Don T Be An Asshole
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Don T Be An Asshole
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We're all assholes sometimes -- myself very much included. The thing is, though, that I -- along with many others I know -- are typically the biggest assholes towards ourselves.
Author, musician, independent culturist
Oct 8, 2013, 07:58 PM EDT | Updated Jan 23, 2014
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Author, musician, independent culturist
"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely."~ C.G. Jung
"Be Cool and Don't Be an Asshole" may be the greatest spiritual teaching I've ever heard.
We're all assholes sometimes -- myself very much included. I'm not proud of it, but if I'm truly dedicated to becoming a better person and cultivating greater compassion for myself and others, I need to be honest about this.
The thing is, though, that I -- along with many others I know -- are typically the biggest assholes towards ourselves.
For example, I've been a particularly big asshole to myself over the past few months as I've been finishing up the rough draft of a manuscript for my editor. Thoughts like, "You're a terrible writer" or "You don't have anything of worth to say" or "You're setting yourself up for embarrassment and failure" have made temporary residence in my mind, and for one reason or another, I've allowed them to stay... but why?
I mean, if I overheard someone saying half of that stuff to someone else, whether it was a friend, family member, or even a complete stranger, I know I would have stepped in on their behalf, and I'm guessing that most likely you would have too. Yet, when it comes to the self-inflicted asshole syndrome, we usually just let it ride.
So why is it that so many of us feel unworthy of the very same love we so freely share with other people? And why is it easier to show compassion to a complete stranger, than it is to the person looking back at us in the mirror?
My honest and simple answer is, I don't know. I mean sure, I could offer you a handful of spiritual and psychological theories, things I've personally learned and implemented throughout my life, many of which have helped, but the fact remains, the self-negating thoughts still arise.
I used to try to play spiritual superhero by suppressing these thoughts, or, when it was too difficult to suppress them, I'd lie to myself and pretend like they didn't bother me (which was obviously a complete crock of shit.) But it's through facing these thoughts and acknowledging the mental and emotional impact they have on us however, rather than pretending like they don't exist and that everything is love and light that they begin to happen less frequently and with less force behind them.
So I guess the one "spiritual" thing I'll leave you with, in the spirit of non-dualism and unity, which I've found works significantly well in guiding the mind away from asshole territory, is to remind ourselves that underneath our material forms, we really are all One. Hell, even quantum physics seems to be leaning in that direction these days.
And remember, when spiritual icon Ram Dass said, "Treat everyone you meet like God in drag," he didn't mean everyone except yourself, because you, you're just God in drag too silly. So stop being an asshole towards God, okay. And if you're an atheist, don't worry, God is just a word attempting to describe the indescribably, so there's plenty of room for you too.
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The Cut’s advice columnist Heather Havrilesky answers readers’ questions about how to be in the world. Got a question for Polly? Email askpolly@nymag.com .
The Cut’s advice columnist Heather Havrilesky answers readers’ questions about how to be in the world. Got a question for Polly? Email askpolly@nymag.com .
Last night, I went out with my husband to enjoy a big festival in town. We both noticed a sign from a distance, but as we approached, another reveler stood directly in front of the sign to read it. “Wow, I hope no one else wants to read that sign, maybe from another angle,” I commented to my husband loud enough for the reader to hear. My husband quietly chuckled and hugged me, saying “Oh, you.”
Later, a woman with a pram cut across our path, not looking where she was going. “We get it! You’ve spawned! You’re more important than us!” I said to her. Another quiet chuckle from my husband.
And I realized this is … common. My outbursts. Maybe too common? Throughout my life, I’ve been told I’m opinionated, brutal, delightfully honest, brave, have balls of steel … a bunch of words presented as flattery and accompanied by laughter, but underneath there may be discomfort from others when I open my mouth — but I don’t feel it.
I have friends who delight in my company, but only when I’m in the right mood. I’ll call out perceived assholes in public, tell men to stop leering at my friends, get impatient and roll my eyes when I am expected to nod and smile. And to be fair, it doesn’t take much for me to be in the right mood. Other friends will only ever take me out to dinner to get my advice. “I know you’ll be honest with me,” they say, and I am. Even more say, “Gosh, I wish I could be honest about my feelings like you.”
I learned my sister once told her friends, in advance of my visit, that I was autistic so they shouldn’t be shocked if I said something blunt or inappropriate. She may not be wrong — I struggle with social interactions, reading emotions, and connecting with people, but I also seem to miss the day-to-day filter that everyone else has, where your mind comes up with the rude thing to say but doesn’t blurt it out for all to hear.
I can rein it in. I’m careful around people I need to impress, or with bosses at work. But I slip back into it outside of these environments — in fact, anywhere I feel comfortable. And I’m not punished for my bullshit. No one calls me out. At worst, I’ll get a nonresponse, but many people encounter my commentary as some form of entertainment. When I was younger, I thought this was cool. I was witty. I’m starting to realize I might just be a plain old asshole.
The one redeeming quality in my outspokenness, I think, is that I will intervene if I feel someone is being treated poorly. I’ve scared off numerous creepy men from women I don’t know at nightclubs and gotten them home safely, put myself in the middle of stupid fights, and stood up for shopkeepers who were being abused. This kind of assholery seems useful.
But how do I stop being that asshole who punches down? I am, at heart, cynical. I have a deep distrust of others, a shitty upbringing, and worse genes that have stuck me with ongoing depression (treated). I am not that happy-go-lucky girl next door.
So how do I become a nice person who cares what people think and has patience and bites their tongue when someone cuts in line or has no awareness of their surroundings? But more important, how do I do all this without imploding from built-up rage?
You do sound like an asshole. You also sound (somewhat paradoxically) like a very sensitive, emotional person who not only assumed a defensive crouch at a very early age but took on a full-fledged Asshole Belief System. Because you aren’t just stepping on toes without noticing it. You go out into the world believing, at some level, that you’re a brave and fearless soldier serving an important function. This means that you can only take in the first layer of what your friends and acquaintances are willing to tell you about yourself, while ignoring other, possibly more dramatic feedback that would surely paint a more negative picture of how you’re perceived and understood. It’s ironic that you’re obsessed with people who have no awareness of their surroundings, because the energy and effort you’ve put into the nonpermeable membrane between your very emotional core and the outside world is so complete that you might as well be wearing a Hazmat suit everywhere you go. (Yours even comes with a handy Husband Assistant who tells you that everything you do and say is not just amusing but righteous and helpful!)
Even if we ignore all of the clear evidence that you navigate the world in a defensive stance so extreme that you’re ready to engage in hand-to-hand combat at any minute (you must be exhausted!), the fact that you don’t see the link between your anger and your underlying sadness indicates that you’ve barely scratched the surface of examining the complexity of your emotional experience. But most of all, your letter suggests that you do to yourself what you do to the people around you: categorize them unfairly, then conclude that they don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. What they deserve is open scorn and embarrassment. They need to be corrected. They need to be put in their places, permanently.
You treat your own emotions the way you treat people on the street: When you’re vulnerable or you need something or you feel sad, a voice enters the picture and tells you that you’re pathetic, you need to stop it, your feelings are an embarrassment and an inconvenience to everyone around you. Now get back into your goddamn space suit and get out there and do battle with the real enemy! (Your Husband Assistant has your back on this front, too, probably because he encounters his own feelings with the same repulsion and shame that you do.)
If you want to live in reality and breathe the same air as the rest of us, you’re going to have to take off your space suit. It’s going to feel unbearably vulnerable to do that. And you’re going to have to trace your current emotional and cognitive reactions back to a time you can barely remember (and probably don’t want to).
Because your rage is a manifestation of your sadness. Your distrust is a manifestation of the emotional neglect you experienced as a child. Your depression is a manifestation of your melancholy view of the world, your anxiety around intimacy, and your fear of your own insecurities. You can treat your depression, but you might find that it still leaks out no matter what you do. That’s true because some of the nongenetic underlying conditions that cause your depression (and rage and distrust) are still there. You need to address your deep-seated beliefs, your core fears, and your terror at being mistreated and misunderstood by others (who are presumed to be callous) in order to tackle your depression at a deeper level. You need to face your own callousness toward yourself, which lies at the heart of your callousness toward others.
So ask yourself this: Do you deserve forgiveness? Do you deserve love?
When I was younger, questions like those made me laugh and squirm and roll my eyes. I wanted love, but my core belief was that I was rotten and unlovable, that no one would accept me for who I was, that I needed to charm and entertain and also be ready to fight if I were going to survive.
Like you, I felt that the world needed more people like me, people who weren’t afraid to tell th
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