Experience Is Overrated Sex Education

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Experience Is Overrated Sex Education
A different view than the scripts we see in media
A different view than the scripts we see in media
The latest season of The Bachelorette is upon us, and with it, a reminder of how our media, and culture at large, portray casual sex as the default standard of relationship behavior. Within this worldview, anyone who doesn’t have sexual “experience” is seen as an aberrance, instead of as someone making a valid lifestyle choice.
The Bachelor / Bachelorette series usually features a sexually-active man or woman looking for love among a crowd of potential suitors, during which the series profits from the combination of drama that results from basically dating a few people at once and in close quarters, and the steamy scenes that mark a growing physical attraction. But when the series seemed to take a new tack in 2019 by presenting viewers with virgin bachelor Colton Underwood, his virginity was obsessively discussed across episodes.
In 2020, Bachelor contestant and frontrunner Madison Prewett felt the burden of sharing the personal information of her virginity with bachelor Peter Weber on screen. As a 2020 Refinery29 article noted,
The news of Madison’s virginity isn’t posed as the simple—and possibly boring—subject of a conversation between two adults or a small part of her story. Instead, it is the late-breaking threat to one of the Bachelor 2020’s healthiest relationships and the twist in her narrative that could ruin her relationship forever. That’s a painfully overwhelming attitude around sex, and likely only makes viewers at home who are still waiting to do the deed more anxious—or, even ashamed—about a small part of their personhood.
This Refinery29 piece nods to the disproportion with which sexuality can sometimes be treated on-screen, and this treatment can translate into plots where virgin or celibate characters must conform by eventually engaging in sexual activity, and to the objectification of such characters (or in the case of the Bachelor / Bachelorette series, real people!).
It could be argued today that access to second-hand sexual “experience” is more widely available than ever to people of all ages, thanks to the slew of media that feature sexual relationships. It has been found that many teens utilize the “sexual scripts” provided in films to guide their own sexual behavior. According to a 2018 study that examines casual sexual scripts in modern films, “Cultural sexual scripts are the societal norms and narratives that provide guidelines for sexual behaviors such as the number of sexual partners that is appropriate, the variety of sexual acts, motives for casual sex, and suitable emotions and feelings.” The casual sexual scripts that guide the hookup culture, though widely popularized, do not always translate well off-screen, as the study notes: “these casual sexual scripts might not be the ideal way to find a romantic partner, as researchers found that the sooner relationships become sexual, the greater their odds of failure.”
Meanwhile, the pressure to get sexually involved early in life permeates our cultural experience. A 2017 report from the CDC states that by age 18, as many as 55 percent of U.S. teenagers have had sex. Perhaps this is why there’s a fascination with—and very little cultural understanding of—those who are not sexually active. Representation of celibate (not sexually active) characters in film / TV waffles between nonexistent to negative, bringing into question the healthiness and soundness of such a choice. Characters who don’t engage in sex often need some explanation, as though a reason is needed to legitimize their non-activity—all contributing to a default perception that every person desires, and therefore pursues, sexual activity.
Deep down, I think most people don’t want sex that’s a commodity, skill, or performance. Within the experience of sex—as with all our interactions with others—each person’s dignity should be honored first and foremost. And it is for this very reason that any amount of sexual experience does not necessarily prepare a person for other sexual experiences. Though the hook-up culture might tempt us to think otherwise, many people who’ve had both casual and committed sex say the best sex is an expression of a relationship between two people within a highly personalized context . It is a context so personal that it will differ with each sexual partner and in each experience within encounters with one sexual partner.
“One of the biggest advantages to not being sexually experienced is the ability to work with one’s partner to discuss what ‘works’ for the other person. It’s another avenue to communication,” one of my married friends recently shared with me, when I told her I was writing on this topic. “Having less experience altogether means more vulnerability, which is frightening in a way, but more importantly, it sets one up for the need to communicate because it’s not just advocating for oneself but for the marriage as well,” she said.
My friend’s perspective suggests that sexual encounters are another way of being in conversation with one’s partner, that the thrill and uncertainties of such an encounter are as varied as there are people experiencing them.
With all the media depictions of sex, and especially sex outside the context of a committed relationship, we risk losing perspective on how sex is not the only kind of intimacy. I’m always struck by the fact that British author John Milton’s standard for compatibility was not sexual prowess, but a couple’s ability to engage in “apt and cheerful conversation,” which he felt would bond the couple together, through the ebb and flow of their sexual relationship.
Further, those who have decided not to be sexually active (either temporarily or permanently) are not relegated to a loveless life. Self-identified lesbian and celibate author Eve Tushnet highlights the fact that passion is found not only in romantic relationships but in friendships as well:
Friendship is sometimes contrasted with sexual love by comparing the images of a romantic couple gazing into each other’s eyes and a pair of friends facing outward toward a common goal or project. This imagery distorts both friendship and sexual love…friendship can nonetheless be as personal and as deeply interested in the friend for his own sake as any romantic love. 
In a culture that accepts so many lifestyle choices, the decision to forgo sex for a season or even for a lifetime is still considered by some to be puzzling at best and damaging to one’s physical and mental health at worst. I don’t believe sexual activity is the ultimate experience of our humanity, nor can any movie, book, magazine, or described or lived sexual experience (which may serve as means of getting the “experience” the culture says we need) really impart the most meaningful aspects of sex, which comes from the relationship by which it’s contextualized.
That’s why I’ve come to think that talking about sex in terms of “gaining experience” cheapens it. In the profundity of what it means to be human, one can never be fully proficient in knowing another person; it’s an ongoing journey.
Lindsey Weishar enjoys traveling, exploring the origins of words, and reading. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing, and is happiest when writing poetry and sipping Earl Grey. 
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by


Louise Jackson


updated September 23, 2022, 2:08 pm



I’ve often contemplated what’s the big deal about sex?
It seems to take up so much of our attention — with one study concluding that on average, men think about sex 19 times a day, while women think about it 10 times a day— yet the reality of sex rarely seems to live up to the fantasy.
Personally, I’ve always felt pressure around sex. Whether you want it or don’t want it, are having it or not having it, either way, it sometimes feels like you can’t win.
Sure sex can be fun, but it can also be a total minefield to navigate. This leaves you wondering, is sex totally overrated?
When I was a teenager growing up, people seemed to talk about sex from such an early age.
Those questions over when you should or shouldn’t be having sex, what age is “normal” to start having sex, and what the opposite sex expected of me started swirling in my mind.
So much so that before I’d ever had sex, I wanted to just get it out of the way.
There have been many times where I’ve had sex because I’ve felt like I ‘should’ rather than because I truly wanted to. And at certain points in long-term relationships, sex has certainly felt more of a duty than a pleasure.
As a woman, I’ve felt some kind of unspoken requirement to try to walk a fine line between virgin and whore, for fear of being labeled either “frigid” or a “slut”. I know men equally fall foul of unrealistic burdens and ludicrous expectations around sex too.
Deep down, I cannot believe that any of us want sex to be a commodity, an obligation, or a performance. But there is no denying that sex can sometimes become these things.
No wonder then that sex can quickly start to feel overrated and unworthy of the prominent focus we seem to give it within our lives.
Sex is a complicated and multifaceted subject and there are lots of things we need to consider when questioning the value of sex in our own lives.
Whether we like it or not, sex is a socially loaded topic. That means that sex is rarely just about sex. It becomes symbolic of so much more.
When it comes to sex, we are all conditioned.
That’s why before we even have a chance to make up our own minds about some important questions to do with sex, we are bombarded with society’s (often conflicting) answers.
“You should be chasing sex all the time” or “You should be avoiding sex until you’ve had 9 dates/are married”, etc.
As old-fashioned and outdated as these types of thoughts may appear, they are still prominent within large sections of society.
That means we may still subconsciously define being a “red-blooded male” as someone who always wants to have lots of sex. Or we might still define the ideal of femininity as something pure and chaste. Even when the reality is far from this.
All of these ideas floating around about sex complicate it for many people way before we’ve even started to have personal experiences of it.
Sex can feel burdened with expectation, guilt, shame, morality, and more.
Some people even begin to feel so ostracised by a lack of sex, that this feeling clouds how they view their entire lives.
Groups like incels (involuntarily celibate) focus on the absence of sex to such an unhealthy extent that their resentment becomes the main framework for viewing the world.
Sex so easily becomes negatively transformed into a right of passage, a trophy, a measure of success, or of desirability and worth.
But often what we are really seeking isn’t even sex at all. It’s attention, validation, or even love.
Sex is less taboo, and as a consequence is an ever-growing fixture within media.
Sex can be overly romanticized so that real-life never lives up to the image. Ever noticed how sex scenes on TV seem to be passionate, steamy, and flawless?
There aren’t any awkward conversations or embarrassing moments that are a feature of real sexual encounters.
Characters don’t stop to chat about contraception, struggle to get their clothes off or self-consciously try to hide stretch marks.
We’re influenced so much by the fictional sexual relationships we see on our screens that a 2018 study looking at sexual scripts in films found evidence that as a society we’re deciding what’s “normal” based on what we watch:
“Cultural sexual scripts are the societal norms and narratives that provide guidelines for sexual behaviors such as the number of sexual partners that is appropriate, the variety of sexual acts, motives for casual sex, and suitable emotions and feelings.”
Maybe it’s hard for real-life sex not to seem pretty overrated when it’s held up in comparison to the glossy unrealistic media version of it.
We make a big deal out of sex, but ultimately it’s just a way of connecting with someone in an incredibly intimate way. But it’s far from the only way to do that.
There are plenty of acts that can also help you to feel close to someone without taking your clothes off.
Rather than sex itself, some people are actually craving physical contact. Humans are hardwired to want to be touched and research has found that when we are deprived of it, it’s bad for our health.
It’s this same release of oxytocin (otherwise known as the cuddle or love hormone) which we get from varied forms of physical contact (like hugs) as well as sex.
Emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and experiential intimacy are all other ways we create special bonds. For many people, these can be even more vulnerable and meaningful than sex.
Neither is passion exclusive to sex. Celibate author Eve Tushnet points out that passion is found not only in romantic relationships but in friendships as well:
“Friendship is sometimes contrasted with sexual love by comparing the images of a romantic couple gazing into each other’s eyes and a pair of friends facing outward toward a common goal or project. This imagery distorts both friendship and sexual love…friendship can nonetheless be as personal and as deeply interested in the friend for his own sake as any romantic love.”
Even romantic relationships are multi-faceted, with sex only one potential aspect.
Laughing, crying, talking, sharing, supporting — there are quite literally dozens of equally important elements.
There’s a perception that ‘once the sex goes’ in a relationship this is the reason for its demise or what causes affairs. But in reality, it’s not the case.
Relationships break down for many reasons , and straying sexually in more cases than not is the symptom of those relationship problems, rather than the cause.
It’s actually a lack of love, understanding, or recognition which creates the conditions that cause infidelity — not a lack of sex.
I’m not going to sit here and write that nobody gives a damn if you’re having sex or how much sex you’re having.
Because although in an ideal world that would be the case, we also know we don’t live in an ideal world. So I think it would be a lie.
Social pressures, peer pressure, religious pressure, your parents’ views — there are lots of elements that may make us feel like we need to behave in a certain way when it comes to sex.
One of the biggest problems around sex is how much judgment surrounds it. But all of that is also ultimately BS.
Fortunately, we also live increasingly in times where many stereotypes, including those around sex, sexual preferences, and sexuality are being turned on their head.
Totally unheard of terms a generation ago are becoming more widely understood:
Asexual — Having little or no interest in sex, or for some, in even romantic attraction.
Demisexual — Only feeling sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person.
Celibate — A voluntary vow of sexual abstinence from all sexual activity.
While not everyone will find labels necessary or even helpful, the broadening of sexual habits does offer a greater sense of the wide spectrum of what is “normal”.
There are lots of people out there who don’t want to have sex or don’t feel sexual attraction.
There are plenty who feel about sex, the way I feel about ice cream — whilst they don’t actively dislike it, they can take it or leave it.
And there are many others who love sex and cannot get enough of it.
No one lifestyle choice is preferable or more ordinary than another.
People will always have opinions around sex, but that doesn’t change the fact that there really is no such thing as “normal”, there really is only personal preference.
Psychotherapist and Certified Sex Therapist Gila Shapiro highlights that our sexual self-esteem affects every sexual choice we make.
“Sexuality is a multi-dimensional, complex mix of physiological, interpersonal, cultural, emotional, and psychological factors. It’s important for us to reflect on all these aspects of ourselves and the role they play, as the relationship we have with our sexuality reflects our sexual self-esteem. And just as we talk about the value of developing healthy self-esteem, so too, should we be paying attention to developing a healthy sexual self-esteem.”
She goes on to argue that many factors affect our ability to express ourselves sexually:
Ultimately all of these things come from you.
This is why having a more satisfying sex life will also depend on strengthening, not your relationship with others, but with yourself.
Without the foundations of a strong sexual self-esteem, it’s easier to find yourself allowing your boundaries to be pushed, saying yes to things you don’t want to, and failing to put your own sexual needs and wants first.
If we’re not clear on our own relationship with and motivation towards sex, there can be a danger we try to use it for validation or a mood boost.
In the same way as when we seek too much external validation or pleasure from anything in life, the buzz is usually short-lived.
Whether it’s a shopping splurge, a chocolate binge, a TV marathon — the high is temporary. And it always comes back to that old gem of wisdom that you can’t find happiness outside of yourself, only within.
Working on our own self-love improves our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect in all our encounters in life, sex included.
I’m not suggesting you need to or even should be in love to have sex.
For some people having strong feelings for someone before entering into a sexual relationship is very important, whilst for others, it doesn’t matter so much.
It tends to come down to what people are looking for from sex, whether that be relief of tension, procreation, an expression of romantic love, or just a good time.
But there’s no denying that for most of us, feeling a strong emotional connection changes sex into something more akin to “ making love ”.
It seems to become more intensified when feelings are involved and transforms the act of sex into something far more meaningful.
Anecdotally, many people who have had both casual and committed sexual encounters report that intimacy, a personal connection, and feelings deepen the satisfaction from sex.
As sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr explains there’s a huge difference between using someone else’s body to get your kicks and creating a genuine connection between two people:
“Without connection, sex is having two bodies rub against each other and create pleasurable sensations. That can be good, just like a massage from a massage therapist can be intensely pleasurable. Sex without connection is a set of movements against each other, as if doing something onto each other. Sex with connection is being with each other.”
For all the complications sex can sometimes bring along with it, to a lot of people it’s far from overrated.
There’s no denying that the desire for sex is a perfectly natural urge, a lot of fun, and a way of meaningfully connecting with others.
Sex, much like any experience in life has the potential to be pretty bad, pretty great, or kinda meh. Every situation is different and every sexual encounter unique.
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