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Below are some of the classic tasteless stories that I've posted to my jokelist for Tasteless Tuesdays. I give credit top their original authors, if known. These stories are not, by the farthest stretches of the word, for the faint of heart. You will find tales of just about everything that strips humanity of any shred of decency... retard persecution, monumental defecations, medical procedures, self surgery, and all sorts of juicy stuff. Please, for your own sake, do NOT write in to me and piss and moan that something you've read here offends you. I don't give a flying fuck .
The Africola Bottle
...Tom grabbed the Afri cola bottle firmly in his left hand, and after removing his pecker from her juicy twat, pushed just a little bit of the top of it into her sphincter. She let a moan just a little bit louder as he did this. I thought that this was going to be good...
Bessie The Bloated Cow
...soon as the hose hit the rumen, a friggin gyser shot out the exposed end of the hose. A green/black fluid shot out at mach 5, completely covering the vet, my uncle and the entire dairy floor of the stall. Lucky me had been shoveling cow crap...
Crazy Crap Eater
...This is where things started getting worse and worse. We opened the door to check on her and got the biggest shock of our lives. She had shit alright, but she had grabbed it by the hands full and smeared it over every inch of her body. I can't remember seeing a clean spot on her...
A Fistula
...I really began to think so when after taking a fairly soft crap, I was amazed to find that shit was coming out of my pimple head!! But the only way that could be was if... Oh my god! The fucker goes all the way through!! I felt sick. This was just too weird. I was defective...
Impacted Bowels
...and lets loose with a repeater tidal wave of liquid shit that splattered everyone in the "backside 180 degrees" of that room. You'd have thought a SCUD missile was coming our way...I hadn't heard an expulsion like that since...
Jasper the Terrier
...we arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor on is first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his ass and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either...
Perirectal Abscess
...I ended up laying there for what seems like an hour until another ambulance arrives for unconcious asian lady. The three person ambulance crew gets in, fat EMT driving, stupid EMT proding, and new EMT sitting there looking sick...
Life Aboard a Submarine
...The ship came to periscope depth, and lined up to ventilate, the air was thick, the smell inhuman. Or more accurately, all too human. An estimated 500 gallons of human waste was blown into the ship. Think of where you work. What would your company do if the sewer backed up 500 gallons ...
The Gift
...normally when faced with a urine on the wall situation which has the added fun of a lack of cleaning material, one thinks "how on earth am I going to clean this now?" But my mind was locked on the fact that whoever left this massive loaf of gross did now wipe afterwards...
Pelvic Fracture
...he LAUGHED and said "you broke your pelvis in 4 places, one of the worst I've ever seen." It was not funny if you ask me, bastards. Needless to say I got shot up with Morphine and I was never so grateful for anything...
Metal Shaving In Eye
...shows me a picture of my eye. A thin, bright line that went deep into my eye, with only the tiniest of tiny end of it poking out. It was the peice of metal. A quarter of an inch. Don't just imagine it, go find a ruler, and measure out ...
A Girl's Anal Suprise
...Then everything in my world went wrong. I feel something not quite right down there tickling the top of my bone. So, I let go of her tits and straighten up to get a better look. To my horror, I see something that looks like ...
Broken Bones and Chickenlivers
...squeeze the hole like a big nasty zit and that is when it happened. Something let go that was holding back all those blood clots and they started coming out of this nickel sized opening. Some struggled to come, looking like chicken livers as they plopped onto...
Obese Man Dies
...Eventually he choked to death on the combination of fecal material, pus and blood from the dead intestinal track. Even after we were able to confirm his death, the material continued to be forced out from the sheer weight of the fat over his abdomen ...
HPV and the Electric Cooter
...helpful if she shows me what she's taking. Now I'm a skinny person, 5'8" a buck two at the time. The doctor removes a piece about the size of a ping-pong ball. Then another, and another, and another...
Stents in Your Penis
...explains to me exactly what they do. They take an instrument and insert it into the urethra to widen it. Then they take a scraping tool (forgot the exact term for it) and scrape out the scar tissue. Basically he just got his dick weed-eated on the inside...
Ballad Of Bessis The Sad Cow
...Resolving to be rid of Bessie well before the appointed deadline I calmly loaded the farm .22 and went out into the house paddock and placed the muzzle against Bessie’s aged temple. Now the astute observer may have realised by now that ...
The Joys of a Polynydal Cyst
...a hair on my ass got ingrown, but kept growing. It got bigger and bigger and got more and more stuff in there, sweat, more hair, boxer lint, etc. Not that I have a dirty ass, all it takes is one hair, and it even happens to women ...
Toilet/Clothes Hamper Confusion
...The stench was blistering. The kind to peel paint off walls. I'd never smelled shit quite like this before. Heather and I stood there; we didn't know what to do. Should we wake up Joy and tell her what happened? Or should we clean it up...
Porn Clerk Puke
...got up and opened the door, finished shitting, puked again and realized there was no toilet paper. There was, however, a fresh brand new spaghetti mop. I unwrapped it and started to mop off the shit all over my ass...
Missing Part Of His Ass
...This is the most disgusting and un-nerving thing I have ever seen in my life. I am missing ass. Missing. Gone. Outta here. Imagine an ice cream scoop about the diameter of a quarter. Imagine that scoop being used to gouge...
Slipping In Cheese Coneys
...suddenly can't hold my head up. My mouth opens and what spewed forth could only be described as partially digested cheese, chili with a bit of hot dog throw in for good measure. I heard the splat as it hit the tile, my stomach cramped...
I Shat In My Porsche
...refreshing shock overwhelmed me as I realized the bathroom had just been cleaned for the night and the toilet seat was piss-free. A not-so-refreshing shock overwhelmed me as I realized that because the bathroom had been cleaned for the night ...
Airport Parking Lot
...a reasonably wide stance. I now know this because although I did get my pants off as to not soil them too much while they were on... I did manage to completely cover the back of the legs of my jeans my shoes and somehow one of my socks with greasy shit...
Boar's Nuts Pork
...Have you ever cooked some pork that while cooking it smelled very much like someone's under arm odor? (and tasted like it?) That happens when they kill a full grown boar hog that still had his nuts on him, not a barrow, which is a "cut" boar. My grandad had a neat trick to keep that from happening...
Interview with the Cannibal Kid
...not bad. The part of the woman around the pussy hole is like lips. Sort of chewy and rubbery. The balls are damned good when fried. Use a little batter and a fryer and it's a real treat. Crispy. Like a crispy chestnut. Fresh fried balls is one of my favorites...
Condom Stuck on Kitty
...he starts feeling around to diagnose what the problem is. He grabs hold of whatever it is, realizes it's loose. Begins to pull it slowly, until he has extracted the item from the cat's fur. He looks at it for a full second...
Sleeping Clarissa
...jaw dropping eerie silence as that gorbie finally came to rest viewed by more people than the entire audience of Water Rats. It landed with an audible slap, but by the very nature of its grotesque constituent elements it stuck heartily to the surface...
Premature Cow Birth
...the cow thinks that it's time to give birth. Now, when a cow doesn't have a calf to give birth to, that't means the only thing she has to push out is her uterus. If you catch them in time, you can save the situation...
Severe Edimetriosis
...screamed, like a little girl just screamed and yelled and then turned really white and sat down. The place looked like OJ came by and killed John and Nicole in my basement. My boyfriend and I were covered in blood ...
Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Farts
...on average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track ...
Fart Tag
...fart tag was temporarily postponed while I did the "oops I shit my pants" waddle to the bathroom, praying the whole way that none would escape the elastic and run down my legs. Now the time has come to assess the damage...
Fecal George
...some guy (me!) says, "what would it take for you to eat a spoonful of shit?" Huge sums of money were now being discussed for this tasteless feat. A million dollars was a real common figure. George says something along the lines of, "I'd never let somebody shave my head but I'd probably eat a spoonful of shit for $50." ...
Gothis Girl Bites Back
...she starts working on me, and I just get that relaxed "all is good with the world cause Im being blown" feeling when she takes me three-quarters of the way into her mouth, clamps down on me and rakes her teeth up to the top...
Hell in Vietnam
...I silently slid back to my original position, undetected, to await the effect of my barrage. I suddenly realized that something wet has reached the area of my socks. The Navy Standard Apple Juice had liquefied ...
Hemmorhoid Surgery
...I grab the hand mirror, hop into the bath, spread for the money shot and looked closely. This is the most disgusting and un-nerving thing I have ever seen in my life. I am missing ass. Missing. Gone. Outta here. Imagine an ice cream scoop ...
Tard Kid at mcDonalds
...breathing deep breaths of joy, the door opens. In walks a little adolescent boy and his older brother. I hear the older boy tell his younger brother to" Turn around, let me look at your pants". Then, after some "Aww, man"-ing from the semi-adult, I hear the words ...
No More Coneys For Me
...decided I was going to step over it and go snag a towel. What happened next folks? My heel hit some of the still warm harf. Liquid is slippery. Liquid mixed with partially digested chili, cheese, hot-dogs is even worse...
Bet You Can't Shit Sailor
...he squat down over her face and began to grunt and groan. We were all whooping it up at the sight of this, when we noticed that the bargirl was blowing softly in our friend's asshole. Then we could see him with a funny look on his face, and then strain even harder...
Puking Anna
...looks at me eyes half open, body still swaying. She looks like she is about to say something when it happens. She pukes all over me. Starting with my chest, there is fucking nasty smelling puke streaming down my body all the way to my feet. A tank top and shorts ...
Shit On My Dog
...remember that I haven't let the dog out yet, so I call her. She is a sweet little Rat Terrier that I have had for about 10 years now. But when I call, she doesn't come. That usually means that she has messed somewhere in the house and is in hiding...
Slaughterhouse Info
...thick heads the round will not penetrate the skull and so they are left standing while some parts of their brain may be damaged, when the metal door is opened to roll them down the ramp the bull in a fit of mental retardation springs to life and ransacks the killfloor...
Super Tim and the Mahoo
...young couple laying on some leftover beach mats. We were hushed, peeking around a palm tree only to see this girl/dude going down on Tim's tool like she was a cross between a jackhammer and a Hoover vacuum...
Tard at Wendy's
...Lois says, “I don’t know what you saying.” “Banana mo-wanna, bachew cheese.” This time the Tard was getting very agitated and was pacing around...
The Hairdresser
...and fight the MESS. Trying not to bring up too much dermatitis. I don't want to make her head sensitive for the perm solution. Yellow scales keep showing up on my comb. I brush it off on the towel that I have around her neck, trying not to vomit...
Nurz Ratchet's Seduction
...retorts with a smartass remark about how my ass looks bigger than usual in scrub pants. I snap my gloves. He apologizes. I smile. He doesn't. He looks like he's approaching cardiac arrest. I lean over and whisper, "Let's begin, shall we?" ...
A True Love Story
...came barreling into the bathroom, like my knight in shining armor. He took one look at my face & knew what was going on. "Honey, just let it go." I didn't have time to argue. All I could do was puke up that nice little dinner I'd made the night before...
UPS Christmas Delivery
...as he turned around to survey his masterpiece, the piece of plastic tilted slightly and the log, precariously balancing on the makeshift toilet began to roll slowly toward the edge of the plastic. Quick reflexes weren't enough to salvage the situation...
The White Stuff Inside Me
...see this little itty bitty piece of dry skin hanging off my incision. I just can't leave things alone. So, I snag it and pull it off. Next thing I know out trickles this white stuff. I freak. I suddenly envision my intestines oozing out of this little hole...
Fishing For Turd Burglars
...and while they're all trying to figure out which one of them had floated a Cajun air biscuit, the fish does a big flop and out pops the real bait ... still steaming. It seemed Jimbeau's grogan had found a way home...
Television Repairman
...smashed across the bridge of the nose with a baseball bat that had been shoved up Paul Ess' ass then dragged through a barn full of wet dog hair. It was a palpable stench that one could actually *taste*. As I stepped inside, I closed off my nostrils and felt an involuntary shiver ....
The Crew Of The Kursk (true story)
...the men next to the regeneration unit were killed instantaneously as a result of the explosion. The rest lived a little longer. The explosion immediately consumed all the oxygen, discharging tremendous volumes of carbon monoxide. No-one expected the explosion...
Air Sickness
...bowels shook as I unleashed a mighty avalanche of ShitSludge(tm) into the waiting maw. Great farts ripped fourth with a liquid timbre. I felt a bit relieved, but the stench did elicit a few more dry-heaves. I went downstairs and explained what had happened thus far to my wife....
Grape Nuts Experience
...the Hoover Dam that was my sphincter crumbled like a rice cracker, flooding my jockey shorts with a river of gravel. A beaten man, I simply slumped to the floor, sickened and yet warmed by the tepid mess...
Halloween Hellbender
...Pimp Dog whipped his pants up and shakily got to his feet, but the damage had already been done. The casserole dish spoke for itself, as had the image of the two dogs lapping macaroni & cheese off his nads. Ted and I were simply astonished beyond all comprehension...
Ah, Motherhood
...he does what all little boys will do in a situation like this-- he runs to his Mommy. Except he runs through the red, chunky, smelly vomit on the vinyl floor in his little sock feet. Naturally he slips and falls in the puke. Now all of us are covered. Of course, he begins to wail and I take one look at him and I puke again....
Cook Your Kitty
...Fill the abdominal cavity with fresh herbs. Insert the carrot in the anal vent. Arrange cat in interesting position and then completely coat with potter's clay to form a statue keeping as close as possible to the original outlines....
Washing Miss Ella
...now wet and really pissed I am ready to get her dressed and get the hell out of there, but…Ms. Ella is cold. I look around and she has a ceiling mounted electric heater. Without thinking, I flip the switch and low and behold I am rained down upon by thousands of roaches...
Tard Trip to Disneyland
...being the tard afficianado that I am, I open the door. There stands a tard of approximately 14-17 years of age. 5'6" tall. Weight about 180 lbs. Smelled like sour milk. Hair was greasy and parted just above the ear. Glasses as thick as a woman's clit. He kept shifting nervously back and forth ...
Tijuana Hookers
...laughing so hard that I completely lost my hard-on, and it's all I can do to keep this broad underneath me from ripping my balls off. Bob, on the other hand, was still banging away on his girl and about this time one of his farts goes liquid. He reaches behind him, wipes his ass onto his hand, and cleans it by wiping it onto...
Kung Fu In Greece
...my girlfrends back is to me, and the greek guy is facing her as I walk towards them. All in one movement, I walk till I'm beside her, Greek boy still shouting, his eyes fall on me, and Matrix style, i.e. it felt as though I had all the time in the world, I wound up and uppercutted the wanker in mid sentence....
Poor Dumb Downie
...John Downie, was a fat, stupid dork who tried incessantly to "be part of the gang". His dismal failure to do so resulted in four long years of torture. First, as a freshman, the seniors routinely beat him and humiliated him by dunking him in the birdbath (a circular wash basin), shoving him into lockers, stripping his clothes...
Hey stupid
...Okay kids. I learned a lot that night. I learned I can still pull off a world-class yank, and keep a straight face while serving his group for 2 hours (an hour beyond closing). I learned how much nasal phlegm can be hidden in a single cup of coffee. I learned that if you scrape your fingers in front....
Tard's Fear of Stairs
...tard was lovingly looking into my eyes when pandemonium broke out. This tard started freaking out big time. She lost all control of her bowels and her bladder at the same time. She must have been wearing a huge diaper because it sounded like someone was dropping creamed corn and Jell-O from a 30 story building onto a trampoline....
Assplosion
...I couldn't just walk out of the bathroom and leave it like that for someone to find, not to mention, there was no fucking way I was gonna walk out of there with butt juice all over me. I was a hostage! My shit had literally taken me hostage....
Tard Love
...The cunt ass bitch with her Ph fucking D is yelling at me for scaring the tar
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