Edging In Sex
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Edging In Sex
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Edging , peaking , or surfing [1] is a sexual technique whereby orgasm is controlled. It is practiced alone or with a partner and involves the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax .
When practiced by males, direct sexual stimulation without the refractory period after orgasm is observed. [ citation needed ] When the controlled orgasm is achieved, the physical sensations are greater as compared to conventional orgasm. [ citation needed ] Orgasm control is referenced as "slow masturbation" in Alex Comfort 's The New Joy of Sex (1993) [2] and "extended massive orgasm" in Vera and Steve Bodansky's 2000 book of the same name. [1] It is similar to the Venus Butterfly technique used in the volume The One Hour Orgasm (1988) by Leah and Bob Schwartz. Detailed practices including exercises can be found in several books, such as Mantak Chia's The Multi-Orgasmic Man . [3]
Orgasm control involves either sex partner being in control of the other partner's orgasm, or a person delaying their own orgasm during sexual activity with a partner or by masturbation . Any method of sexual stimulation can be used to experience controlled orgasm.
During intercourse or other forms of sexual stimulation with a partner, one person stimulates the other(s) and reduces the level of stimulation when approaching orgasm. Erotic sexual denial occurs when the partner who is in control of the other partner's orgasm prolongs the orgasm to allow for an increased level of sexual tension. [ citation needed ]
When a partner eventually provides enough stimulation to achieve an orgasm, it may be stronger than usual due to increased tension and arousal that builds up during the extended stimulation. [ citation needed ] An example of the use of orgasm control in partnered sex can be seen in BDSM ; if the partner whose orgasm is being controlled (sometimes referred to as the submissive partner) is tied up , it may better control the orgasm [ citation needed ] (the activity is sometimes called tie and tease ; if orgasm is denied, it is then known as tease and denial).
When practicing alone in masturbation , orgasm control can heighten sexual pleasure. Another reason for practicing orgasm control is to extend the amount of time it takes to orgasm. [ citation needed ] For a female, the practitioner can enjoy direct sexual stimulation for longer periods of time, as well as increasing frequency and intensity. For a man, the speed of masturbation may vary to navigate right to the edge of ejaculation. With orgasm control, a male can experience a more intense orgasm, as well as a larger volume of semen expelled during his ejaculation. [ citation needed ] One technique, commonly referred to as 'edging', involves masturbating up until the moment before reaching the plateau phase just before orgasm occurs, and then stopping suddenly before experiencing a climax. [ citation needed ] Another technique, commonly referred to as 'surfing', involves reaching the plateau phase and slowing down the stimulation to maintain a heightened level of sensation for an extended time. [ citation needed ] Repeating either of these techniques many times during a single masturbation session may result in a stronger, more intense orgasm. [4]
Orgasm control is more often possible with masturbation . [ citation needed ] This is because masturbation allows for individual control and has no reliance on a sexual partner to achieve orgasm. Masturbation can be seen as the starting point in the technique of orgasm control. [ citation needed ] Self-stimulation can help people learn about the limits of their body and the techniques that may help them in controlling their orgasms. Recent research suggests masturbation may decrease the incidence of prostate cancer. [5]
As it has been described by Steve Bodansky and Vera Bodansky in Extended Massive Orgasm: How You Can Give and Receive Intense Sexual Pleasure , masturbation practiced with the aim of orgasm control should be carried on with the purpose of endured sexual gratification and not to relieve tension, as 'simple' masturbation does. [6] In 2021, Masanobu Sato masturbated for 9 hours and 58 minutes at the 9th annual World Masturbate-a-thon. [7]
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It has plenty of benefits—including helping you last longer in bed.
You've probably heard of "edging" as a way to increase the strength of your orgasms. If you repeatedly bring yourself close to climax and then abruptly cut off stimulation, the big finale—when you finally go through with it—will feel even better. It’s a slow burn that amplifies your nerve endings tenfold.
But the benefits of edging go far beyond stronger orgasms. Did you know it can help you maneuver certain bedroom concerns, including premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction ? Edging can also help you intimately connect with your partner during sex. Sometimes, we become so focused on climaxing that we’re not fully present in the moment. Edging deemphasizes orgasm, while still emphasizing pleasure. (This is great, because most female-bodied orgasms have very little to do with long-lasting erections, anyway.)
Edging is about the connection to your body and learning what feels good beyond run-of-the-mill intercourse, according to Kenneth Play , an international sex hacker and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . This can help you reframe sex entirely. “Once [people] gain this kind of awareness and control, they can expand this to other aspects of sex, and it can be really beneficial for them and their lover(s),” he says.
If you’ve been struggling with premature ejaculation , erectile dysfunction, or an inability to focus during sex—or you simply want to have stronger orgasms , because who among us doesn't?—then it might be time to try edging.
Edging (also known as surfing, peaking, and teasing) is essentially the ultimate tease: it’s taking you right to the “edge” of orgasm, then stopping, resting, and repeating. “Edging can be a personal practice and also a therapeutic tool,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, psychologist and licensed sex therapist. “What it is is stroking the penis like you might normally during masturbation, but slower and more mindfully.”
The term “mindful” is key here. These days, mindfulness is a buzzword used to describe everything, from our overall wellness to our diets to how we design our apartments and our closets. Media darling or not, it works. In sex, mindfulness emphasizes intent, pleasure, and patience. Edging is just one example of a way that people are looking to have orgasms with more focused intent. It’s about the journey, not a quick release.
A focus on edging can reduce performance anxiety and increase our ability to pay attention to what you’re doing right now. “The focus is not on the orgasm,” Richmond says, “but pleasure in the moment.”If you’re wondering how delaying an orgasm could possibly be appealing, we have news for you. Sex is about more than just orgasms … especially when you’re with a partner. If we’re all hurrying up to get off and get on with our days, where is the fun in that?
"Viewing sex as all about the orgasm is a response to a lot of the media we have out there, from pornography to mainstream television” says Stephanie Alys, sex tech entrepreneur and founder the sex toy company MysteryVibe . “[People] always refer to sex as penetration. But that definition of sex can be very limiting.”
For starters, emphasizing orgasm over everything else is a pretty heteronormative view of sex (meaning that it’s restricted to penis-in-vagina intercourse—and guess what, not everyone has sex that way.) It also ignores the crucial fact that sex is pretty fun overall—and that applies to the moments leading up to orgasm as well.
1) Create a warm and inviting atmosphere. Successful edging experiences start with feeling safe, contained, and relaxed. Put on some music that you find relaxing/sexy, light some candles (if that’s your thing), and make sure you have privacy.
2) Use a reliable, high-quality lubricant. You want a lube that is water- or silicone-based, petrochemical-free, and glycerine-free. Check out our lube guide for recommendations.
3) Start the physical arousal process. Begin touching your penis/clitoris with well-lubed fingers (or hands). Stroke as you normally would.
4) When you feel like you’re about to reach the point of no return, stop all stimulation. Take your hands away or slow down your movements. Take 5 deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Bring awareness to your body.
5) In your awareness, consider what you were thinking/feeling while getting yourself excited. Were you feeling tension in your muscles? Having a fantasy? Thinking about someone? This self-check helps to build a stronger mind-body connection between you and your penis/clitoris.
6) Start the process over by beginning to masturbate as you normally would. Stop again at the point of no return, take 5 deep breaths, and bring back your awareness outlined in step 5.
7) Repeat steps 1–3 one more time. Do this until you reach your peak.
Pulling yourself back from the edge isn't always easy, but strengthening your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle can help. Located at the floor of your pelvis, the muscle is involved in peeing as well as the spasms you experience during an orgasm. The key to strengthening your PC muscles? Kegel exercises. Head here for a guide on how to practice kegels.
1) Get your high quality lubricant out and ready to go.
2) Get your partner physically aroused in the way they prefer. You can try oral stimulation, using clitoral and G-spot stimulation, nipple play, etc. Really, it’s about what gets those fires cooking. If your partner has a penis, start stroking them in the way they prefer. They can give you a bit of direction, but edging is about focusing on their own body so as much control as you can take, the better.
3) Figure out their peak. This takes regular checking in so make sure they’re vocal or can give sound-based cues about when they’re going to come. This will be important because you need to have awareness about when to reduce stimulation.
4) When your partner says they’re going to come (or however they signal they’re close), completely stop the stimulation. Allow their breathing and body to return to normal.
5) Start the stimulation process all over again, going through steps 2-4. Repeat 2 times.
6) Get your partner going again. This time, allow them to orgasm once they reach their peak.
7) Check in and debrief. What did they like about this? What did you like about it? How did you both feel? This will help you better attune to your partner’s body so that the next time you practice, you can be even more successful. Remember, this is pracitce, and will take time to master.
If your partner is giving you oral sex or stroking your penis, tell them to stop and start at their discretion. Giving your partner the power to control your orgasm can be incredibly hot, both for them and for you. "It's a perfect balance between being in control, and relinquishing that control to be in the moment," Richmond says.
If you’re interested in being on the receiving end of anal play, edging is a good way to prepare yourself. In order for anal play to be pleasurable, you need to be relaxed; if you’re tightening your butthole, any kind of penetration could be painful, and no one wants that.
“You can bring yourself close to orgasm several times before anal penetration, to warm up and get into a space of high arousal so that the experience of being penetrated feels different and better,” Play says. “If you learn to associate this new sensation with high pleasure states, you’re much more likely to like it more.” Don’t forget to use lots of lube!
1) Pick the toy you’d like to use. Whatever toys you normally like can be great for this. If you don’t have toys quite yet and want to try some fun ones, check out these toys for penises and these toys for clitorises . Strokers are particularly excellent for edging with penises.
Tenga makes a host of amazing penis-focused strokers that are actually really elegant. “Using a male masturbator like the Tenga 3D Spiral or Tenga Eggs alone or with a partner can assist you in finding your exact ‘stroke count,’” says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven . “Male masturbators come with all types of stimulating nodules on the inside to assist you in getting to your edge faster than just using your hands. Male vibrators’ like the Fun Factory Manta or Hot Octpuss Jett can be used hands-free. [They] essentially do all the work for you and you only need to turn it on and off via the remote control.”
2) Get your high quality lube and put it on your toy and penis/clitoris/vulva. Be sure your lube is water-based, as silicone toys are not compatible with silicone lubes.
3) If you haven’t used this toy before, practice getting used to it before moving into edging. Sex toys offer the ability to feel pleasure in an entirely new way. You can explore different angels, intensities, and physical sensations.
4) Once you feel grounded in your connection with your sex toy, go back up to the “solo” edging practice and repeat steps 3-6.
6) Next, start again and let yourself reach your peak.
Even if you don’t struggle with premature ejaculation, edging can yield some serious benefits. It helps you become more acquainted with your own body and desires, and it can be a major turn-on for your partner as well.
"Creating a connection is something couples don't do much these days," says Alys. "Edging is a really great practice that we encourage, and being able to take control of your partner's experience and pleasure can create exciting, connected, mindful sessions of pleasure."
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