Dreaming Of My Son Cock

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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me. He's going to ask someday. She's going to have questions. You need to get your story straight.
06/14/2016 04:53pm EDT | Updated June 15, 2017
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me.
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You need to get your story straight.

You have to be *prepared* because you'll be caught with your pants down when the kids ask about the specifics of sex.
And, in a dark car, on the way home from dinner, it happened: my son and I had a whopper of a conversation.
While I've mostly recovered from the trauma, my friends are still reeling from the advice I gave him.
The evening started out innocently enough. After attending an event as a family, Hubby and I decided to take the kids out for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes (read: drink martinis as the kids consumed large quantities of fried foods and dessert). We spent that time talking to each other, visiting with friends who'd also gone to the restaurant and joking with our favorite bartender. It was a picture perfect moment: warm sweaters, noisy atmosphere, a family smiling together. I had no way of knowing that my son had questions brimming and he'd decided he was going to get some answers on the way home.
As we had taken two cars,my son opted to ride home with me. I should have seen this as a SIGN, people. Of what, I don't know, but I should have seen SOMETHING coming.
Once in the car, and about two seconds after I navigated the car away from the curb, he dropped a bomb on me: there was a sexting scandal at school and he was upset.
Let me repeat that: MY TWELVE YEAR OLD WAS UPSET ABOUT A SEXTING INCIDENT. Twelve. As in, they don't even have the word "teen" in their ages yet, bitchachos.
Pardon me as I try not to drive this people mover right into a tree.
While he was not involved (THANKYOUSWEETBABYJESUS), he was upset about the consequences, the children involved and the general implications that this kind of thing brings. He wondered what would happen if he received salacious texts, who he should tell, why kids would do such a thing. Heavy topics weighed on his mind and he wanted to talk about all of it. WITH ME. As I was driving heavy machinery. In the dark. Without Hubby as a back up.
I'm not going to lie: I was caught with my pants down and I swear, the deer we passed on the road did not look nearly as surprised as I did when I was driving.
But, I made a choice to keep driving, to take the longest way home possible because my tween was talking, openly talking to me about sex. I didn't know when, or if, this situation would ever present itself again. I don't know if it was the dark, country roads I slowly drove, the fact that we weren't facing each other or if the stars just magically aligned to make him open up, but it happened.
As we quieted from the sexting discussion, he coyly and shyly said, "I have one more question" and the tone of his voice made me realize I needed to brace myself.
"Well. You know. Some of the boys, they talk about this thing that involves blowing. And work. Blow work, is it? Something that is like a job and involves blowing. I don't know what that means. Can you explain that to me?".
I'M NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THE TEEN YEARS, YOU GUYS.
Here I was, in a car, being asked a specific question about a sex act from my twelve year old. In the split seconds that followed his question, I debated: do I tell him? Do I push it aside and tell him that's for grown ups? Do I pull over on the side of the road and call Hubby to take over? How hard will I have to junk punch Hubby when I get home? I honestly didn't know what to do and, as I gripped the steering wheel and tried to keep myself from driving into a cornfield, I made a decision.
I told him. I was honest and forthright. And, then it was HIM wearing the deer in the headlights expression.
As the reality of the answer set in, and, realizing these moments with tweens are fleeting, I took it one step further: I told him a committed relationship is a two way street and when you are intimate with someone, it's never one sided. If he's alone with a girl, it's to be enjoyable for both of them and it's never okay to let a girl please him solely.
I told him that if you get one, you give one. Plain and simple. Because no daughter in law of mine is going to stand in my kitchen and wonder why he's such a greedy asshole in the bedroom.
And, judging from the looks of horror on my friends' faces as I've recounted this story, I seem to be in the minority when it comes talking openly with kids about sex. I've been accused of condoning pre marital sex. I've been told I crossed a line by explaining the specifics of a sex act to my child. And, I've been told that I'm asking for trouble by telling him that his eventual girlfriend's needs are important, too. Mostly, my friends have cry laughed at the image of me driving down the street being asked about knob polishing. And, naturally, they all asked how soon I'd be blogging about my drive from hell....
But, for all the judgement, all the shocked outcry, I stand by what I told my son. I stand by my honesty and I hope, that in doing so, I've set the stage for him to want to come back to ask questions, to get good, solid answers from his father and I. And, in that moment, he trusted me with his thoughts and was open and honest with me. The least I could do was be honest right back.
Because if you get it, you give it, people.
Christine Burke is a blogger and freelance writer. Her personal blog is keeperofthefruitloops.com and she can be found on Facebook. Her latest book, "I Just Want To Be Perfect" is available on Amazon.
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Dreaming of the School My Students, My Son, and All Children Deserve
Equity & Diversity CTQ Collaboratory
By Jessica Cuthbertson — March 14, 2018 5 min read
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Jessica Cuthbertson currently teaches 8th grade literacy at Murphy Creek P-8 in Aurora, Colo., where her son, Henok, attends kindergarten. She is a National Board-certified teacher with 15 years of experience in the field, and a former CTQ teacherpreneur. You can join the conversation in the Center for Teaching Quality’s roundtable discussion and connect with her on Twitter @JJCuthy.
My son attends a good public school, one of the few “performance” schools in our district. He’s fortunate to have a kindergarten teacher with 20 years of experience in early-childhood development and primary pedagogy. His individualized education program guarantees him support services from professionals with a depth of expertise in special education, psychology, and speech, occupational, and physical therapies. And as a beginning English-language learner, he receives daily language instruction with like peers.
As I reflect on the growth he’s made in his first year of American schooling, I believe our decision to open enroll him in the same K-8 school where I teach was the right call.
Being in the same building allows me to juggle my educator and parent advocacy hats: the lines of communication between school and home are wide open, fluid, and frequent. I believe this collaboration has helped my son settle into the routines and expectations of kindergarten.
While I am grateful that school is currently working for my son, I can’t help but wonder: Will the supports he’s getting now be prioritized as he progresses through the K-12 system?
I’ve also been thinking a lot about how our school is supporting his development as a whole person—at all ages and stages.
When my pediatrician asked what specifically accounted for my son’s improvement and adjustment, I shared that he now receives three movement breaks a day and an afternoon snack before electives. Since he struggles with fine-motor control, he also has push-in support for his most challenging times of the day, including transitions from the playground, writing, and art.
“Three movement breaks and an afternoon snack,” she repeated slowly, her voice puzzled. “So, he’s getting what every 5-year-old in the class needs?”
My son’s journey has me reflecting on the benefits of personalized attention, the mind-body connection, and the power of immediate feedback and reinforcement.
But which other children aren’t getting what they need at any given moment because my child is spending 1:1 time with the building’s sole psychologist or full-time counselor, both of whom have burgeoning caseloads and serve grades K-8?
My school is part of a public education system that prioritizes academic learning over social emotional support. This can result in inequities in our instruction, implicit bias, and institutional racism in our hallways and classrooms.
When I dream of the school my son deserves—the school all children deserve—it includes some distinct features and resources currently lacking or underfunded in our school and too many other schools across the country.
Here are five features I believe every public school needs:
1. Competency-based education vs. traditional grade levels: Part of my son’s early struggles stemmed from a gap between his chronological age and his developmental needs. It’s time to move beyond grade-level progressions based on grouping students by age to competency-based education and personalized learning that allows for more fluidity and flexibility. Such practices are still the exception instead of the norm, despite the fact that our classrooms are crowded with unique individuals who exhibit a range of needs.
2. An emphasis on noncognitive factors and social-emotional needs: Recent headlines have focused on increasing safety measures in schools to curtail future tragedies too common in a post-Columbine world. Much of the mass media chatter has centered on security (and even arming teachers) but falls short of exploring how to proactively meet students’ noncognitive needs. The challenges students (and staff) encounter in schools today extend beyond daily teaching and learning. Until all schools understand that we must proactively focus on the whole person, including with training on trauma-informed practices, social-emotional supports, and mental health issues, our schools will continue to treat symptoms instead of finding cures.
3. Family and community partnerships: In too many places, school is still done to students instead of with students. We must actively involve students and families in our schools and engage with the community. The work of schools is too big to undertake without partnering with families and community-based resources. We must work to ensure parents and families see themselves as advocates in their children’s learning—not bystanders. As an educator, I’m in a unique position to advocate for my son’s education; however, a parent should not have to be an “insider” in our system to learn how to navigate it and be an active participant in her child’s education. Teachers are experts in facilitating learning, but families are experts in their children’s strengths and growth areas and can help us reach all students at their point of need.
4. Authentic assessment and learning portfolios: I’ve written before about reframing assessment to include the types of information and data that support students, teachers, and parents with a broader snapshot of student growth. The time has come to look beyond standardized assessments to determine school effectiveness and student learning. We value what we measure, but what we currently measure is narrow in comparison to the well-rounded education and experiences students need and deserve.
5. Culturally responsive pedagogy: Given what we know about the importance of relationships, academic mindset, and the diverse needs of our student population, schools of the future must focus on creating culturally relevant classrooms through curriculum, pedagogy, and an emphasis on actively addressing institutional racism and system inequities. In the words of Zaretta Hammond, author of the book Culturally Responsive Teaching and the Brain, “Our task as culturally responsive teachers is to help [students] shift their mindset by helping them create a powerful counter narrative about who they are as learners.”
Becoming a parent and seeing school through my son’s eyes has fundamentally changed how I teach and informed my next steps for professional growth. I need to learn more about the adolescent brain, the mind-body connection, and ways to truly personalize learning for each student.
In the meantime, all public school educators share a responsibility to serve a dual role as parent and community advocates—committed to creating the schools all our sons and daughters deserve.
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