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As much hype and attention as we give it, sex is just another normal function of the human body — which can only mean it has the potential to get pretty darn embarrassing. While everyone has had at least one sex slip-up before, these cringe-worthy-but-totally-true stories might make you feel better about some of your more forgettable sexual encounters.
“One evening after a few drinks, this younger boy and I were lying on the ground with our pants off and making out. We removed our undies and he starts moving his hips back and forth, slowly and then faster and faster,” recalls Laura. “His breath got heavier, and then he collapsed on top of me. Mind you, this whole time I just laid there in fear of saying something that would embarrass him because he was a virgin .”
“He looked up at me sweetly and asked, ‘How w-w-was it for you?’ I replied, ‘What? You were between my thighs.’ He laughed it off, but was super embarrassed. When we finally did get around to actually [doing the deed], it was fantastic.”
It was 1969 and Dana was a senior at UCLA. “My girlfriend and I were looking for a place to make ‘nookie’ since my roommate was in my room studying. It was a few days before classes started and the room next door to her room was still vacant, so we went in there and proceeded,” Dana explains.
“Then, there was a knock on the door. We froze. Another knock, then the sound of a key going into the lock. Room was pitch dark, so it was just sounds, but we heard voices out in the hall.”
“In a panic, I threw a blanket — or something — over my girlfriend, grabbed my pants and tried to pull them on as I headed for the door to keep it from opening. I got to the door with my pants just above my knees when the door opened,” he recalls. “Standing in the hall was this sweet young freshman girl with her parents bringing her to her new dorm room! The looks on their faces were priceless. I asked them to give us a few minutes — I mean, what choice did they have?”
“My wife and I decided to add a little spice to our love life by using some aerosol whipped cream. I got the can from the fridge and brought it to our dark bedroom, sprayed it all over her boobs and started to lick it off. It tasted funny and I thought that her skin chemistry was giving the whipped cream an off taste,” says John. “It kept getting worse, so I turned on the light. It was all green from mold. She started laughing hysterically as did I. It killed the mood for the night though. I had a queasy stomach all night long.”
John, who is ironically a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, shares: “My wife and I went out with some friends for bowling and beer. We both had a little too much to drink.” However, that didn’t stop him from initiating intercourse with his wife that night. “I was happily pumping away with a full bladder. I began to feel the urge to ejaculate (or so I thought in my half drunken stupor). The problem was that I was peeing instead of ejaculating.”
Eliza recounts a story from her first year in college. “I was with my boyfriend in his dorm room. His roommate was away for the weekend (or so we thought). I’m under the covers giving him a blow job and having a good time. I don’t even hear the key turn in the door or anything — all of a sudden I just hear his roommate talking.”
“I just froze. I didn’t know what to do,” Eliza recalls. “He’s just shooting the breeze with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend is trying to just play it off and is holding a conversation like I’m not even there. So I just stayed down there, perfectly still, waiting for him to go. He talks for what seems like is eternity (probably only two minutes). Then I hear him say, ‘See ya later… you too Eliza.’ I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.”
“I am the first to admit, I’m not a pro at giving head but I try,” says Trisha. “One night, I was pleasuring my new boyfriend and I removed my mouth for a second to breathe when all of a sudden he ejaculated — right up my nose. It felt like I was drowning for a second and I began choking. He thought it was hysterical — I was mortified by the whole thing. I spent the next half hour blowing my nose.”
Updated by Bethany Ramos on 4/1/2016
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The great thing about sex (besides the orgasms , of course) is that if you make a mistake or something awkward happens, you can always laugh about it later.
Have you ever given a blow job in an Uber and lost your nose ring? What about doing it in a J.Crew bathroom while the clothing attendant was right outside? No? Well these real women have—and they're willing to share their funniest stories with you. Trust me, you're in for a laugh.
If you're not either in tears after reading this or ready to risk some jail time during your next sexual encounter, read it again. These 50 women have risked it all for The Big O...you might want to try it sometime.
"We can roll with it, or you can let me borrow your razor."
"I was hooking up with this dude for months, but it wasn't consistent, so when I went over to his place I realized when I got there that I was not, let's just say, 100-percent prepared down there. I explained the situation to the dude and gave him two options. 'We can roll with it, or you can let me borrow your razor, with a totally new razor head' (because duh, bacteria!). He opted for the second choice. And I hopped in the shower, still drunk, and shaved everything. How I didn't slip in the shower or cut myself while drunk is beyond me, but mission accomplished...and the sex after was actually the best ever with that guy, so yeah!" —Heather R., 26
"I was hooking up with a guy and I didn’t eat much that day. When we got in the shower to have sex, I actually started to pass out. The guy had to help me out of the shower, dry me off, and basically became my doctor. I was so embarrassed." —Emily B., 24
"I was hooking up with this guy for about three months, but he would always come to my place since I lived near the town center with all the bars. But one night, I finally went to his house to hookup, and when I went to bathroom to clean up afterward, I noticed a bunch of kids clothes on the floor and a small toothbrush. Turns out, he had an whole child. Three months and I never knew!" — Melanie C., 24
"This man had popped a couple of Tic Tacs while he was down there."
"I was hooking up with this guy who didn't like giving oral. But I pushed him on it, because equality, and he finally agreed to give it a try. As soon as he got started, I remember feeling something weird down there tingling and burning. I soon realized that this man had popped a couple of Tic Tacs in while he was down there without letting me know. WTH, dude?!" — Isabelle M., 26
"Apparently his dick was burning. Sorry to this man."
"I was making this spicy stew recipe online that called for a bunch of habañeros. I washed my hands pretty well, but I guess they still had pepper on them, because later that night when I was giving a guy a hand job, he started making funny noises and started yelling, 'Oww, owww.' Apparently, his dick was burning. Sorry to this man." —Ilena B., 26
"I couldn’t help but try to solve the math problem."
"The first time I had sex with my high school boyfriend, we were at his parents' house alone. We went up to his room, and he laid me down on the bed. But just as he put it in, I looked up at the ceiling and noticed he had derivative math equations taped there. The entire time, I couldn’t help but try to solve the math problem. I told him this wasn't going to work for me and we went out for pizza instead." – Ashley L., 24
"I've never questioned my life choices more."
"It was the night of my boyfriend's fraternity formal. We were having a good time when he asked me if I wanted to sneak away from the dance floor. We ran to the men's bathroom, picked a stall, and started having sex. That was, until three of his brothers came in to use the bathroom. They started chatting it up at the urinals. And we were just in the stall, naked, trying to remain as quiet as possible. That's when I snapped back into reality and realized how disgusting this bathroom was. I've never questioned my life choices more." —Amber G., 24
"That didn’t stop us from catching up in the laundry room."
"One time at a house party, I spotted my crush walking in from across the room. We hadn’t talked in a while, but that didn’t stop us from catching up in the laundry room of our friend's house. We were literally having rough sex in the laundry room while people knocked loudly on the door because they thought it was the bathroom." —Denise B., 25
"He sat me on a random car parked in the alley."
"When I first moved to Brooklyn, I came across a NSFW profile on Tumblr with this guy who was popular for the sloppy head he gives. So I was scrolling through his profile and came across a post that said something like, 'Repost this if you’re based in New York.' So being new and unknown to the city, I said, hey, why the hell not...and messaged him. A day or so later, we ended meeting up at a Mexican-themed bar. After a few margaritas, we went to a restaurant. When we got to the booth, we instantly began making out and um... exploring each other’s bodies. So we slipped out before the waiter came back and went into the alley right next to the bar. He sat me on a random car parked in the alley and showed me exactly how he became so Tumblr famous." —Sharice F., 25
"Who knew Kyle sounds like Carl in German?"
"I was studying abroad in Spain and met a really cute German guy while out one night. We had a great night together, but the next morning, he told me I’d been calling him the wrong name the entire night. Who knew Kyle sounds like Carl in German?" —Elise C., 23
"I asked if he wanted to join and soon I started making out with my coworkers date."
"One Friday afternoon in the office, my coworker was venting about not having been on a date in awhile. I motivated her to try her luck on Tinder. She eventually met a guy she liked, they chatted for a bit, and he asked her out. But he wanted to know if she had a friend for his friend in town. Of course, I agreed to be her wingwoman. We met up at a lounge and laughed the whole night. But my friend wanted to head home because she had work the next morning.
"After they dropped her off, I chose to stay and hang out with the two guys. Initially, I was only dancing with the date I was set up with, but after a few rum punches, we were all taking turns dancing together. We took a break and went outside to cool off. Outside, me and my original date began making out. After we stopped, I noticed his friend was just standing there. I asked if he wanted to join and soon I started making out with my coworkers' date. Shortly after, we all went to a hotel and that’s the story of my first threesome." —Serena B., 25
"It was the perfect one-flight stand."
"I was on a 12-hour flight, and the guy next to me was pretty cute. I swear he was Ryan Gosling's twin, and he was wearing an army uniform (hard to resist, right?). We started talking, and a couple of hours in, I was trying to fall asleep when he said I could rest my head on his lap to be more comfortable. So I did, but a couple minutes in, I could feel he was getting hard. So I started rubbing his dick. He put a blanket over my head so nobody around us could see, but I'm nearly positive the woman on the other side of the aisle could tell what was happening, especially when I pulled down his zipper and started bobbing my head up and down. Luckily, he came pretty quickly. We talked after the flight up until baggage claim and then never saw each other again. It was the perfect one-flight stand." — Amber M., 28
"I lost my nose ring in the Uber, and I kind of want it back."
"I gave a blow job to this guy in an Uber. It was incredibly hot and we’ve ended up hooking up several more times. But I lost my nose ring in the Uber, and I kind of want it back...but I’m too afraid to ask the Uber driver 'cause who knows what he saw back there?" —Rebekah M., 25
"It was super weird looking at the tons of family pictures on the wall."
"It was my first hookup. We were making out on the couch, and after a while, he asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom. I said yes, but then he lead me into his parents’ bedroom! I remember him saying he’d just always wanted to hook up on his parents’ bed and they were out of town so we wouldn’t get caught. I just went with it, even though it was super weird looking at the tons of family pictures on the wall while we were getting it on. I gave my first blow job and hand job on the bed of some couple who would come back from vacation, fall into bed, and have no idea what happened in it a few days earlier. I really hope he changed the sheets." —Sydney S., 25
"As I was doing it, I noticed I wasn’t really getting any vocal feedback."
"When I was in college, I was hooking up this guy who smoked a lot of weed. I mean, he was pretty much high 24/7. I liked that he was really chill, but turns out, he might’ve been too chill. One night we were having sex, and he just stopped in the middle of it. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just too high and tired. Being a generous spirit, I offered to give him a blow job instead and he gladly accepted. As I was doing it, I noticed I wasn’t really getting any vocal feedback or anything. I looked up and saw that he’d fallen asleep! We stopped seeing each other after that." —Alice P., 26
"We got naked in the fitting room and got to it."
"When I was dating my first boyfriend, we always talked about unconventional places to have sex. He said he really wanted to have sex in a fitting room, so we decided to make that happen. I was so nervous. I’d never had sex in a public place! We spent some time just walking around a J.Crew at the mall and made up this whole story to the staff about how we were trying to find him an outfit for some special occasion. Eventually, both of us went into the fitting room, making sure it was empty, and the staff didn’t bat an eye. We got naked in the fitting room and got to it, all the while trying to make casual conversation with each other, so it didn’t seem suspicious. I never thought I’d say, 'I think that shirt would look better with those pants,' while someone was literally inside me!" —Olivia M., 26
"My friends and I couldn’t get away fast enough."
"When I was in grad school, my friends and I were out on the town after a really rough week. I just wanted to unwind and see what I could get into that night. Eventually, this really cute guy and his friends came up to us while we were playing pool and the guy started chatting me up. I was interested, but he refused to tell me his name, which was a little suspicious. But I was just looking to have fun, so I didn’t really care. We were making out, and I was ready to go to his place that night to hook up. But for some reason, he started acting really sketchy. That's when he pulled out a bag of what I think was cocaine, told us he was a dealer, and asked if we wanted to do some. My friends and I couldn’t get away fast enough. I seriously dodged a bullet that night." —Trisha D., 27
"I kept my head
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