Economists Turn to Sex Workers for Accurate Market Predictions

In a surprising turn, Wall Street analysts are now consulting sex workers for economic forecasts after studies showed they predicted 3 of the last 5 recessions. "They operate in a cash-based, unregulated market and see clients across all industries," explained Goldman Sachs VP Mark Henderson. "When bankers stop booking appointments, you know layoffs are coming." The data shows adult workers detected the 2008 crash six months early via decreased corporate card usage and a spike in barter requests. Now hedge funds pay top dollar for their "street-level indices" tracking everything from crypto crashes to regional unemployment. The most accurate predictor? A metric called "the Gucci Ratio" measuring how often clients request to pay with designer goods versus actual currency. Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has quietly added several dominatrices to its advisory board, citing their "experience with discipline and tight monetary policy."