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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
The stories you care about, delivered daily.
SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. © 2022 SheMedia, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

Identical twins have sex with their shared boyfriend together because they get in 'the mood at same time'
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This Morning: Meet the twins who are so identical they share a BOYFRIEND
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We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. This means that we may include adverts from us and third parties based on our knowledge of you. We also may change the frequency you receive our emails from us in order to keep you up to date and give you the best relevant information possible. As always you can unsubscribe at any time. More Info.
Anna and Lucy DeCinque have revealed the arrangement they have to make their shared relationship work in the bedroom
Identical twins Anna and Lucy DeCinque have revealed they share every aspect of their lives - including time in bed with their boyfriend.
The 30-year-old sisters baffled ITV's This Morning hosts Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby as they bluntly admitted they sleep with him at the same time .
They said: "We're in the mood at the same time. He's a lucky guy, He needs double the energy, he gets double the love and double the attention."
Although the sisters admitted people have an issue with their arrangement, they have stood by their decision.
"They can have their opinions but this is the way we want to live our lives," they argued. "We're not hurting anyone and it makes us happy.
"We're always going to be together. Because we're with each other 24/7 of our lives it's so much easier to share a boyfriend."
The girls are both in a relationship with mechanic Ben Byrne, who is also a twin - but not an identical one.
Even though the two aren’t actively trying for babies, yet, they told Australian current affairs and discussion show The Insight their plans when they do start planning a family.
Anna said: “If I got pregnant Lucy would definitely get pregnant straight way — because our bodies need to be the same.
“We would try to make that happen, definitely. We are not trying right now — we love children and kids love us, but it’s not the time for us.
“We would have to be exactly the same — even if we went through IVF at the same time.”
The pair shared their story on the show, as part of a double episode about twins.
Following the programme, the twins spoke to the Herald Sun (which weren’t able to say which of the girls was speaking as “their voices are pretty much identical too.”)
One of twins said: “We actually felt a bit intimidated by the other twins, because we always thought we were the centre of attention.”
The Insight investigation looks at what the latest twin research can reveal about humanity at large — for social and scientific researchers, twins are ‘the perfect natural experiment’, especially identical twins who share 99.9% of the same DNA.
The pair became famous after they were dubbed the 'world's most identical twins' on a Japanese prank TV show, when facial recognition technology could not tell them apart.
The two - born just a minute apart - have reportedly blown £130,000 on cosmetic surgery to make sure they look as similar as possible.
The list of surgery they have had includes breast implants, lip fillers, fake eyebrows and eyelashes to make sure they look exactly the same.
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Nothing. They’re boys. That’s what boys do. As long as they weren’t jacking each other off, let it be.

@TruthBTold :
I just meant in the fact that there's a weird tension between us. I'm ok with it, I mean as a single dad I do it all the time I just want them to know I'm ok with it

@Luis54 :
Make a joke about it and move on.

I have a 16yr old. My wife recently ran across some "used" towels and lotion under his bed when changing his sheets. I had to have a talk with him about being more discreet with the towels - mix'em in the laundry boy! I told him he just took some years off his mom's life... then moved on, nothing to see here!

Also had the talk with the wife about how he is old enough to take care of changing his sheets

@SDNRR :
I guess I do have to talk to them. I mea
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