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The first thing I noticed about her was her skin. It was alabaster, smooth like butter and translucent. Her hair, a lustrous brown, sat full-bodied above her collar bone, flirting with her shoulders every time she’d throw her hair back and laugh, which was often.
Sitting in meetings with her at the prominent literary agency where we both worked left me feeling weak. Usually never short of things to say, in her presence, I’d marvel at her ability to drain all quips from my mind, leaving my mouth bone-dry. But I knew the cliché and I refused to succumb to the stereotype of being the young, ambitious 25-year-old who screws the boss.
I’d come out when I was 17 and been disowned by my parents. I’d moved to London and been in and out relationships and casual flings. She was 40 and had been married for 10 years, with three children under the age of 10. The agency we worked for also represented her husband, an esteemed writer, so I knew I absolutely couldn’t go there.
Except one night, I did. I’d been at the company for around two years, working hard to secure advancements for myself all the while struggling to relax around her. But she gave nothing away. No odd winks or lingering favouritism, just an aloof air of power.
Our team were out celebrating a victory signing, when I first felt her eyes on me from across the table. I instantly assumed I must be getting the wrong end of the stick. But several glasses of wine later, my mouth was on hers and she was pushing me against the bathroom wall, as we clumsily tumbled in a stall, fumbling with our belt buckles. How could she go from practically never acknowledging my existence to pouncing on me? I felt vindicated in my feelings for her; there must have been something there all along, she had just been very good at suppressing it. After several swift orgasms in the cubicle, we returned to the table and our unsuspecting cohort of colleagues.
Our relationship gained a momentum of its own and before either of us realised, we were sleeping together every day. Sometimes first thing in the morning before anybody else arrived at the office, sometimes during a quick trip to the loo before nipping to Pret, sometimes once the last person had left for the day and it was just the two of us.
All I wanted was to be with her full-time, and for it to be out in the open that we were together
When we were together it felt electric, my heartbeat thumping furiously. But she was also the manager, the lawyer and the HR at our tiny agency, which was still in its infancy, so everything had to be secret. Six months after our toilet cubicle frisson, we were post-coital and slumped on the office floor after having sex on her desk. While I tucked into slices of Franco Manca pizza she’d ordered on the company account, she held back, glancing at the floor, before blurting out that she loved me. She’d never felt this way before and had finally realised she was gay.
In the office, nothing changed. Both of us swore not to tell anyone else. I dodged questions from friends about my relationship status like bullets - the lies were worth it for the delirium I felt when I was with her.
My boss confided in me the ennui she felt in her marriage. The sexuality she’d neatly packed into a box. She’d been with a woman before; when she masturbated, it was to lesbian porn, and when her husband performed acts on her, she told me the only way she could get aroused was to imagine it was a woman doing those things to her.
When she suggested, out of the blue and six months into our affair, that she was ready to tell our company directors about our relationship, I was secretly thrilled. This meant it was real! She had an inkling our directors already knew and had been mulling it over for a few weeks, she told me. She wanted to be honest with our directors so they could help us to map out how to tell her husband without severing his ties to the business. They took it well, even admitting that we’d had chemistry from the offset. We were finally free to love each other.
Her husband reacted surprisingly well too, suggesting that they enrol in therapy to help both of them exit their long-standing relationship. I took this as my cue to make a commitment and said I would move to the suburbs to be with her and her three children, once her husband had moved out.
To know that I could finally come clean to my worrisome friends felt liberating beyond belief. I didn’t care about sacrificing my youth to move to outer London with a swarm of forty-somethings. All I wanted was to be with her full-time, and for it to be out in the open that we were together.
Except, two weeks after she’d told her husband, I learned that that he hadn’t moved out and neither had she. She texted me to say that she could no longer carry on seeing me. She told me over WhatsApp that it was too overwhelming for her to tell people, to be honest about who she was, and ultimately who I still am. She felt too bludgeoned by people’s expectations of her, too stifled by her shame, and told me that I should live out my youth while it’s still mine. Before I could reply, she’d blocked me.
The lies were worth it for the delirium I felt when I was with her
The next day, she also blocked me on iMessage, Instagram and Twitter, claiming it was best for both of us. Work was strange for a while, as we shuffled past each other, barely acknowledging the other’s existence, let alone what we’d shared. Our company directors feigned ignorance and, obviously, none of our fellow colleagues had known anything at all, meaning I felt increasingly isolated.
On my first day back to the office, I hardly looked up from my desk, intentionally turning my back on the floor-to-ceiling glass windows that surrounded her office and slipped out of the door as soon as the clock struck 6pm. In an attempt to distract myself from work, I began sleeping with an army of women, feeling numbed by a dizzying level of promiscuity in the wake of our split.
This was six months ago. I heard recently that she and her husband were in therapy, working to reconcile and renew their vows and, surprisingly, felt nothing. Then I met somebody new and, as though she had a censor attached to me, my boss unblocked me and texted to ask how I am. I didn’t reply, I don’t need to go back to the secrets and lies, however thrilling they were.
If you've got a story that you think would work for The Secret Lives of Women, please email secretlives@elleuk.com
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10 Adult Entertainers Who Died Tragically Young

By Alex Matsuo
Published Jun 25, 2014

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There's no doubt that while the adult entertainment industry is one of the most profitable markets in the world, it can take a toll on its stars. Of course, the adult entertainment industry isn't usua
There's no doubt that while the adult entertainment industry is one of the most profitable markets in the world, it can take a toll on its stars. Of course, the adult entertainment industry isn't usually solely responsible for the suffering surrounding one of their actors in the midst of turmoil, but the media is quick to blame the industry should there ever be a tragic death or suicide.
Recently, as the adult entertainment industry expands and diversifies, it seems more and more adult performers really could be your next door neighbor or the classmate sitting next to you. In a particularly high-profile example of the changing tide, it was recently revealed that a student of the prestigious Duke University in the U.S.A., Belle Knox, has been using paychecks from adult entertainment work to cover her tuition fees. Unfortunately for student Alyssa Funke, who found herself in a similar situation, the bullying became too much for her to handle and she took her own life. Knox has, however, been admirably weathering the storm of criticism she's received. But these cases highlight, perhaps, that the ease of entering the adult entertainment industry has caused many young people to overlook the potentially tragic fallout.
Along with great successes in any industry, there is sure to be tragedy, and the adult entertainment business is more volatile and pressured than many. Below, we've recounted ten tales of adult entertainers who have met tragic endings to not only their careers, but also their lives. Despite what your thoughts are on the adult entertainment industry and their actors, there's no question that any premature death is a tragic one. The question we all must ask is, what is the cause? Can all these deaths be attributed to the influence of the adult entertainment industry on performers' lives, or does it merely take a backseat as other circumstances contribute to the tragic way in which these actors' lives ended?
Claudia Fielers was a well-known and popular adult entertainer working in films in Germany, who committed suicide at the tragically young age of 23. Fielers went into the industry to help pay for medical school as well as to support her child as a single mother. She performed in several movies, and during the filming of her last film, she had an argument with the director. Fielers then went to a park called “The English Garden” and proceeded to imbibe poison, which ended her life. Instead of trying to honor her in that film, the director replaced her.
If you’ve ever watched the Lifetime movie, “Shattered Innocence”, then you probably have an idea about the tragic life of Shauna Grant, who took her life at just 20. After graduating high school, Grant moved to Los Angeles with her boyfriend, where she started nude modeling to pay the bills. She eventually transitioned to film, and her career boomed. She earned over $100,000 from her brief two-year stint in the industry. At the time, she was battling a cocaine addiction. After retiring from the industry, she was dealing with turmoil in her personal life with a new boyfriend having been imprisoned for shady business practices, all of which probably contributed to Grant's tragic choice to end her life.
In 1990, adult entertainment star Megan Leigh was found dead in her home in Solano, CA from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Her career started at the age of 18 when she became a stripper in San Francisco, CA. While her bosses didn't think she was much, she became one of the most popular strippers making over a grand in tips per week. She eventually segued into film and photography when she became an overnight sensation. Around the late eighties, she began to abuse drugs, however, which is the decisive factor that's believed to have led to Leigh's suicide.
Kelly Van Dyke-Nance was already a famous name as the daughter of Jerry Van Dyke, the star of “Coach”, and the wife of “Twin Peaks” star Jack Nance - and as the niece of Hollywood legend Dick Van Dyke . So how does someone with such stellar Hollywood connections end up in the adult entertainment industry? It's hard to say, but it seems the pressure of establishing a legitimate career in Hollywood along with apparent Christian guilt were just some of the things tormenting this young adult performer, to the point that she took her own life in 1991, at age 33.
Savannah, also known as Sharon Wilsey, was a well known adult entertainer, most famous for relations with Slash, Billy Joel , and Axl Rose . She was also known for using cocaine, and for having an alcohol problem. On the night of July 11 th , 1994, after crashing her Corvette, breaking her nose, and while in the process of dealing with overwhelming debt to the IRS, Savannah shot herself.
Alex Jordan entered the adult entertainment industry in 1992, becoming a well known star quickly. In 1995, at the age of 31, Jordan was found hanging in her closet from what was initially perceived as suicide. However, adult entertainment mogul Ron Jeremy later stated that it may have been possible that Jordan was in the process of autoerotic asphyxiation at the time of her death. Whatever the circumstances, Jordan had a bright future ahead of her, and it was cut tragically short.
Naughtia Childs’ death has been debated since it occurred in 2002. Some say it was a suicide, while others cry murder. Witnesses also testified that Childs might have been under the influence of acid and LSD at the time of her death. Police confirmed that she landed feet first from a fall that started from the 4 th floor of her apartment complex. Childs starred in over forty adult entertainment features and was considered to be the next starlet in the industry before her life was cut short under these mysterious circumstances.
American adult actress Angela Devi, a New Yorker from a Punjabi
Giant Lactating Nipples
Silvie Abbywinters
Girl Showing Her Asshole

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