Don T Sex

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‘I Love My Partner—But I Don’t Want To Have Sex’
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A few things could be going on here...
Life happens, which means dry spells happen, am I right? No biggie—unless that dry spell morphs into more of a, well, severe drought.
Wondering why don't I want to have sex anymore? Well, “It’s normal for there to be an ebb and flow in sexual desire in a marriage,” says Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?.
Factors like stress, time, and kids can seriously zap your sex drive. That said, you shouldn't just give up on your sex life forever. “Getting ahead of it is important,” Durvasula says.
Here are some of the most common reasons why women lose their sex drives, plus what to do about it.
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“Because there are hormones in the birth control pill, the reaction can vary from woman to woman, depending on your body chemistry and the type of hormone mixture in the pill,” says Jennifer Wider, MD.
This happened to Heather J., 32, who suddenly stopped wanting to have sex with her BF: "The thing is, everything was okay. I loved him fully and was super-attracted to him. It was a mood thing. I ended up finding out I was feeling this way because of my birth control, and once the doctor took me off, I felt better and we started having a decent sex life again, doing it about two to three times a week.”
If your libido seems to go on a permanent vacation right after you start a new hormonal birth control method, talk to your doctor. “There are tons of options to choose from and having your sex life impaired due to medication can be easily overcome for most people,” Dr. Wider says.

Motherhood can be rough on your sex life. “You’re tired, stressed out, and may not feel sexy anymore,” Durvasula says. “Is that a formula? No. But for many women it’s real.”
“Nobody tells you this when you’re a teen or in your twenties, but sex is way different after you have kids," says Juliet M, 29. "Mainly because I’m always tired and the last thing I want to do is get naked, show my husband my post-pregnancy body, and have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, and I love our life together. I just feel blah about my body, and I’d also rather sleep when the kids sleep than stay up and have sex."
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Yeppp, being a mom means constantly tending to the needs and demands of others, and at some point, sex can feel like another demand. Try talking to your partner about the pressures you’re dealing with and be open about how it’s affecting your sex life. Then, see if they can help with any of the responsibilities you’re dealing with on the regular, Durvasula says. That may help lift your sex drive.
That body image issue Juliet mentioned is real. "If you feel good about yourself and appreciate your body, you're more likely to be open to sexual activities," says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sexologist in Honolulu. Try these 7 Ways To Start Feeling More Confident Right Now.
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Stress is “becoming the new normal for people,” Durvasula says. And, unfortunately, that can have a direct effect on your sex life. She recommends trying to carve out time in your busy schedule for sex, and trying to set the mood/relax yourself beforehand. Maybe take a bubble bath surrounded by candles, or slip into some silky lingerie—all of that can help. “Sex is really an essential part of a relationship,” she says.
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“I’ve been married for over 23 years. I’ve had all the sex I need to in my life."
A subset of stress, many women end up playing multiple roles and fulfilling multiple obligations, Brito says, which can feel overwhelming. Think: "being a partner and a mother, while balancing your career and personal life," she says. It's easy for that last one—personal life—to take a back seat. Again, talk to your partner about how they can help out!
Sex with the same person “can start to feel formulaic” after a while, Durvasula says. Or, as Linda B, 48, says: “I’ve been married for over 23 years. I’ve had all the sex I need to in my life, and truthfully, I’m just over it."

Instead of looking at it as the same old, same old, Durvasula recommends reminding yourself that this is something special that only you and your partner share. That, and doing what you can to spice things up. Try taking a vacation together and having hotel sex, or working in some new positions. “Anything that can make sex feel new is great,” she says. And, if things still aren’t working for you, it may be time to consider couples therapy.

"Some folks won't be interested in having sex after a fight, while others will use sex to repair the rupture," says Brito. If you're in the former camp, you're probs not so interested in having sex with a person you're feeling less than fond of—makes sense! The truth is, whether or not conflict makes you wanna get it on, you'll need to get to the root of your issues if you want the relationship to continue long-term. Facts!
When you feel stressed beyond belief, you may also feel like you just. don't. have. time. Totally fair. This is where scheduling sex can really come in handy—and it's not as lame as it sounds. “It's not spontaneous, but it’s more likely to happen," relationship expert Terri Orbuch told WH in This Is the Right Way to Schedule Sex. Who knows—scheduled sex could be hotter than you think: Planning for intimacy can mean less distraction and more build-up!
"A change in hormone levels and body changes that occur during pregnancy may impact libido," says Brito. But this can go either way: Some women notice a higher sex drive during pregnancy, while others notice a decrease. Either is okay! But if a drop in your desire is interfering with your happiness or relationship, go ahead and "discuss any concerns with your medical provider, partner, and/or therapist," Brito says.
"If you're tired, the last thing you likely want to do is have sex," Brito says. "It's best to identify the best time of the day that you have the most energy in order to maximize your chances of getting it on."
So, if you tend to feel zapped at night, try having morning sex instead. Or, go to bed an hour earlier so you feel more relaxed and less rushed to fall asleep ASAP, leaving more time for ~other things.~
“When I lost interest in having sex with my boyfriend, about two years into the relationship, I started investigating why, and began to admit to myself that I think I’m just changing my sexual preference and may have an attraction to females. I’ve been with females before, and I thought I was over it. I guess I’m not. I still loved my boyfriend, but maybe more in a friend kind of way? I told my boyfriend the truth, and at first, he was completely taken back and a little offended. We met each other in the middle, and now we have an open relationship, which I feel is modern and most people understand.” —Sarah B., 24
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While this can work for some couples, it’s a tough thing to navigate, Durvasula says. “It requires a lot of communication, conversations, openness, and honesty,” she says. “Normal human emotions like jealousy and safety all come into play here.” Some couples can feel that an open relationship enhances what they have together “but it’s not a solution for a lot of people,” Durvasula says. “Many prefer to be in a monogamous union.”
Even if you're still attracted to your partner, you may be craving different things in the bedroom than you used to. Maybe you liked spanking years ago, but you're not so into it now. That's okay! Your sexual preferences may shift over time, and perhaps there are new things you'd like to try. The key is voicing them to your S.O. Try: "Is there anything you'd like to try in bed? I've been thinking about X (XX)."
Lots of people are affected by restrictive views on sexuality, Brito says, a.k.a. feelings of shame or guilt. Did you grow up believing sex was shameful? That could easily affect your views on sex into adulthood, and you could benefit from talking this out with a professional.
Welcome to modern life. Anxiety doesn't exactly feel sexy, so if you've been feeling anxious lately, it's totally normal for your sex life to take a hit. (See: Anxiety Totally Ruined My Sex Life—But Then It Made My Relationship Even Better). "Mindfulness and relaxation techniques may help you relax and increase your body awareness, two qualities necessary for improving sexual drive," Brito says.
If you find yourself suddenly not wanting sex, Durvasula recommends checking in with your doctor to make sure everything is okay on the health front. Things like depression, hormonal changes, and certain medications can all affect your libido, she points out. In fact, low sex drive is a common side effect of some antidepressants; speak to your doc about your options.
Look, I'm not saying an orgasm is the ~only~ reason to have sex, but it's a big one...and many women have trouble climaxing. Your partner wants you to enjoy sex, so give him/her a few pointers. "Identify what you like, know your body and what brings your pleasure, and learn to assert yourself," Brito says. Start by suggestions one of the 24 Best Sex Toys For Couples.
Lots of guys have trouble getting it up...even younger ones, explains sex therapist Brandy Engler, PhD: “I’ve seen a large influx in the past couple of years of young men coming in for this.” Anxiety, smoking, and lack of exercise could all be culprits, so if this is an ongoing problem, it's worth bringing up to your partner. Engler says your best bet is to have the convo *outside* the bedroom, not when you're both naked and feeling extra vulnerable.

The bottom line: There are many reasons for a low sex drive. No matter the cause, have an open dialogue with your partner and be honest about how you’re feeling. If you still want to be close to them, hold their hand, kiss, and touch them, those are all great signs, says Durvasula. If you don’t, it could be a sign of a deeper issue.
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‘I don’t want sex with anyone’: the growing asexuality movement
‘I probably won’t ever have sex’: model and activist Yasmin Benoit. Photograph: Karen Robinson/The Observer
Asexual representation is becoming more common – but the orientation is still widely misunderstood. Not wanting sex is not the same as not wanting romance or intimacy – something, its advocates say, the rest of us would benefit from learning
Last modified on Tue 23 Mar 2021 13.57 GMT
Yasmin Benoit realised she was asexual around the time her peers in Reading figured out they weren’t. “Everyone seems pretty asexual until puberty hits and then they aren’t. But I didn’t feel the same way. I realised something was up,” she recalls.
But when the then-teenager came out as asexual, no one believed her. “They were, like: ‘You don’t look asexual, you’re probably just insecure, or you must have got molested or you must be gay… Maybe you’re a psychopath and can’t form proper connections with people.’”
Everyone had a theory about what was “wrong” with Benoit; no one accepted the simple fact that, by nature, she didn’t feel sexual attraction towards others. And she’s not alone. Today, as well as being a fashion model, the poised 24-year-old is the world’s most prominent activist for asexuality, an orientation estimated to apply to 1% of the global population, although some think the number is higher.
“I don’t want to have sex with anybody and I probably won’t ever have sex,” says Benoit over Zoom, although she does explain that the key point here is sexual relations with others: she does masturbate.
Benoit is determined to ensure other asexual (or “ace”) people don’t feel broken or alone in a world in which lust and desire pulsate through our entire culture. “Our society is increasingly hyper-sexualised,” she says, “and that can make it particularly alienating for asexual people who don’t have those feelings, or don’t want to live that life.”
The asexuality movement is young and fast-growing, and it recently received a notable boost. Last September saw the release of Ace, a critically acclaimed book by asexual journalist Angela Chen. It illuminates the myriad shades of asexuality via a series of real-life profiles. “Instead of getting bogged down in definitions, people can read those stories and think: does that resonate with my experience?” says Chen, 29, who is based in Brooklyn.
For too long such experiences have not been acknowledged: asexuality has sometimes been dubbed the “forgotten” or “invisible” orientation owing to its lack of public prominence. Until recently it was deemed a medical issue by the US’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – which added an exception in 2013 to state that asexuals do not have a desire disorder – and many continue to erroneously dismiss it as an affliction.
It has also been labelled “the world’s first internet orientation,” implying that people who feel this way have only existed since the advent of the internet – and suggesting it’s a fad embraced by pink-haired teens on Tumblr, but not applicable in the real world. Nonetheless, the internet has been an anchor for the modern asexuality crusade, which began in 2000 when David Jay, a San Francisco college student, started a website to connect with others (when he’d looked up “asexuality” all he’d found were “papers about plant biology and amoebas”, he says). It attracted thousands of hits and he then launched the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), which remains the biggest asexuality platform, with 120,000 members today. Tight-knit communities have since sprouted on Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit and Discord, and have flourished offline, too.
Jay has been joined by a spirited collective of younger activists who give talks, write books, host podcasts and run YouTube channels. They’re showing it’s possible to live a fulfilling life without sex and, although they’re a small minority, they have plenty to teach the rest of society. Such as about how allosexuals – people who do experience sexual attraction – conflate sex, romance and intimacy, yet could benefit from teasing these things apart. Or about how sexual partnerships are automatically ranked higher in the social totem pole than platonic ones – a sentiment captured in phrases such as “just friends” and enshrined in health-insurance and other laws – even though friendships can be more meaningful.
Without sex clouding their vision, aces say they are coming from a unique position of clarity. As Chen puts it: “Asexuality is not something that’s so separate, it’s a lens that you can use to evaluate your own life, no matter how you identify, whatever your sexual orientation is.”
One of the biggest hurdles activists face is explaining what asexuality is. It can get knotty because sexual and romantic attraction are different things. And while many aces, such as Benoit, are also aromantic, meaning they have no interest in romantic relationships, others feel differently. Chen, for example, is biromantic (attracted romantically to both genders) and has a long-term boyfriend with whom she has sex. She says she has sex with her partner for emotional reasons only – to feel close to him – but adds: “I could go the rest of my life being celibate and I would be perfectly happy.”
“For me, asexuality is not about how much sex someone has, but the role sexuality plays in how they experience life,” says Chen. “I never ever think about if someone’s sexually attractive.”
Daniel Walker, a 24-year-old from the East Midlands who hosts YouTube channel Slice of Ace, is asexual and homoromantic. He is physically affectionate with his boyfriend and says that “externally, my relationship looks pretty similar to any other gay relationship”. While he has zero “internal drive to have sex”, he says he is “comfortable” engaging in it as part of his relationship.
If you remove sexual desire, what’s the difference between romance and an intense platonic friendship? Research suggests key differences, says Chen, with romantic attraction leaving individuals wanting to change their life for their partner, being infatuated with them and becoming possessive.
Thinking about these ideas is a useful exercise for all of us, yet they also add confusion to an orientation that’s poorly understood to begin with. “If I come out as gay, people instantly know what that means; whereas if I come out as asexual, nine times out of 10, I’ll have to explain,” says Walker.
Other challenges abound. As Chen points out, because the movement is young, most “out” aces are young people not yet in positions of power. And the nature of their orientation – defined by what they don’t like rather than what they do – can mean aces don’t shout as loudly as others. “You don’t tend to go around saying: ‘You know what I don’t like? This film!’” says Walker, by way of analogy.
What these activists do is emphasise that it’s OK not to have sex – yet they are careful not to be misconstrued as promoting celibacy or condemning sex-positivity, neither of which are goals. And while they are increasingly embraced by the queer community, the relationship can be testy. “Conversations surrounding the wider LGBTQ+ community have become very sex-focused, and there’s a question of where asexuality fits into that,” says Benoit. “People in the community who aren’t ace-inclusive think asexual people are anti-sex and we’re going to come in and ruin it by telling people to stop holding hands and kissing.”
When many people envisage an “asexual” they picture a nerdy, androgynous white male – think Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory – but as a black female model, Benoit is taking on these stereotypes. She has more than 33,000 Instagram followers and her shoots, often for lingerie brands, can be racy – being ace doesn’t mean swapping fishnets for nun’s habits.
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