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Confession: I don’t watch porn. That’s not to say I’ve never watched porn — I am a 29-year-old human in 2016, after all — but just that I don’t watch it regularly. To be honest, I’ve always been more drawn to erotica versus pornographic videos when it comes to things that knock my socks off and get my rocks off. I think that’s probably due to two things: 1) I wasn’t allowed to watch much TV as a kid but my mom would buy as many books as I wanted, which turned me into a voracious reader, and 2) I’m a feminist.
Let’s talk about number two for a second. Being a feminist doesn’t preclude me from liking and watching porn — I am, after all, a sex-positive feminist , which means that I’m down for however people want to get off, as long as it’s consensual and isn’t hurting anyone. But as a feminist, I do find it hard to watch a lot of porn that’s freely available online. I can’t seem to shut off the analytical part of my brain and I get distracted by the terrible plot lines, gaping buttholes, and weirdly manipulated female bodies. And that’s kind of a bummer because, frankly, sometimes I’d like a little visual erotic stimulation!
So when I stumbled across feminist pornographer Erika Lust’s work , I couldn’t believe how hot it was. The very first thing I watched was the SFW (mostly — like, I’d make sure no one can see your screen if you’re going to watch it at work) short film she did called Do You Find My Feet Suckable . Most of the film doesn’t involve any sex at all but rather a lot of loaded, hot, sexy looks between a man and a woman who I’d totally have dirty thoughts about if I met them IRL. I found myself literally holding my breath in anticipation the first time I watched it and it made me hungry for more of Erika’s work.
I reached out to Lust to see what other films she’d recommend for people — like me — who think that they don’t like porn . These are her top nine recommendations.
"A guy who desires a girl, a girl who wants to be desired. Sexual chemistry within context, narrative, and eroticism, and fetish that's free from all misogynistic connotations. In this special SFW, all without the explicit sex!"
"Someone once said, 'There's only a certain number of ways for you to film sex.' That person clearly never watched XConfessions' films! We do these crazy things like filming a fun sex story in the middle of the Mediterranean. Welcome on board!"
"Dolly Parton once stated, 'My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order.' Press play on this and if you think this is like anything you've seen before, I'll go on hunger-strike for a week."
"Directed by Ovidie, this feature film has everything you would expect from a Hollywood film: an interesting story, catchy characters, a well thought drama. But instead of cutting black when things get hot, you get to see the full action!"
"Perfect to start your journey through spouses, whips, and light BDSM, without the f*cked-up misogynistic take from E. L. James' character. Directed by amazing Jackie St. James, who "writes and directs sex flicks while listening to Taylor Swift."
"Remember that feeling of being at the bus stop, staring at the super cute boy next to you? Remember what you feel like doing while looking at him? Yes, exactly."
"Again, Jackie St. James! And again, directing a film that's perfect to be watched when lying in bed right next to your husband. It has narrative, drama, good photography and lots of relatable sex. The best part? It's OK if you don't watch it until the end."
"Three interpretations of sex: as part of life, as the result of love, and as an act of pure lust. Recommendable if you're figuring out what turns you on. Directed by moi."
"There are women who rather watch characters living completely different lives, un-relatable from their own. This artsy film has fantasy, fetish, mystique and adventure, and it's very pretty to look at."

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"Now, sex feels so much more enjoyable."
It's no secret that most of mainstream porn is geared toward straight men (in fact, that's why Cosmopolitan.com rounded up some of the best female-focused porn websites ), but that doesn't necessarily mean all straight men are into it. In this week's Sex Talk Realness, we reached out to three dudes who decided to ditch watching porn for other methods of ~erotica~, or just straight-up imagination, to find out why they made that choice and how it changed their sex lives IRL.
Man A: I had my first serious girlfriend at 16, and it was just really hard to take the types of sex I was seeing on screen and placing it on me and my girlfriend. Like, I couldn't perform like that, and I didn't want to get something in my head that she was supposed to perform like that as well. When I stopped watching, sex became less stressful because I wasn't comparing myself or the two of us to some scene I saw.
Man B: I'm an Irish male, and I have found that most porn features American women, so when my Irish girlfriends would dirty-talk during sex, it would irritate me and turn me off because I had been so expectant of an American accent once sex started, which is insane.
Man C: I found it kind of desensitized me to sex.
Man A: I read erotic short stories. I once saw my uncle's porno magazine, and I didn't understand why the women were stretching their vaginal lips so far , so I don't think that images will ever do it for me. I'm scarred.
Man A: Shoot, I already kind of answered, but same kind of thing that sex became something that was different from person to person as opposed to trying to fit it into a formula or something I saw happen. It was more naturally occurring and my sex was less stressful because it didn't feel like a performance.
Man B: Definitely. I probably wouldn't have realized my reliance on porn or the way that it had messed with my head had it not been for the American accent thing. Now, sex feels so much more enjoyable because I'm slowly emptying my head of that negative connotation with my partners speaking in a way that isn't identical to California's porn industry.
Man C: I think it's better, because when I wasn't watching porn, I was able to figure out what worked best for me and my partner rather than comparing it to something.
Man A: I'd say 50 percent, it never came up, 50 percent were girlfriends who were uncomfortable with their partner watching porn, so it worked out for all of us.
Man B: I never would have before, but after realizing how much it warped my brain, I'm trying to talk about it a little more.
Man B: Even though I know how it messed with me, I'd be turned on about it.
Man C: I wouldn't mind. It's a personal decision.
Man A: We had a long conversation about how erotic stories were easier to solo get down to. But I'm sure I have a lot of friends who would not agree.
Man A: I think I'm definitely in the minority. Aziz Ansari has some joke about how he left the country and then came back and realized how much we are surrounded by sex, so I can see how something like erotic short stories or your own imagination wouldn't be enough to get you going. So I don't think men watching porn is blown out of proportion, [but] I'd probably lean more toward women watching porn [as] something that we don't talk enough about or acknowledge enough.
Man B: I don't think I know one dude who doesn't watch porn.
Man C: I couldn't say, since I don't really talk to people about it that much.
Man A: At this point, not watching porn has become my "I don't have a TV" or "I'm not on Facebook," so I'm attempting to keep the streak alive.
Man C: Yeah, I've definitely gone back to it a few times since so probably will again in the future.

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10 Things You See in Porn that Don’t Happen in Real Life
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We all know that the classic pizza delivery guy porn scenario is unrealistic. And that one very bad pickup line doesn't ever immediately lead to hours of hot sex. Still, porn is a contributor to sexual education and there are parts of it that are too often mistakes for reality. The problem with that is obvious: "Anybody who would get their sexual information from pornography alone would be highly misled," says Neil Malamuth, professor of communication and psychology at UCLA. To avoid being counted among the "porn educated," here is some clarity about its most common deceptions and exaggerations.

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In theory, the desire to orgasm at the same time as your partner has a certain sweetness to it. The first problem is this coordination is much more complex than it appears in porn. There are some sex toys and methods that you can use to attempt this feat, but that brings us to the second problem: If you are spending all your time and energy trying to climax together, you probably aren’t enjoying yourselves and each other as much as you should be.
Squirting and gushing are popular tricks of women in pornography and are often portrayed as female ejaculation. Tests of the fluid produced have shown these are not the same thing. Female ejaculate is chemically similar to semen. The fluid produced by squirting, on the other hand, is likely watered-down urine. While women can learn to squirt, sex researcher Beverly Whipple doubts women can train themselves to ejaculate.
Malamuth has studied porn consumption, often outside of the United States, and he’s found that people do draw inspiration from what they watch. “It certainly has made them want to try to copy certain acts to try that thing they haven’t done before,” he says. Using porn to expand your sexual horizons is reasonable, and possibly healthy, but remember that the vast majority of these films feature actors who are paid to play up the enjoyment of every moment. Remember this and don’t set yourself up for disappointment when sex in the shower doesn’t do it for you, or expect your partner to be as enthusiastic about this experimentation as the actors were.
Pornography is generally produced for a male audience and tends to depict women in a submissive, or at least very sexually permissive, way. This is not the reality of most sexual partnerships. This disparity has made people worry that the way men dominate over women in porn encourages men who watch it to commit violent sexual acts. Malamuth has studied this in his own work. “For the majority of men, it does not have that impact,” he says, “but for those men who already have other risk factors, heavy consumption of pornography — particularly the more extreme or the more violent — can add fuel to the fire.”
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