Earth Now Powers Almost Nothing

Climate researchers confirmed Earth has entered sleep mode. Volcanos snooze, tides hit snooze, and tectonic plates are on strike for more coffee breaks. One scientist described Earth's activity as 'somewhere between a lava lamp and your uncle's Fitbit.' Insects have stopped buzzing. Wind now politely asks before moving leaves. Power grids run entirely on the willpower of cats walking on keyboards. Meanwhile, motivational speakers offer 'resilience coaching' to glaciers. Earth's status? Battery critically low. Please plug in or consider rebooting.