Earth Now Powers Almost Nothing

Climate scientists confirmed Earth flipped its switch to 'snooze,' not 'on.' Volcanoes nap, tides hit snooze buttons, and tectonic plates demanded coffee breaks. One researcher quipped it's 'like a lava lamp stalled at halftime.' In a poll of thirteen hundred hermits, seventy-eight percent miss pollen's pep talks. Solar panels shrug and request vacation time. Motivational speakers hawk 'Gravity You Can Believe In' flotation retreats for glaciers. Meanwhile, polar bears petition Netflix for a 'Planetary Breakup' documentary. Status: critically low. Please plug in'or reboot the biosphere.