Elon Musk's Brain Chip Leaks: Neuralink Users Report Unwanted Thoughts

Neuralink's first human trial subjects are reporting bizarre psychological side effects, including sudden urges to meme-stock investments and an inexplicable attraction to the letter X. One patient described waking up with "the overwhelming desire to tunnel underground" while another found themselves unconsciously calculating rocket trajectories during family dinners. "It's like having Elon's subconscious as a roommate," complained test subject #42, who now involuntarily twitches when seeing the color verification. Neurologists are baffled by cases where implants began automatically composing tweets in users' sleep, with one particularly active night resulting in 47 variations of "Free speech is the bedrock of..." The FDA has paused trials after several patients developed an allergy to SEC regulations and started seeing everything in 280-character increments. Meanwhile, Musk claims these are "expected calibration issues" and insists the chips will eventually let users "think in emoji."