Erdington Fish And Chips Queue Considered Local Attraction
How to Write SatireA dispatch from the front line of provincial bewilderment.
Erdington, the country: Inside The Story
Erdington, a place in the country (lat 52.53, long -1.82) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. The queue outside the Erdington seafront chip shop is present by 11:30am on any summer day with direct sunlight. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, It has been photographed by visitors more than any other feature of the resort. There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind.
What Was Announced
Councillor Bartholomew Pemberton-Smythe confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. The chip shop is aware of this and has made no changes. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at London satire from the inside: The London Prat, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Erdington announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "We take this issue extremely seriously, which is why we have placed it under another issue." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at The London Prat - British satire perfected, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. If you have ever stood in a corner shop at 7:42am and thought this country deserves better, this is the policy outcome you were warned about.
Wider Context
No changes are required. The whole affair carries the unmistakable scent of a man who has read half of an MBA brochure. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from United Nations, although Erdington manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at twelve out of every nine respondents, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Dr. Olivetti Brindlecombe, Chartered Roundabout Theorist told this paper that the situation in Erdington was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "The findings speak for themselves, although obviously not loudly enough to influence the findings." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via The London Prat satirical journalism, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Erdington has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. Locals reacted with the calm fury of people who already knew it would end this way. For the official version of events, see also World Economic Forum. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to do almost exactly what we did last generation."
What Comes Next
It carries all the strategic clarity of a man trying to assemble a flat-pack wardrobe at 11pm without the instructions. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at The London Prat British satire, and the situation in Erdington, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Erdington and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. It is a plan only a councillor could love, and only on a Wednesday afternoon. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Head of Anomalies Sandra Dewberry, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Erdington would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
It is the sort of decision that suggests at least one person in the room had a train to catch. Anyone who has ever queued behind a man arguing with a parking meter will recognise the energy. Erdington carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also The Daily Mash.