Erotic Asian Massage

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Top ten handjob mistakes in an erotic massage
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Mission Objective: Find a masseuse who could jerk out my final 2018 load.
Target: Local Asian Massage Parlor
Potential Threats: Early closures due to New Years Eve, Crazy traffic, Drunk masseuses
I found myself bored and horny on New Years Eve and figured an erotic massage would tick all the boxes. I had a couple of hours to spare before I had to start punishing my liver so I figured, why not coat the hands or tonsils of a hot asian masseuse with my creamy new years resolution? Fired off a few texts to some private massage girls I regularly see but they either didn’t reply or indicated that they were busy getting ready for the evening’s festivities which I couldn’t blame them for.
This meant I needed a backup plan and would have to try a new girl which was both exciting and risky as it would suck to get a dud right before a night of partying, I’d have to be choosy! I had spotted a number of new AMP’s (Asian Massage Parlor) that had opened up in a nearby suburb and figured I’d give them a try and see if we could find an erotic massage. Now I wasn’t sure that a sensual massage or extras were on offer but I knew I was in with a chance at one as some retard had posted the following Google review;
“Nice girl Yumi, works at reception and does massage, attractive girl, good extras”
Guys, don’t post dumb shit like this. You may think you’re doing your fellow massage addicts or even the girls a favor by letting us know that a happy ending is on offer. All you’re really doing is notifying the local council, police or community prudes that more than a massage is going on. This could result in the shop being investigated, raided or even closed down. None of us get any extras if the girls are out of work because the shop got shut-down so please, shut the fuck up and keep extras on the down-low. Erotic Massage Parlor reviews should not be left for public consumption!
I pulled up out front and the shop was facing a busy street which is never ideal. Whilst it didn’t look seedy like some of the asian massage parlor’s do, it definitely had the look of a shop where more than a massage could take place. How could I tell?, well, after years of visiting erotic massage parlors, I can usually detect if more than a massage might be on offer. This shop displayed many of the indicators of a happy ending venue such as neon lighting and late operating hours.
Many of the asian massage parlor’s have a rear entrance so if you are concerned about the wife, colleagues or the Illuminati seeing you enter then call ahead and ask if they have a rear entrance (I’m going to avoid this joke completely). I’m single so I didn’t give a fuck about being seen and walked into the reception area and looked around. I couldn’t see any staff but the shop was clean (good), dim (better) and just didn’t have that therapeutic spa feel that always results in blue balls.
Now, I had made a promise to myself, I was going to decline and walk out of any venue that was staffed by anyone older than me (I’m in my mid 30’s for reference). Far too many asian massage parlor’s nowadays are filled with masseuses so old that someone should declare “Welcome to Jurassic Park!” as you walk in. If massage addicts like myself stopped paying these golden girls for massages/extras then they’d soon cotton on that the hiring of younger masseuses with smoother skin, firmer breasts and teeth that stay-in would lead to better business. Thankfully where I’m from, many of the staff are drawn from the student / backpacker population so it’s not hard to find an attractive under 25 masseuse if you look.
As I went to ring the bell, a stunningly cute Asian girl with a huge smile and wearing overalls came bounding from the back and gave me a cheery hello. Having seen the overalls, I knew extras were likely on the cards as any establishment that let’s their staff dress casually isn’t one that demands professionalism and strict rules. Personally I think it’s smart business to have your girls dress in uniforms as it makes the place seem legit. If a cop or housewife walks in and she sees the masseuse wearing a tight dress or heels (not even kidding, I’ve had massages from girls wearing heels) then right away suspicion is going to creep in – but hey, it’s not my business.
“Can I get a one hour massage please ” I asked
“Ohhh! I’m so sorry, we are closing early today!”
“Totally understand and all good, have a great New Years”
“You too! Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you a very good massage ok”
I chuckled and told her I would but I knew the only extras I’d be getting tomorrow would be a hangover induced migraine. Marking her down for a return visit (she was hot! and will make a great entry to my erotic massage parlor reviews), I exited the building and made my way over to the next asian massage parlor which was crazily enough on the very same road. Now I made a mistake here, I should have checked Google reviews here as this always helps your hunt in a couple of ways;
You’re probably thinking “C’mon my dude, no asian massage parlor with 1 star reviews would still be in business!”
Wrong – I swear on my dads fleshlight that unbeknownst to me, the second asian massage parlor I visited had a 1 fucking star rating with 20+ glorious reviews such as these;
“This Chineses massage women at this asian massage parlor tried very hard to solicit me to buy illicit services and got full blown berserk and insulting when I told her no”
“God awful service and disgusting attitude”
“This massage shop is undoubtedly a SCAM. The masseuses pictured online look nothing like the staff”
Totally unaware of this, I walk inside to find a really crammed shop and again no staff in view. I ring the bell and patiently wait, a minute goes by and I ring again whilst mentally telling myself that I’ll leave if no further response. Just as I’m about to bail, an overweight mid 50’s looking Chinese lady comes barreling down the asian massage parlor stairs huffing and puffing and demands in a clearly annoyed voice;
Off to a good start here!, she didn’t even open with the usual “How may I help you?” or “would you like a massage sir” – what the fuck does she think I want? I had been determined to stick to my rule of not accepting a massage from anyone with menopause and she was making my decision much easier. Now I still managed to be polite and didn’t just walk out and I feigned interest and said;
“Sorry can I errr just grab a business card, are you open tomorrow on the public holiday?”
“You interrupt to ask for business card? I have stop massage to serve you” she snarled
Jesus christ lady, don’t blame me because you don’t have any other fucking staff! I just smiled, thanked her and walked out and wondered who the poor bastard was getting massaged by Mamasan Diabetus. After later reading the reviews it all made sense and thank fuck I was wise enough to walk out of this asian massage parlor.
Now I was down to the final asian massage parlor which was off a side-road to the first two Asian massage parlors. I always find that baffling, why setup business a couple of blocks down from another AMP when we have tonnes of suburbs without one? I guess 1 star Lo-Pan doesn’t amount to much competition but it just means guys can be choosy when they only have to drive a street to checkout who ha
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