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On their first date, Mistress Tetra (top) asked Nicole (bottom) to pose for her birthday party invitation.; Credit: Louann
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Smack. Slap slap slap. Thwack. Professional dominatrix Mistress Tetra pauses her spanking to press her breasts into the bare bottom of a woman clad only in a gold corset, eliciting applause, cheers and monkey-like screeching from the nearly two hundred voyeurs and fetishists assembled on a recent Saturday for Mistress Tetra's Birthday Flesh Fest at Sanctuary, a 7,000-square foot commercial dungeon near LAX. Clad only in black underwear and platform heels, with her dark red hair slicked back and her nipples covered by green pot leaf stickers, Tetra, 25, is one of four dominants currently on stage paddling, scratching, whacking and spanking four eager, submissive party-goers.
As Def Leppard's “Pour Some Sugar on Me” transitions into Juvenile's “Back That Azz Up,” the girl in the gold corset stands, hugs Tetra, and exits the stage, only to be replaced by a smiling, voluptuous 20-year-old college student wearing a frilly white corset and garter belt, crotch-high white fishnet socks and a collar of pink fabric rosettes. She doesn't want her family, her sorority sisters or her professors to know she's here, so I'll call her Nicole, which is part of her username on FetLife , a social networking site for kinksters that has 16,379 registered users in the city of Los Angeles and another 12,000 or so within thirty minutes of downtown.
Before bending her over the spanking horse, Tetra grabs the back of Nicole's head and kisses her hard on the mouth, a rare moment of sappy, vanilla affection at a party filled with leather, whips and chains. Why do these two make out, unlike all of the other dom/sub pairs on stage?
Perhaps because Tetra and Nicole found each other on OkCupid, not on FetLife, and because before she met Tetra, Nicole had only experienced BDSM on the privacy of her computer screen.
The two had intended to grab lunch for their first date, earlier this summer, but the model who was supposed to pose with Tetra for the invitation to her Eden-themed birthday party cancelled at the last minute, so Tetra asked Nicole to step in.
“We basically stripped most of our clothes off and I taped leaves all over her,” Tetra remembers.
“It was definitely an interesting first time to meet someone,” Nicole says. “I'm open to weird situations, but I was a little bit nervous.”
Eat that apple, Nicole! EAT IT!; Credit: Louann
Later in the party, after she's been properly spanked, Nicole bubbles with ebullience. She chats with Lady Aubrey and Switch Harlow , two of Tetra's Sanctuary coworkers, in Annubis, the dungeon's medical-themed playroom, which features educational anatomy posters and an electronic medical bed with stirrups. Squeals and moans occasionally break the staccato of slaps and cracks coming from the other playrooms.
“[Nicole] is so adorable,” Harlow says. “She looks so innocent and white. It makes you want to beat her. I want to destroy the innocence!”
Nicole giggles, blushing, and Aubrey laughs appreciatively, tossing her long braids. She's wearing a silver snake armband, a green belly dancer top dripping with mirror coins and teensy, sky blue fishnet shorts.
“Tetra and Nicole are really cute,” Aubrey says.
“Nicole's really innocent, and Tetra's really not,” Harlow adds.
On her newly-made FetLife profile, Nicole lists “cuddling,” “snuggling” and “cunnilingus” among her fetish interests; Tetra lists “gagging/choked by cock,” “degradation” and “piercing.”
“But they balance each other,” Aubrey says.
“Yeah, it works out,” Harlow agrees.
Both Tetra and Nicole use the word “bonus” when describing how Nicole feels about Tetra's BDSM expertise, in the same way one of my friends might describe a guy who has a law degree: a nice plus, but not the primary reason they are spending time together. But dating a professional dominatrix comes with challenges that dating a lawyer does not.
For one thing? Sharing. In addition to the men who pay to worship her feet or have her sit on their faces, Tetra has a long-term boyfriend, and her FetLife profile indicates she has two other personal slaves and is considering a third, separate from Nicole. Both Tetra and her boyfriend include on their FetLife profiles that they are looking for a woman to join them “in a poly household.” However, Nicole says she's only attracted to women and has no sexual interest in Tetra's boyfriend.
Outside Annubis, near the stage, Tetra has one arm on Nicole and one on a girl behind her. Another domme approaches and murmurs in Tetra's ear.
Nicole arrived two hours before the party began that evening to help chop fruit for the chocolate fountain and set up trays of pretzels and potato chips at round tables with floral tablecloths.
“I offered . Some of her other subs [submissives], she told to be here,” Nicole says proudly.
Although they've played publicly and privately, Tetra only bosses Nicole around in a sexual way. “You know that point in dating where you don't fight yet? You're kind of walking on eggshells around each other?” Nicole says.
Tetra characterizes the status of their relationship a bit differently: Nicole is still “under consideration” to be her formally collared slave.
As another performance begins on stage, Tetra takes a seat in the front row next to her boyfriend, then moves to his lap. Nicole hovers near the back of the audience on the right side, drinking her blue Gatorade alone. A man parades by her wearing only chunky black boots and a black garter belt, revealing the innumerable pink scars that crisscross down his back. When the scene ends, Nicole scoots up front and kneels next to Tetra, who is now squatting in front of her boyfriend.
A minute later, when Tetra stands, Nicole stands. Nicole looks at her expectantly and then forces a smile as Tetra hugs and thanks one person and then another, then another, for coming by. She kisses the fourth well-wisher on the lips, grasping one woman's hand as she swings her arm around another's waist.
Nicole stands a few feet away, her eyes scanning the room then flickering back at Tetra. She takes another step towards her new girlfriend and whispers something. They hug and kiss, briefly, but Tetra pulls away. Nicole turns around and walks off.
A man whips out his iPhone and gestures to Tetra and another woman that he'd like to take photographs of them together. The two sashay onto the stage. Tetra grinds her hips onto the other girl's, who leans against a wooden St. Andrew's cross at the back of the stage, and they touch their tongues together for the camera.
A third girl, half-naked, grips the metallic pole five feet in front of them, inverting her body as she wraps her legs around it like a stripper, dancing up the pole and out of the frame.
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Not everyone gets BDSM, but those of us who do understand it as the perfect middle ground between pure lust and true love.
When you “play” with a partner you get a strong emotional connection, an intense rush, and some even say a blissful or out-of-this-world climax.
But what are the best fetish websites and BDSM sites out there?
Here we’re going to discuss the best BDSM fetish dating sites, as well as a general introduction to the lifestyle and the community.
We chose Adult Friend Finder as our #1 pick because it offers the largest fetish community and lets you search for an endless number of sexual niches with its forum option.
There’s also a social media feature so you can post all about your kinks and experiences.
Adult Friend Finder is the most thriving kink website and that certainly matters when dealing with the BDSM lifestyle. You don’t want to be a lone wolf!
Add video chat, swingers, threesomes, and LGBTQ+ friendliness into the mix, and you’ve got a winner!
Fetlife is the most popular free dating site for kinksters and like-minded people.
The site offers free chat, photos, video, and an easy social network-style layout that lets you search for kinks and add friends or follow members who are into the same lifestyle.
There have been many sites like FetLife, but none measure up to this juggernaut of the kinkster community.
Fetlife also introduced a mobile FetLife app recently, which offers notifications, messaging from the site, a stealth mode for public viewing, and even a Discover option for nearby events. Nice!
Alt.com is one of the largest BDSM dating website communities. Alt offers photo trading, fetish dating, swingers and couples, and even member cameras. You can join for free and start looking around for your kink and other users into the same stuff.
Alt.com offers amateur chat as well as experienced doms and dommes for the complete BDSM adventure. You can also extend your search to countries across the world and find like-minded kinksters anywhere .
Ashley Madison is not necessarily a fetish website, but it is probably the most discreet place on the internet for a married affair .
You can run a search on a specific kink or you can search locally to see who’s nearby and what their favorite kink is.
While the site doesn’t do kink matches, talking about your kink to a new friend is one of the best ways to start a strictly sexual relationship .
With over 900,000 members, BDSM.com is a sex-positive website with a fast-growing community of fetishists.
Here, you can find over 340 groups devoted to unique kinks, including FemDom, bound and gagged, high heels and boots, no limits roleplay, and kinky and geeky.
Let’s just say there are kinky girls and guys aplenty.
You can form your own group, and check out over 250,000 member videos. Give it a try!
Seeking.com is not a kink matching site by design, but it caters to one popular niche – the sugar daddy spoiling his sugar baby.
Ideally, you need some cash to splash.
Oftentimes that sugar dynamic turns into dom/sub or master/slave kinks, especially with the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey.
More than a website – Fetish.com is a portal to the greater BDSM community. At Fetish.com, the site’s primary feature is offering maps to local MUNCHES which are PG-rated meetup groups for everyone.
Membership is free and you can browse forums, chat, and take your search almost anywhere in the world. The site offers a combination of community and dating/matching.
The Fantasy App, not to be confused with Fantasy.com, is an app exclusively for polyamorous and open marriage relationships.
There’s no need to ask about marital status, but you can be assured that everyone here believes in ethical dating, safety, health, and reciprocity.
Whiplr has a growing community with over 1.2 million members, 600,000 photos, and 50,000 chats and video calls.
The community offers a variety of fetishes, including newcomers, cuckholders, masters, slaves, and 24/7 slave-master setups. The site also sponsors fetish meetups across the world.
KinkD is an app that matches together kinksters and BDSM users, while also offering a social network for all its users.
Whether you’re single, a couple, or swingers, you can join, post on walls, chat, view stories, meet up, and even follow the most popular users in the community.
Things can get very specific here, from threesomes to even Christian or Jewish BDSM.
Kinkoo started in 2017 but it’s getting along nicely, with a vetted community that weeds out spammers and fakes, and also matches users together using its own algorithm.
The site also offers education and kink feeds for each user, which serves as an icebreaker, as well as the introduction of a soft or hard limit.
Fetster is a free kinkster website that operates as both a social network and a meetup group.
Extreme fetishes are all over, from cuckolds to CBT, pegging, master-slave, rope-play, suspension, deprecating, caging, and spanking .
Search locally, or by city, start chatting, and no premium membership is required.
You can even make your own groups if you don’t find one you like – that’s an excellent feature for specific kinks and fetishes.
Reddit is one of the easiest sites to use, given that it’s free and has a laid-back personal ad posting approach to its community.
The Fetish Reddit community has 145,000 users and even has active subgroup moderation.
You can tag your ad and post by location, age, and whatever kink you’re looking for. Reddit’s best feature? The personal ad can change to an active chat with just one click.
Literotica is known as more of a sexting dating site and a bit of an old website since they haven’t bothered updating their layout since the turn of the century.
But it’s one of the best places to meets fellow kinksters solely because of the huge free archive of erotic fiction available onsite.
BDSM is a very general term referring to a broad community of people who have very specific sexual preferences or even non-sexual kinks.
You will experience intense emotional highs, similar to love, but with a much more diverse view of relationships and commitment.
BDSM can be summarized by 4 distinct ideas:
First things first, nobody wants to play with a dangerous psychopath who doesn’t understand that BDSM is a game and not a literal dungeon of doom.
That’s why the best and only way to start a conversation with a new friend is to talk like a normal human being and speak the language of your fellow kinksters.
That means being safe, sane, and consensual . No method acting in the beginning – there’s no need to audition or impress. Be friendly and approachable and then explore the kinks you have in common.
Sessions of play are sometimes called “scenes” requiring a Dom, Sub, or Switch. If a website asks you whether you’re a Dom, Sub, or Switch, this means whether you like to be:
Despite what you would assume, the Receiver/Sub is usually the one who directs “the scene.”
Dominants are trying their best to give pleasure to the submissive so that the submissive will keep using a Dom’s services. Successful negotiation increases trust and partners can closely bond together after so many sessions.
BDSM players do not like an abusive or arrogant Dom that doesn’t understand the psychology or responsibility of directing the scene. Bad Doms who don’t know what they’re doing are often shunned from the community, so be careful!
Speaking of rules, trust is easy to promise but sometimes hard to live up to. Don’t assume you can improvise. Stick to the system of hard/soft limits to avoid making an enemy for life.
If someone mentions any of these phrases when discussing fantasies, pay close attention:
The easiest way to join the BDSM community is to not make a big dramatic scene, but rather to introduce yourself in the forum discussions, search for your kinks, like photos or member posts, and request to follow or chat with someone interesting.
Still, be careful not to be too pushy when you first start. There’s no need to score a date the first night or even the first week of joining the community. Just chill and get to know people first.
This can be tricky because some financial interactions are perfectly legal (i.e. webcam work, being a Domme, or escorting for companionship ), but others are not, namely prostitution.
Even “consensual financial domination” (sending money for doms to insult you) is a legitimate thing.
However, if someone volunteers to meet you and do “anything” for financial compensation, be very suspicious. Follow your instincts and don’t run off with new members who have no connections in the community.
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