Emperor Sex
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Emperor Sex
What Song Would Matthew Modine Use to Escape Vecna?
What Song Would Matthew Modine Use to Escape Vecna?
The emperors of Rome could be wise, just and kind. They could also be vindictive, cruel and insane. And most of all, they could be the worst perverts the world has ever seen — at least according to ancient historians like Suetonius, Pliny, and Cassius Dio. Here are nearly a dozen of the most immoral, disgusting behaviors the rulers of the ancient world indulged in... supposedly. Chances are most of these were rumors made up by political enemies or gossiping plebs. But hey, just because they may not be true doesn't mean they're aren't still entertainingly perverse.
The Emperor Claudius married his brother's daughter Agrippina (his brother being long dead, thank goodness). "[H]is affections were ensnared by the wiles of Agrippina, daughter of his brother Germanicus, aided by the right of exchanging kisses and the opportunities for endearments offered by their relationship; and at the next meeting of the senate he induced some of the members to propose that he be compelled to marry Agrippina, on the ground that it was for the interest of the State; also that others be allowed to contract similar marriages, which up to that time had been regarded as incestuous." Yes, Claudius didn't just make niece-marrying legal, he made it patriotic!
No judgments on anal sex here, but putting professional anal sex experts on the imperial payroll is a bit much. "On retiring to Capri [Tiberius] devised a pleasance for his secret orgies: teams of wantons of both sexes, selected as experts in deviant intercourse and dubbed analists, copulated before him in triple unions to excite his flagging passions." In case these pros were somehow not up to the tasks Tiberius put them too, he had a sex library full of illustrated works so he could just point to what he wanted.
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Nero was so into being as depraved as possible — he supposedly defiled every single part of his body — that he had to think up some pretty original ways to keep it fresh. "[H]e at last devised a kind of game, in which, covered with the skin of some wild animal, he was let loose from a cage and attacked the private parts of men and women, who were bound to stakes, and when he had sated his mad lust, was dispatched by his freedman Doryphorus."
Say what you want about Caligula, but he was really, really good at incest. "He lived in habitual incest with all his sisters, and at a large banquet he placed each of them in turn below him, while his wife reclined above." His sister Drusilla was his favorite, having had sex with her when he was but a boy, and when they were grown, he simply took her from her legal husband for more fun. His other sisters, he was somewhat less fond of, and thus he only often prostituted them. So he wasn't just a sister-fucker, but a sister-pimp. Fun!
Here's an idea you've probably never had to make those long road trips more enjoyable: Set up stops full of prostitutes along your way! And when you do, thank Nero. "Whenever he drifted down the Tiber to Ostia, or sailed about the Gulf of Baiae, booths were set up at intervals along the banks and shores, fitted out for debauchery, while bartering matrons played the part of inn-keepers and from every hand solicited him to come ashore." Better than vending machines, that's for sure.
In terms of sexual depravity, Nero even put Caligula to shame by going to the source (so to speak) and having sex with his own mother Agrippina. How did people know? "[S]o they say, whenever he [Nero] rode in a litter with his mother, he had incestuous relations with her, which were betrayed by the stains on his clothing." Later, when Nero was Emperor, people tried to keep him from fucking his mother, mostly because they were afraid that would Agrippina would get too much power from the relationship. It should probably go without saying that eventually Nero tried to murder his mother by putting her on break-apart boat, right?
Caligula was fond of spending money, but not so good at making it. After depleting the coffers at one point, he had the bright idea to turn the palace into an impromptu whorehouse. "To leave no kind of plunder untried, he opened a brothel in his palace, setting apart a number of rooms and furnishing them to suit the grandeur of the place, where matrons and freeborn youths should stand exposed. Then he sent his pages about the fora and basilicas, to invite young men and old to enjoy themselves, lending money on interest to those who came and having clerks openly take down their names, as contributors to Caesar's revenues." Rest assured, those who enjoyed themselves on credit eventually paid up, one way or another.
The Emperor Elagabalus, who ruled from 203-222 AD, outdid Caligula in this regard: Elagabagus set up a brothel in the palace… and pimped himself . "Finally, he set aside a room in the palace and there committed his indecencies, always standing nude at the door of the room, as the harlots do, and shaking the curtain which hung from gold rings, while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by. There were, of course, men who had been specially instructed to play their part. For, as in other matters, so in this business, too, he had numerous agents who sought out those who could best please him by their foulness. He would collect money from his patrons and give himself airs over his gains; he would also dispute with his associates in this shameful occupation, claiming that he had more lovers than they and took in more money." If only all politicians were so... flexible when it came to balancing the budget.
I'm not talking about gay marriage here, at least not really. I'm talking about Nero taking a man and "making him a woman" in the worst way possible: "He castrated the boy Sporus and actually tried to make a woman of him; and he married him with all the usual ceremonies, including a dowry and a bridal veil, took him to his house attended by a great throng, and treated him as his wife." Eunuchs — when having sex with men and women just isn't enough any more.
Emperor Tiberius loved to swim, and he apparently also loved being pleasured by children. In a feat of inspiration, he managed to combine both these hobbies into one: "he trained little boys (whom he termed tiddlers) to crawl between his thighs when he went swimming and tease him with their licks and nibbles." It's like the world's most perverted aquarium!
I'm sorry, did you think Tiberius' "Tiddlers" were bad? He also used to get blowjobs from babies . "Unweaned babies he would put to his organ as though to the breast, being by both nature and age rather fond of this form of satisfaction." AAAUUGH.
While not technically an Emperor, as wife of Claudius Messalina was an Empress, and she has the honor of having one of the earliest gangbangs in record history. And it was a contest, too! "Messalina, the wife of Claudius Cæsar, thinking this a palm quite worthy of an empress, selected, for the purpose of deciding the question, one of the most notorious of the women who followed the profession of a hired prostitute; and the empress outdid her, after continuous intercourse, night and day, at the twenty-fifth embrace." Needless to say, when Claudius found out he was so depressed he ended up marrying his niece. Oh, and had Messalina killed, obviously.
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The Chinese emperors kept themselves secluded from their subjects and were largely confined to their palaces. Some emperors rarely left their palaces except to go hunting or visit their ancestors graves. The Ming dynasty ruler, Emperor Wam-li, virtually imprisoned himself within the Forbidden City with his wives and concubines. Even his ministers of state were not allowed to address him directly and whenever he traveled the roads were cleared so no one could see him.
The emperor often ate alone, attended only by his eunuchs. Meal times was often fixed at 8:00am for breakfast and 1:00pm for supper. With the exception of drinks and a snack in the evening, the emperor often consumed nothing else.
The royal physician was forbidden from touching the emperor directly. To check the emperor's pulse at a respectful distance, a member of the court attached a thread to emperor's wrist and the physician grasped the thread.
In the 16th century Matteo Ricci wrote: "The kings... abandoned the custom of going out in public...When they did leave the royal enclosure, they would never dare to do so without a thousand preliminary precautions. On such occasions the whole court was placed under military guard. Secret servicemen were placed along the route over which the King was to travel and on all roads leading into it. He was not only hidden from view, but the public never knew in which of the palanquins of the cortege he was actually riding. One would think he was making a journey through enemy country rather than among multitudes of his own subjects."
Emperors weren't the only ones who received this kind of treatment. Commoners had to kowtow (lay down forward on all fours and touch one's head to the ground) in the presence of high officials.
Some Emperors and high officials sometimes disguised themselves as ordinary people so the could learn what the masses were thinking.
Good Websites and Sources: List of Emperors and Other World Historical Leaders friesian.com/sangoku ; List of Emperors PaulNoll.com ; Wikipedia Long List with references to major historical events Wikipedia ; Wikipedia shorter list Wikipedia Court Life During the Time of Empress Dowager Cixi etext.virginia.edu ; Book: "Chronicle of the Chinese Emperor" by Ann Paludan. Forbidden City: Book: "Forbidden City" by Frances Wood, a British Sinologist. Web Sites FORBIDDEN CITY factsanddetails.com/china ; Wikipedia ; UNESCO World Heritage Site Sites World Heritage Site ; Temple of Heaven: Wikipedia Wikipedia UNESCO World Heritage Site UNESCO World Heritage Site ; Chinese History: 2) Chinese Text Project ctext.org ; 3) Visual Sourcebook of Chinese Civilization depts.washington.edu ; Chaos Group of University of Maryland chaos.umd.edu/history/toc ; 2) WWW VL: History China vlib.iue.it/history/asia ; 3) Wikipedia article on the History of China Wikipedia
Books: “Daily Life in Traditional China: The Tang Dynasty”by Charles Benn, Greenwood Press, 2002; "Cambridge History of China" Vol. 3 (Cambridge University Press); "The Culture and Civilization of China", a massive, multi-volume series, (Yale University Press)
RELATED ARTICLES IN THIS WEBSITE: TANG, SONG AND YUAN DYNASTIES factsanddetails.com ; CHINESE DYNASTIES AND RULERS factsanddetails.com ;
CHINESE EMPEROR AND IMPERIAL RULE IN ANCIENT CHINA factsanddetails.com ;
DOCUMENTS, SEALS AND MAPS OF THE CHINESE EMPEROR factsanddetails.com ;
EUNUCHS IN CHINA factsanddetails.com ;
CHINESE SCHOLAR-OFFICIALS AND THE IMPERIAL CHINESE BUREAUCRACY factsanddetails.com
CHINESE LITERATI AND SCHOLAR-ARTIST-POETS factsanddetails.com ;
CHINESE IMPERIAL EXAMS factsanddetails.com
Imperial concubinage wasn’t all it was made out to be. One character in the 18th century novel Dream of a Red Mansion said, “how much happier are those whose home is a hut in field, who eat salt and pickles and wear clothes of cotton, than she is who is endowed with wealth and rank, but separated from her flesh and blood.”
More than 200 Imperial concubines reportedly died on the orders of the 16th century emperor Shizon, Hoping to escape their fate, 16 members of Shizon’s harem snuck into his chamber to strangle him with a silken scarf and stab him with a hairpin. In the struggle the Emperor lost an eye but survived with the help of his Empress. The concubines were punished nu having their limbs pulled off thier bodies and their heads were displayed on poles.
There were eight levels of concubines. Concubines and eunuch often formed close friendships.
Emperors also had male consorts. According to legend the Han Dynasty Emperor Ai said he would rather cut off the sleeve of his robe than disturb his male lover who had fallen asleep on it. Some Chinese still refer to homosexuality as “the passion of the sleeve.”
The Emperors had many women to keep them occupied. One emperor in the 11th century had 121 women (the nearest round number of one third of 365, the number of days in a year) at his immediate disposal, including one empress, three consorts, nine spouses, twenty-seven concubines, and eighty-one assistant concubines. See Sui Dynasty. Some emperors believed they could gain immortality form having sex with as many women as possible but never ejaculating. See Yellow Emperor.
Emperor Wu Of Jin (reigned 266 to 290 B.C.) let a goat choose his concubines Mark Oliver wrote in Listverse: “Emperor Wu dedicated most of his time to his harem. He would pull every pretty girl he could find out of her home to make her his concubine, especially preying on his officials’ daughters. This, for Emperor Wu, was important work—so much so that he made it a crime to get married until he was finished picking his concubines. By the end, Emperor Wu had more than 10,000 women in his harem. To choose his partner for the night, he would ride around in a cart drawn by goats. When the goats stopped, he’d sleep with whichever woman they’d brought him to. [Source: Mark Oliver. Listverse, January 12, 2017]
Emperor Xuanzong (reigned A.D. 713-756) had 40,000 concubines. Traditionally, in Xuanzong’s time, emperors would release their concubines when their reign came to an end. Since it often only took a couple of years for someone to get fed up and assassinate the king, that meant that being a concubine was only a temporary position. Xuanzong, however, stubbornly refused to die. His reign went on for 44 years, and his harem just kept getting bigger. By the end, he had over 40,000 women. Xuanzong almost certainly didn’t have time to meet them all, so instead, they just sat around learning poetry, mathematics, and the classics and taking care of mulberry trees. That doesn’t mean he stopped adding to his harem, though. When he was 60 years old, Xuanzong made his own son divorce his wife so that he could make his daughter-in-law one of his concubines.
“Traditionally, in Xuanzong’s time, emperors would release their concubines when their reign came to an end. Since it often only took a couple of years for someone to get fed up and assassinate the king, that meant that being a concubine was only a temporary position.
“Xuanzong, however, stubbornly refused to die. His reign went on for 44 years, and his harem just kept getting bigger. By the end, he had over 40,000 women. Xuanzong almost certainly didn’t have time to meet them all, so instead, they just sat around learning poetry, mathematics, and the classics and taking care of mulberry trees.
“That doesn’t mean he stopped adding to his harem, though. When he was 60 years old, Xuanzong made his own son divorce his wife so that he could make his daughter-in-law one of his concubines. [Source: Mark Oliver. Listverse, January 12, 2017]
Emperors also had male consorts. According to legend the Han Dynasty Emperor Ai said he would rather cut off the sleeve of his robe than disturb his male lover who had fallen asleep on it. Some Chinese still refer to homosexuality as “the passion of the sleeve.” Imperial women also indulged themselves. Empress Wu Ze Tian was a 7th century ruler who was previously a nun and then a concubine and briefly changed the Tang dynasty’s name to Zhou. She had her own harem of men.
One of Emperor Yongzheng's Twelve Beauties
It was believed that organizing the Emperor's sex life into a regimented order was essential to maintaining the well-being of the entire Chinese empire. The great Chinese calendar clocks of the 10th century were not used to keep track of time but rather to decide the schedule, rotation and time for the women who slept with the Emperor. Secretaries kept record of the Emperor's sex life with brushes dipped in imperial vermillion.
In China and some other Asian countries age is determined from the moment of conception not from the moment of birth. The Imperial Chinese believed that women were most likely to conceive on the nights nearest the full moon, when the Yin, or female influence, was strong enough to match the potent Yang, or male force, of the Emperor. It was believed that on these nights children with strong virtues would be produced. As a result the empress and spouses slept with Emperor around the full moon and the lower ranking women, whose main function was to nourish the Emperor's Yang with their Yin, slept with him around the time of the new moon. [Source: "The Discoverers" by Daniel Boorstin]
A rotation described in the Record of the Rites of the Chou dynasty (1120-256 B.C.) was as follows: "The lower-ranking [women] come first, the higher ranking come last. The assistant concubines, eighty-one in number, share the imperial couch nine nights in groups of nine. The nine spouses and the three consorts are allotted one night to each group, and the empress also alone one night. On the fifteenth day of every month the sequence is complete, after which it repeats in reverse order." [Source: "The Discoverers" by Daniel Boorstin]
Some emperors kept the names of their favorite wives, consorts and concubines on jade tablets kept in their bed chambers. The most active emperors had 50 or more of these tablets. When an emperor selected the woman he wanted he turned over the tablet with her name on a teak table. A eunuch then rushed to the woman's chamber, took off her clothes to make sure she wasn't concealing a weapon, wrapped her in gold cloth, carried her through the palace since she could barely walk with her bound feet and deposited her at the foot of the emperor's bed. The eunuch then recorded the date to verify later whether or not the emperor was the father of any children born to the woman.
Emperor travelling in a palanquin
In imperial times, visitors to the emperor were expected to drop to the floor and knock their foreheads on the floor nine times to show respect. Some emperors reportedly tested the loyalty of their ministers by bringing in a donkey and calling it horse and asking the minister what he thought. If the mister called it a donkey he was executed. If he called it a horse he was promoted.
Emperors liked to portray themselves as scholars and art lovers. Perhaps the best example of this was the Emperor Qianlong (1736-1796), regarded as China’s last great emperor. See Emperor Qianlong, Qing Dynasty.
Baixiyong were performers who entertained the court with acrobatics, singing, dancing, magic and feats of strength.
Often an emperor was served hundreds of dishes during meal time but ate only a few bites here and there. At banquets he ate at a table on a platform raised above the guests. A Jesuit priest who attended one of these banquets in 1727 wrote: “Every time the Emperor says a word...one must kneel down and hit one’s head on the ground. This has to be done every time someone serves him something to drink.”
The emperors of China lived in luxury rivaled only by the Bourbons of France, the Romonavs of Russia, the Hapsburgs of Austria, and the Moguls of India.
A testimony to the Emperor's wealth is the contents of the Forbidden City in Beijing and the Palace Museum in Taiwan. All of the things kept in these places belonged to the Emperor. See Beijing and Taiwan.
The Chinese emperors used four-story umbrellas that looked like pagodas, wer
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