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Sadaf Ahsan: A generally unpleasant viewing experience, perhaps discomfort is the whole point
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Here are some of the things that happen 45 minutes into the pilot episode of HBO’s Euphoria : frequent nudity (of the male and female variety), characters shooting up, the aftermath of an overdose, a faked urine test, multiple violent sex scenes including a graphic rape. Then there’s a scene in which a high-schooler named Kat, who is desperate to lose her virginity, finds herself being manipulated in the back room of a party by three greasy boys. They egg her on to “prove” she isn’t a “prude” by undressing or performing a sexual act of their choosing.
As I watched, I felt the pressure build, suddenly fast-forwarding through the scene. Not because it was too graphic – maybe it was, I’ll never know – but because I was deep in sensory overload. I’d had enough. As someone who considers herself desensitized when it comes to onscreen entertainment, I can watch just about anything without breaking a sweat. But I knew what was going to happen and after having already witnessed a barrage of teenage characters — most of them girls — put through so much trauma, I realized I had a limit and Euphoria reached it.
Well, almost. I watched one more episode to confirm my suspicions. It went even harder, with a fentanyl scene, another near-rape, a sex tape and an almost fatal beatdown. Like a pornographic after-school special, it seems Euphoria’s intent is to tackle every single thing a parent might be up late thinking their child could be doing.
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It follows Rue, a 17-year-old drug addict fresh out of rehab but with no intention of staying clean; her new friend Jules, a trans girl she meets at a party; Nate, an angry and violent 22-year-old who may be following in his father’s predatory footsteps; and a gang of other unruly teens. In an Instagram post ahead of the show’s premiere, former Disney star Zendaya (who plays Rue) warned her fans that, “as a raw and honest portrait of addiction, anxiety and the difficulties of navigating life today,” the show could be “triggering” and not all fans might be able to “handle it.”
Thanks to its repeated gratuitousness, one gets the sense the show’s sole objective is to desensitize its audience to extreme violence and rape, going so far as framing these traumas as learning experiences and catalysts for personal growth. Take, for example, in the pilot, when a character’s new boyfriend gets disturbingly rough with her pushing her to find her voice and tell him to stop; or when another decides to have public sex in a pool to get revenge on her ex.
In Episode 2, Kat discovers the boys had secretly filmed her hook-up at the party, and leaked the sex tape throughout their high school. It motivates her to blackmail one of the boys into buying her things so she won’t report him for child porn. Later, when she finds someone has uploaded the tape to a porn site where it has countless views and comments, she has an epiphany, finally seeing herself as desirable. Kat then decides to give web-camming a try, the instant gratification a boon to her self-esteem. All of these instances are played more as moments of empowerment — women using sex to gain control of their identities and narratives — than commentary on gender equality.
It’s a line The Handmaid’s Tale often straddles, too, with its ceaseless barrage of oppression, torture and, yes, rape. In that story, there is a strong sense of fight that permeates, building toward a future empowerment for its subjugated female characters. But in the way The Handmaid’s Tale uses anger as a tool to inspire and motivate, Euphoria only has ennui, leaving its characters constantly grasping at straws for action and hollow validation.
An obvious meditation on our modern era — a politically corrupt digital age still embroiled in gender wars — Euphoria is attempting to cover a lot, but only abstractly, making for a contrived snapshot. Consider the opening montage in the pilot, complete with narration, where we follow Rue from the time she was a fetus, born days after 9/11 (cue archival footage of the towers burning), to post-rehab, when she says things countless indie-movie stoners have before her, like, “I know you’re not allowed to say it — but drugs are kind of cool.”
We get it: Rue is post-9/11, she’s a self-absorbed digital baby. There’s certainly something to be said of Generation Z and its attempt to form an identity in a world with too many options that make everything easier in one way but so much harder in another. But by packing so much in and so gratuitously, Euphoria’s efforts feel disingenuous. If creator Sam Levinson — who says much of the series borrows from his own life — were to remove about 50 layers of intensity, the series could make for a quality satire. But as is, it’s nothing more than a nightmare with a never-ending sense of doom.
It’s difficult, then, to determine who exactly this series is for. With the casting alone of Zendaya, possibly teenagers, but the network and the show’s rating seems to contradict that. So perhaps it’s a kind of warning to parents, an elevated “do you know where your kids are?” But even for that demographic, it seems too out-of-touch, trying too hard to project a stratospheric cool that might belong better on, say, Vice or MTV, or in the ’90s in the hands of Larry Clark or Harmony Korine.
Euphoria does have a heart, however faintly it beats, in the growing friendship between Rue and Jules (played by trans model Hunter Schafer. Both on the social fringe, they develop a sweet kinship, and Jules gets to be Euphoria’s typical troubled teen without her sexuality being her entire story. Their chemistry is quick, both a balm to the other’s pain.
Unfortunately, the show is far too obsessed with titillating, even if it claims not to be. And though it may be well-made — gorgeously shot, each scene is darkly layered with a narrative and aesthetic gloom that casts a shadow of perpetual doom — a pretty bow can’t distract from an empty box. In fact, it only glamourizes the trauma, which is admittedly a tough thing to avoid when juggling as many issues as Euphoria dares to take on.
Still, it doesn’t shock the way it thinks it does. A generally unpleasant viewing experience, perhaps discomfort is the whole point. Maybe this is the direction television is moving – not to enthral but to simply be, like an endless montage open to projection. But why tune in when there’s a host of other options with as good visuals and better storytelling that still manage to say something about the world without making viewers feel like they’ve been strapped down in a chair Clockwork Orange -style?
That’s not entertainment, it’s torture.
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Dicks , TV
Joseph Longo
July 7, 2019
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Our surprisingly safe-for-work guide to HBO’s buzzy new series has all the hard data you need
Thank god for Euphoria , the rare show bold enough to buck reliable trends in premium cable and give us all the full-frontal male nudity we deserve, boners and all.
The buzzy new series about teenagers and their illustrious digital lives stars Zendaya as Rue, a drug-addicted 17-year-old fresh out of rehab and with no desire to stay sober. The first episode chronicles her upbringing, and each subsequent episode follows a different student at the suburban Southern California high school. The joy and perils of drugs, texting, Juuling and high school parties all connect the characters.
So does the overwhelming presence of nudity in their lives. Specifically, dick pics. The show’s penchant for penis has become a hallmark of the show after the Hollywood Reporter ran an article claiming “close to 30 penises flash onscreen” in one episode.
I, for one, can’t wait to see 30 dicks on #Euphoria I will stand up in my living room and applaud. We been staring at boobs and vaginas on television for NO reason for decades. Bring on the cock! pic.twitter.com/fRK9SmRTid
— Kingsley (@kingsleyyy) June 16, 2019
Ya know, when y’all told me to watch Euphoria you coulda warned me about all the dicks
My dick criteria are simple: The penis must be shown onscreen. Characters walking around naked or having sex with shadows conveniently hiding their appendages does not count. We. Need. To. See. The. Dick. That’s it.
Disclaimers: Spoilers are abundant in my dick data analysis. Also, it’s worth noting that I rewatched the first four episodes on a rickety charter bus and at a Washington, D.C., coffee shop. There is a possibility my numbers might be slightly off as I tried my best to maintain a sense of dignity while starring at countless dicks in public. But you can trust me — I’m an expert.
Read on for details, dongs and some minor spoilers. After the eight-episode first season, our grand total is: 71 dicks .
We get the first glimmer of a dick five minutes into the episode — during a lockdown drill, of all things. The camera pans over to Rue’s classmate playing a blowjob porn video on his phone and miming along with his hand. The scene is brief and a little too aggressive, just like a bad blowjob.
Next comes our first dick pic. Jules, who is trans, explores the world of queer hookup apps as a man on Scruff sends her an unsolicited dick pic. This is what I’d call a bad dick pic: a floating penis next to a shampoo bottle. What’s the penis-to-thigh ratio? What are we working with at the base? (In a few episodes, we’ll see triple the dick pics and get these answers in the most vital television tutorial of the year.)
Later, there’s a rather shocking montage of popular Pornhub videos. It was very difficult for me to hide while watching the episode on a charter bus. I counted two dicks as I struggled to shield my phone from the middle-aged women sitting behind me. Unfortunately, I think they saw the man getting fisted, and I might be banned from Peter Pan buses for life because of it.
And just like the bus company’s claim that its Wi-Fi worked, the biggest dick of the episode is fake. Eric Dane wore a prosthetic erect penis (although we famously saw McSteamy’s real one in a sex tape that circulated in 2009 ) as Cal Jacobs, aka “DominantDaddy,” statutorily rapes 17-year-old Jules after they connect on Scruff. He’s also the father of her classmate, Nate Jacobs, but she doesn’t know that yet. The scene is uncomfortable, but that’s entirely the point.
The dicks, like everything else in the first episode, are really just edging toward what’s to come later.
The second episode is the cure for the blue balls we got in the pilot. Nate, the star quarterback and son of “DominantDaddy,” is shown navigating a post-football game locker room. The scene is an homage to the shower scene in Carrie , but instead of breasts, dicks are everywhere. Small dicks. Big dicks. Flapping dicks. But, interestingly, only soft dicks. Where’s the closeted gay teen trying to hide his boner?
This is largely believed to be the infamous 30-dick scene . Well, they’re wrong. As the investigative journalist I am, I’m putting my reputation on the line to say I counted only 21 dicks. Celebrity nude experts Mr. Skin got the same number , the Ringer reports. What’s more, some of these penises are repeats of dicks we’d already seen a few seconds earlier! I hope there’s another 30-dick scene to come, because watching this was not worth possibly getting banned from this D.C. coffee shop.
Our second set of dicks this episode comes when the body-conscious Kat starts exploring her sexuality and scrolls through the comment section of Pornhub. Why do men love to set naked selfies as their profile pic? Anyway, we can add another six dicks to the count for episode two.
Most articles heralded the second episode as the magnum opus of dicks. But episode three offers a better array. Not only do we get some glorious and oh-so-accurate Larry Stylinson fanfiction (sadly, there’s no cartoon One Direction nudity), we also get an exploration of CFNM porn — i.e., clothed female, naked male. Kat stumbles upon a CFNM video on Pornhub and grants us our first three dicks this episode.
But nothing quite compares to Rue and Jules’ very true, very funny and very important dick pic tutorial. While I saw only nine penises in their PowerPoint, I left with insurmountable knowledge about what constitutes a horrifying dick pic (a messy room) and a terrifying one (fucking swords in your photo?!).
After her sex tape goes viral on Pornhub with unexpectedly flattering and feedback, Kat decides to enter the world of camming . In her first online session under the username KittenKween, Kat chats with a man with a micropenis who wants to be humiliated. Unlike the man’s penis, the scene is surprisingly long. Brace yourself.
Our final set of dicks is when resident high school hottie Maddy investigates her boyfriend Nate’s phone and stumbles upon 24 (!) dick pics saved in his photos app. Twenty-four glorious pictures of erect dicks of all skin tones, lengths and size comparisons with shampoo bottles.
Euphoria came early and enthusiastically with its dicks, so by the fourth episode, the show’s sputtered out. Honestly, it’s a well-needed breather, going soft on the penises to go hard on the plot and proving the show offers real substance and not just exposition.
We do get a single and very sudden dick. This episode follows Jules as her parents trick her into entering a mental hospital to handle her burgeoning gender transition. There, Jules immediately witnesses another “patient” aggressively pull out his dick in front of other kids and workers. It’s deeply uncomfortable, just like the belief that trans children need to be locked up in mental hospitals.
Euphoria is officially on a dick detox. Again, we are treated to a single dick this episode. A flashback shows a barred-out Rue at 15 years old losing her virginity to a skinny white boy on a laundry room floor. The boy finishes and flips over to lie beside Rue; there we see his soft white-boy dick. He asks, “Did you cum?” Rue clearly did not, but the dude thinks he did the fucking work. “You look like you came hard,” he says. For anyone screaming for mediocre white-boy representation, this is your episode.
The dick detox has turned into a dick desert. After a first half filled with penises and praise for equal parts male and female nudity, Euphoria has left us all blue-balled. While high school bombshell Cassie Howard’s breasts are exposed in a gratuitous sex scene, not a single dick pops us. But we are treated to actress Maude Apatow dressed up as Bob Ross for Halloween, curly wig, beard and all. And for that, I’m grateful.
Euphoria is officially firing on all cylinders this episode. We get the illustrious adventures of a suburban teen hitting the big city, binge-watching 22 straight hours of Love Island while depressed and — finally — Gen Z’s cynical comedy, which has sadly been missing for most of the season.
Zendaya binge watches 22 straight hours of Love Island on EUPHORIA. I dare you to tell me that isn’t Gen Z representation!!
— Joseph Longo (@josephlongo_) July 29, 2019
In one standout sequence, Zendaya and Maude Apatow play two L.A. noir cops, which I would gladly watch as a CBS procedural co-starring Alan Cumming and Pauley Perrette.
Still, I’m left thinking, WHERE ARE THE DICKS?!
We received one single phallus, courtesy of a dead Lenny fucking Bruce sprawled out on the bathroom floor in a sadistically humorous montage of people who’ve died sitting on toilets. Did you know Judy Garland and Elvis Presley also died on the commode? I don’t even know who Lenny Bruce is, but now I know what he might have looked like nude. And for this, I guess I’m grateful.
Euphoria capped off its final season without resolving many storylines. Jules is still the Gen Z manic pixie dream girl, Rue keeps struggling to keep her sobriety and Nate remains a fucking tool.
But much like Maude Apatow’s character arc, not a single dick rises. There is, however, a distributing bu
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