Eager Slut
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Eager Slut
© 2021 The When You\'re Ready Project
The first time I was raped I was 16 years old. The night exists for me in a series of flash-bulb images that I can neither piece together nor erase from my memory, despite years of trying. I’m still not sure if it was my fault, even though I know it wasn’t.
I don’t think about it very often anymore, but every few years I revisit the spiral of shame, and guilt.
My last clear memory was stumbling away from the crowd, looking for a place to sleep. I was drunk… really drunk. I was being a typical teenager: acting out, rebelling – trying to distance myself from a goody-two-shoes image. Before that night, I had only been to a couple of parties, most of my wild stories were embellishments. My parents were known for being strict, so I didn’t get invited out very often. I w anted desperately to be part of the cool, older crowd who drank and smoked cigarettes. I was thrilled to be at the party, drinking cans of Coors and tossing them in the back yard of the kid whose parents were out of town. I realized m y ride had left without me, I was feeling sick and disoriented and needed to sleep until I could walk home. I found an empty bed, it was a child’s bedroom, I was going to lie down for just a few minutes.
I’m awake and it’s dark. He is inside me. I feel sick. Who is on top of me? “What are you doing?” He grunts. I try to push him away but my arms are weak. “I don’t want to.” I try to pull my underwear up, they’re around my knees. He pins my arm down. “Please.” “Shhh.” “I’m going to be sick.” “Shhh.” He’s getting angry. There’s a crack in the door and I can see wood paneling in the hallway. He finishes on the child’s bed, next to me. He wasn’t wearing a condom. He gets up and walks out. I want to run away, but I’m ashamed and I don’t want anyone to see me. I cry myself to sleep.
I’ve known my rapist since childhood. He was one of the cool kids at my school, a popular jock who was older than me. The next morning, his friend called me a slut and said “don’t worry, I won’t tell his girlfriend.” His girlfriend found out, and soon everyone had heard what a slut I was. Somehow I was more comfortable with being a slut than with being raped, so I accepted it.
And I never told anyone, until now.
I’m afraid to tell my parents. I’m afraid my step-father will read this, figure out who it was, and confront my rapist. I’m nervous about how he’ll feel when he realizes he inadvertently teased me about the events that happened after that night. I forgave him but I’m afraid he won’t forgive himself.
I’m afraid the people in my home town will call me a liar, and judge my parents. I live 3000 miles away now, but my family will have to deal with the backlash.
I’m afraid for my rapist’s wife and children.
But today I’m facing those fears, as much as I can handle at a time. Today, this blog is the beginning of an idea that may or not become big. It’s still anonymous, but that’s okay. It’s all I’m ready for, just yet.
When you’re ready, and want to share, I’m here. We’ll do this together.
When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.
alert(‘HACKING IN PROGRESS!!! ^%$ I HAAZ HAXX (&&* 1337 ‘);
Sounds like a fake story. Sorry, pretty cliche.
The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we'll be here.
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I believe it's safe to say that all married women have fantasized, at least once, about having sex with another partner during their healthy, happy, and loving marriage. Her fantasy may be a secret affair with a celebrity, someone at the office, or perhaps just a sexy and willing figment of her imagination.
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Oct 1, 2016, 09:50 PM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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I believe it's safe to say that all married women have fantasized, at least once, about having sex with another partner during their healthy, happy, and loving marriage. Her fantasy may be a secret affair with a celebrity, someone at the office, or perhaps just a sexy and willing figment of her imagination. Most women never act on these (normal, healthy) impulses, but some couples do -- in a totally consensual way. The husband gives his wife permission and encouragement to have sex with other men, while he stays faithful only to her. It's called Cuckolding, and many committed, loving, and trusting married couples engage in it.
The word "cuckold" derives from the name of the cuckoo bird , which has a habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests. The association and the sexual implications are common in medieval folklore and literature, although the older usages usually imply that the husband is unaware of his wife's adultery. In modern fetish usage, a cuckold is compliant in his partner's sexual infidelity. Not only is the cuckold partner happy about and sexually excited by the adulterous act, they also often pick out her outfit for the night, shop for jewelry for her to wear, arrange the hotel accommodations and supply the condoms.
A cuckold, then, is traditionally the husband of an adulterous wife, and the wife who enjoys cuckolding her husband is frequently called a "hotwife" or a "cuckoldress." Working as a fetishist, I have role played the hotwife in many sessions with clients who either have a cuckolding fantasy, who are no longer in a cuckolding relationship but still crave it, or who want to talk while their hotwife is out on a date.
One client expressed his feelings about being in such a relationship with particular eloquence:
"I never would have dreamed that my beautiful, church-going, subservient wife of more than 25 years would call my bluff and be excited about my cuckolding fantasy. Yes, she is church-going and PTA-attending, a doting soccer mom, educated, professional, worldly, and the sweet and innocent lady next door who no one would never suspect had a deep craving to experience new, different, and varied sexual experiences with other men of all ages.
It started out innocently a few years ago when we used fantasy role play in the bedroom to keep the embers burning. One weekend while the kids were away, we slowly stepped away from our normal vanilla world and started to explore and indulge in my deepest desires. Ever since the first affair, my wife has the "power" in the relationship, and she loves it. We're now playing by her rules, which means playing with others outside our marriage, but no play for me."
In all relationships, however, there are many perspectives, and each person's emotions, thoughts, and beliefs take frequent twists and turns. Cuckolding is not for everyone. For some hot wives, what seems at first like a "have your cake and eat it too" arrangement turns into feelings of confusion.
My new husband and I have always enjoyed our sex life. We have been together for five years now, and our sexual energy together still feels electric. Then, out of nowhere, he told me one day that he wanted to catch me in the act of having sex with another man. Literally. Although I have zero sexual attraction to other men, I agreed to try it out. The question then became where to find a willing male participant. After weeks of talking to trusted friends, we ended up on a swinger's site and found many eager seekers.
Immediately, my husband became way more interested in sex with me. At first I absolutely loved it, although I was curious about why this turned him on so much. When I asked him, he explained, "I think it's because I always felt a lot of rejection from girls as a young man and even as I got older. I worry that the women I have close relationships with might leave me for other men, and acting it out in a controlled environment actually makes me feel safe."
He knows I would never leave him, but he likes to imagine that I'm a dirty girl who likes to have sex all the time with strangers behind his back. He even likes it when I sext with guys while we're having sex together so he can read it.
So, how is this for me? I have done this a few times for him now, and I've found that I do not physically or emotionally enjoy the sex with other men. I am able to go through the motions and act like I love it. I have yet to achieve an orgasm during sex with someone else. Usually after we've played, he claims his interest in me having sex with other men has started to wane, but then, after a few weeks, it always returns. I have now refused to do another cuckold scenario until he's willing to fulfill some of my fantasies as well, although that has not yet happened. He keeps getting stuck on this same cuckold fantasy. I suppose it must be amazing for him, but it does nothing for me.
In the end, as always, it depends on you and your partner. If one or both of you has a cuckold fantasy, it's worth talking about. Indulging this fantasy has the potential to improve your relationship and make you stronger as a couple, but it takes careful planning, communication, and honesty throughout the whole process. And, if you're curious but don't want to go all the way with a stranger, try role playing a cuckold scenario first! Remember, no matter what, you are in control, and you have the freedom to explore your sexuality however you want. As long as you keep an open mind and communicate well, you and your partner can be happy together no matter how adventurous or vanilla you decide to be!
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By Gloria Riviera, Jackie Jesko and Sally Hawkins
"Natalie" told ABC News "Nightline" she was sold for sex more than 100 times through the website Backpage.com.
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One woman estimates she had over 100 encounters in three weeks at age 15.
— -- In an old home movie, young Natalie is laughing and running around with a soccer ball. She’s around 12 years old, and she looks at the camera and says, “When I grow up, I would like to be a doctor.”
But a few years later, that laughing, carefree young girl was sold for sex allegedly through the website, Backpage.com. She estimates she was paid for sex over 100 times, and she firmly believes that the site made it possible for her pimp to post ads offering her for sex over and over again.
“Continuously. All day, every day. 24/7,” Natalie told ABC News “Nightline.” She has asked us to refer to her as “Natalie” for this report, and her parents have asked that we do not use their last name.
Natalie is now a 21-year-old mother with a toddler and another baby on the way. She is part of a major lawsuit against Backpage.com, the highly controversial online classifieds site that is currently being investigated by the U.S. Senate for its alleged connection to underage sex trafficking.
Sen. Claire McCaskill , D-Missouri, told “Nightline” that Backpage “requires more of someone who wants to sell a motorcycle than of someone who wants to sell a child.”
When Natalie was 15 years old, she said she made a decision she would regret for the rest of her life. She ran away from home because she said she received a bad grade at school and was nervous about how her parents would react to it.
“I thought maybe things would be easier if I could just go do it on my own,” she said. “I didn’t want them to… be disappointed… I had told all my friends that I was going to run away.”
Natalie said she ran across a soccer field, jumped a fence, found a bus stop and took a bus to downtown Seattle, where she met an older girl at a youth shelter.
“She was very familiar with the shelter and the Seattle area in general and she told me… we could go hang out,” Natalie said. “I had never smoked weed before, never drank… I don’t know. I was having a good time.”
Back at home, her mother Nacole found a letter Natalie had left behind. She called her husband Tom and said they needed to go to the police immediately.
“I was in shock,” Tom said. “You know, kind of just floored that-- Gone? Why? You know? Where? You know, how?”
Out on her own, Natalie quickly learned the dark side of life on the streets. She said her older friend was turning tricks right in front of her.
“We would walk on the highway and then people would come pick her up and I would sit in the back seat and then she would sleep with them,” she said. “A lot of them would ask if they could sleep with me and she would tell them ‘no,’ until a pimp picked us up and then took us to his house.”
That’s when Natalie said she was raped for the first time. She had been a virgin.
“After it happened he threw a towel at me and some carpet cleaner and told me to clean up the carpet because there was blood,” Natalie said. “That was pretty difficult. And then after that, they cut all my hair off and then put me in some really skimpy clothes and taught me how to walk in heels,” she continued. “I got really scared after that, and I ended up running out of there.”
Natalie said she sneaked out of the garage door and found a police officer who called her mother.
“I was definitely scared and I just wanted to go home. I was nervous,” she said.
Her family was overjoyed to have her back, but Natalie was still grappling with how to deal with what had happened to her.
“I didn’t know how to treat her. I didn’t know if she wanted me to hug her,” her father Tom said. “For the first time since the day she was born… It felt awkward to hold my own kid.”
At school, Natalie said word had gotten around what had happened to her, and she said she was bullied and called horrible names. This feeling of not belonging drove her to make another bad choice: she ran away a second time with the help of that older friend she had met in Seattle. Natalie was still just 15 years old.
“I ran down the street to the bus stop… and she was parked there waiting for me,” Natalie said.
Then she met 32-year-old Baruti Hopson. She said he was kind to her at first and gave her a place to stay, but then she said things took a horrible turn.
“I had started talking to him, confided in him a little bit about family life and just how stressed out I was,” she said. “He had asked me if I had ever worked before, and I told him, ‘briefly’ … I didn’t really know what I was doing.
“And then he told me that I wouldn’t be on the streets,” Natalie continued. “And I was like, ‘Well what does that mean?’ And he’s like, ‘Well I’m not going to have you walking the streets’ … And then that’s when Backpage came into play.”
Natalie said Hopson told her Backpage.com was “safer” and that it was easier “not to get caught.”
Backpage’s site is surprising simple, similar to Craigslist, but with a racy adult services section with categories like “Escorts” and “Body Rubs.” These are technically legal categories, but many in law enforcement say these ads are thinly veiled code for prostitution. While it is free for someone to post adult services ads, Backpage makes money by offering paid add-ons, including the ability to re-post the ad every hour and to post it in multiple neighboring cities.
“He put me in all these clothes, took some pretty provocative pictures of me and then got to Backpage, and then you can click on to post an ad,” she said. “He just showed me how to do it, so I could do it myself.”
Natalie said the website asked if she were 18 years or older, but “a simple yes click was about as far as that went.”
With Backpage ads posted with titles such as “Well worth it, 150 an hour” and “It won’t take long at all,” Natalie said she was working every single day and started earning as much as $4,000 a weekend, handing over all the cash to Hopson.
“He started getting physically abusive and really, I couldn’t even go in the bathroom without the door being unlocked,” Natalie said. “He would sleep in the living room next to the front door, so I couldn’t leave.”
Natalie's mother Nacole said she was shocked to learn there was a website where this could to happen to underage girls, like her daughter.
“I live in an American town, how can my kid be sold on the internet?” she said.
“When you hear that your 15-year-old child is posting an ad for sex or for rape in her case, and that she’s getting 25 to 30 calls an hour, and you’re thinking, ‘Well how many of these is she having to answer? I mean, there’s 24 hours in a day… how many times a day is my child being raped?” Nacole added.
But the sad truth is Nacole is among many American mothers who have had to ask themselves the same question.
A mother who’s asked us to call her "Debbie" said her teenage daughter, who we’re calling "Crystal," left home one night after an argument. It only took 48 hours of her being gone for Debbie to find her images on Backpage.
“I remember that she had on the see-through lacy teddy,” Debbie said. “And she’s 14.”
Crystal says that when she left home, she arranged to stay with a friend’s boyfriend’s mom. Instead of giving her a safe place to stay, she says this woman forced her into prostitution. Crystal says they were re-posting her Backpage ad every five minutes and forcing her to have sex with the men who would come to the house.
Crystal, who is now 19, told “Nightline,” “It’s hard being that young and being trapped in a room and not knowing if you’ll go home to your mom, or if you’ll come out of there alive.”
"Megan," another mother who asked us to use an assumed name, said her 15-year-old daughter was also sold for sex on Backpage. Her daughter, who we’re referring to as "Kim," says she went to a party hosted by a
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