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Orange County's Leading Source Of News, Culture And Entertainment
It gives us great pleasure to know that our post last week on the coming closing of Anaheim Hills legendary Foxfire Lounge went mucho viral—got picked up by Jezebel, was cited in the Los Angeles Times ‘ excellent California Report newsletter got lamely ripped off by the Orange County Register, and got enough hits to make a Buzzfeed listicle seem as much read as a David Whiting column. OC Weekly , if nothing else, is an advocacy publication letting county residents know about the stories that matter, whether it’s corruption at the OCDA office or when a beloved MILF bar is closing.
But a problem remains: Foxfire is closing, damnit! Where else will young men go find older women and love them? Where else will gals from their late-30s through late-50s strut like the Venus de Milos that they are?
Fear not, cougar/MILFs and the people who love them. Orange County has long been the nation’s capital for middle-aged ladies who know what they want and have the money to take care of a cub or 30 ( so much better than some skinny Silver Lake hipster pendeja , no?). The following spots are just of the more acclaimed cougar/MILF bars worthy of visiting now that Foxfire is closing.
And, finally, a disclaimer: We mean no disrespect to the following bars and the gals who patronize them by referring them as cougars and MILFs and cougar/MILF dens. We’re saying y’all desirable and are worthy of a visit—better than dismissing you as Leisure World coffin dodgers or a place as cool as an Olive Garden, you know?
10. Brio Tuscany Grille
Located in that part of Dana Point that sometimes tries to pass itself off as Laguna Niguel, Brio has long been OC’s best-kept cougar/MILF bar secret, mostly because it’s too far away for everyone not in deepest, darkest South County. A quick stroll through their photo gallery looks like an MGM revue imagined by Busby Berkeley, so many gorgeous gals there are. Plus, the place is open until midnight Tuesday through Thursday and until 2 a.m. Friday and Saturday—and everyone knows that’s when the real pruned partiers come out. 24050 Camino Del Avion, Dana Point, (949) 443-1476; www.briorestaurant.com .
9. Spaghettini
I’ve only been to the Seal Beach spot whenever they have KLOS-FM 95.5 Breakfast with the Beatles specials, but friends swear by the quality of cougar/MILFs here—more humble, less crazy than their coastal sisters elsewhere, apparently. Good to know next time we tire of all the 20- and 30-somethings prowling Main Street! 3005 Old Ranch Pkwy., Seal Beach, (562) 596-2199; www.spaghettinisb.com .
8. Mulberry Street
Downtown Fullerton is a legendary place to party for the college set, but what about if you went to university back when Todd Maronivich was still at USC? Start at Stubrik’s for great steaks, then hit the bar scene at Mulberry Street. If you’re a cougar/MILF, consider this your playground; unlike the other places, you’ll be in the minority, so you’ll get to decide whether you get an undergrad from UC Riverside, Riverside Community College or University of Redlands to bunk with that night. 114 W. Wilshire Ave., Fullerton, (714) 525-1056; www.mulberryfullerton.com
7. Salt Creek Grille
Implant for implant, Dana Point is the most underrated cougar/MILF habitat in OC, frequently overshadowed by Laguna Beach to the north and San Clemente to the south. But remember: in addition to Brio listed above, the Ritz Carlton and the St. Regis, you got this war filly here. Easy pick-up line: “Can you give me a private tour of your listings?”—because it seems every other woman here is into real estate, you know? 32802 Pacific Coast Hwy., Dana Point, (949) 661-7799; www.saltcreekgrille.com
6. Original Mike’s
A fascinating sociological profile. Here’s where the last seven white people in SanTana hang out when they’re not at the Olde Ship. Here is also where you get chola GILFs, ladies who are already abuelitas in their early 40s. None of those your type? Original Mike’s is also the place for OC Democratic fundraisers. Just come here on an election night during an inevitable wipeout by the Dems, and comfort a liberal lady, lads. 100 S. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 550-7764; www.originalmikes.com
And now, the competition gets truly brutal…
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5. Canyon Inn
This is already the place where Foxfire ladies get liquored up before hitting up their den. But with Foxfire’s closure, expect a bunch of MILFugees to make this their permanent home—you heard it here first! Featuring some of the most aggressive MILF hunters this side of a Brazzers video. 6821 Fairlynn Blvd., Yorba Linda, (714) 779-0880
4. Gulfstream
This draws a younger crowd than your usual cougar/MILF haunt, mostly because there’s a lot of young women here accompanying businessmen or trying to pick up a sugar daddy for the next 11 years. But fear not, o lovers of cougar/MILFs: there are also a lot of 40-somethings bored of their 60-something husband and ready to ditch him at the sight of a young buck wearing a Kings MMA T-shirt. 850 Avocado Ave., Newport Beach, (949) 718-0188; gulfstreamrestaurants.com
3. 3Thirty3 Waterfront
Centrally located to catch all the denizens of Balboa, Lido, Linda and Bay Island. If the preceding sentence meant nothing to you, then you are a cougar/MILF rookie. They close at 2 a.m. today, sons: get with the program TONIGHT. 333 Bayside Dr, Newport Beach, (949) 673-8464 www.3thirty3nb.com
2. Javier’s
Made infamous by The Real Housewives of Orange County , Javier’s at Crystal Cove Promenade is where the real party is. And bonus for the ladies: This is where professional baseball player hang out during trips agains the Angels and when they retire. Oh, the stories we’ve heard involving former Halos outfielders…YIKES! 7832 Pacific Coast Hwy., Newport Beach, (949) 494-1239; www.javiers-cantina.com
1. The Quiet Woman
As great as Javier’s is, it’s only been around since last decade. The most old-school cougar/MILF bar in OC remains this Corona del Mar classic, infamous for its logo of a woman missing her head. It just celebrated its 50th anniversary, meaning the spot has seen generations of MILFs to the point where the original MILFs had daughters who are now MILFs, and their daughters will be MILFs in about 15 years—TRIP OUT… 3224 E. Coast Hwy., Corona Del Mar, (949) 640-7440; www.quietwoman.com
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