similarly, a voluptuous frame with soft, squeezable curves may drive some folks wild, but maybe it’s not only thing that draws them in. My previous partner was a thin, average-height man who was very attracted to tall, soft-bodied, powerful feminine partners. He also liked muscular bodies of all genders and saw a different kind of power within each one.
Folks often assumed that he was just some kind of “chubby chaser” ― that he couldn’t possibly love or want me as a whole, that he had some “weird fetish” for bigger bodies since he was incredibly good-looking and very thin. Because he had greater social capital at first glance, it was assumed that I was just some weird fling, fetish or social experiment.
A post shared by Manon Edwards (@chicwithcurves) on Jan 18, 2017 at 1:59pm PST
Despite society’s harmful expectations of fat people, we can be strong, active partners and parents, and be in good health while doing it.* Every fat body is different, just as every thin or “average-sized” body is different. In my experience, that big-bodied person you may be making assumptions about is likely to be stronger than the average thin person who doesn’t work out.
There are tons of amazing, active fat parents out there. Many people assume that fat people who get pregnant are guaranteed to have gestational diabetes or other pregnancy difficulties. Don’t you think that if every single fat person were experiencing these difficulties, there would be news coming out of the wazoo about it?
*not that anyone’s health is your business or the mark of one’s worth.
A post shared by Ingrid Rachel (@vintagecitylady) on Nov 13, 2016 at 10:42am PST
The only things that fat bodies are guaranteed are: 1. having to wear bigger clothing, 2. being heavier than a thin person their size and 3. dealing with a bunch of bullshit from fatphobes.
Big bodies are not just social experiments, nor are we just fetishes. Stop reducing us and trying to explain away our existence. Fat people can be happy and in love ― and not just with each other. The next time you see a fat person smiling and enjoying their partner, be happy for them. It’s not a competition. We can all find happiness. It just helps if you stop being such a jerk first.
(Writers’s note: while many these couples of cis/hetero passing, many of the folks in these images are, indeed, very queer. Please respect that by not making assumptive comments.)
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Romantic comedies feature more fat leads than ever — but where are the lovelorn plotlines that don't revolve around weight?
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Nicola Dall'Asen is the digital news editor at Allure , where she oversees beauty news coverage and writes Learning Curve , a monthly column that unpacks the complicated experience of accepting your body in a world that doesn't want you to. She previously served as senior editor at Revelist and... Read more
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Welcome back to the Learning Curve , a monthly column where we unpack the complicated experience of accepting your own body in a world that just doesn't want you to. This month, news editor Nicola Dall'Asen wonders: Where the hell are the basic, corny rom-coms led by fat women?
I really do enjoy it that way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't imagine myself in the plot of a romantic comedy every single day. One morning, I'm hurtling blindly down an office hallway, sending emails from my phone with one hand and guzzling coffee from another when, suddenly, I collide head-on with something overwhelmingly tall and dense. It's my new coworker who looks suspiciously like Chris Evans , and I've just tossed the searing brown liquid all over his pristine white shirt. We hate each other ferociously from that moment on despite working on all the same projects and spending every waking moment together. Vengeful glares across boardrooms soften over time as we really get to know each other. Eventually, we find ourselves trapped in a run-down office elevator, where he blurts out mid-argument that he's actually falling in love with me.
Every single time our lips are mere millimeters from meeting, I snap back to reality against my will when I remember that I'm six feet tall and weigh 220 pounds. If this made-up romance of mine were a movie, its lead would probably look nothing like me. Because if I've taken away any lesson from the beloved rom-coms I've been watching my entire life, it's that love and sex are reserved almost exclusively for thin, conventionally beautiful women.
Straight fat men can watch themselves get the girl pretty much anywhere they look. Movies starring bigger dudes often provide a hearty but equal balance of comedy and unironic romance (Jack Black in The Holiday , Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street , literally any Kevin James project). Cool. But fat women are not granted the same joy of seeing themselves loved unconditionally on-screen — at least not without a few key caveats.
You see, there is a growing number of romantic movies starring fat women (or mid-size women Hollywood might consider fat but really are still quite thin in comparison to the general population), which is incredible. But have you noticed that many of these movies feature protagonists who have never experienced love or even basic self-respect until they are placed in some kind of alternate universe where they suddenly feel or are perceived as more attractive?
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2019's Isn't It Romantic? is a perfect example. Starring Rebel Wilson , it follows a woman who despises rom-coms due to her own struggles in love — until she is knocked unconscious one day and wakes up in an alternate universe where she's courted by a billionaire (Liam Hemsworth). To return to reality, she must find true love and learns in the end that she can't love anyone else until she loves herself. 2018's I Feel Pretty starring Amy Schumer features a similar plot wherein her character's confidence magically skyrockets overnight after wishing in a well that she'll become beautiful one day — the key takeaway being that confidence in yourself will take you farther in life than outer beauty (pffffft).
This isn't a new trope; one of my favorite romantic comedies ever, The Last Holiday from 2006, stars the legendary Queen Latifah as a shy department store saleswoman and aspiring chef who is mistakenly diagnosed with brain tumors and told she'll only live a few more weeks. This jump-starts her dream life: she quits her job and spends her savings on a trip to a five-star resort in the Czech Republic. She splurges on spa treatments, extravagant clothing, ski lessons, and food prepared by a famous chef she idolizes. Like the others, she also learns how to be confident in herself and eventually lands the guy (LL Cool J) when he turns up to inform her that her diagnosis was incorrect all along.
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Even when plus-size women in romance movies aren't being magically transported to the land where they're desirable, the stories of their romances still tend to revolve around their weight or negative self-images that result from their weight. Netflix's Dumplin' (another favorite of mine) is a story about a fat teenage girl played by Danielle Macdonald who enters a beauty pageant as an ironic act of protest, only to discover that she was worthy of the title "beauty queen" all along. Throughout the movie, she consistently pushes her tall, lanky love interest — a coworker at a local fast food joint — away out of disbelief when he makes sincere attempts to date her. Somewhat similarly, Phat Girlz , released in 2006, stars Mo'Nique as an aspiring fashion designer who struggles to find love in herself and with others due to society's unrealistically thin beauty standards. On vacation, she meets her dream man in a handsome Nigerian doctor who is instantly attracted to her inside and out. Their relationship wavers throughout the movie because she is convinced someone as conventionally attractive as he could never genuinely want her.
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Most of these stories would make just as much sense with a straight-size lead. In this strangely specific genre of romance, self-loathing is normally the key obstacle in a character's journey to find love. Not to mention that lack of self-confidence is rarely, if ever, a source of conflict in romantic comedies starring thinner actors. Think of the most iconic romantic movies you've seen in your lifetime and the issues around which their plots revolve: 10 Things I Hate About You (secrets, rage), 13 Going on 30 (adulthood disenchantment), Princess Bride (class warfare), Clueless (being attracted to your ex-step-brother). Now, fatness is not mutually exclusive with lack of confidence or self-respect, but the very intentional casting of fat versus thin actors in these romance movies sure do
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